a woman

I have met a woman and what a gift it has been to know her these days.  But fearful as well.  The fear of abandonment that I felt this morning and at the same time to say, it looks like light to me it looks like light to me but I am afraid.  And then to not feel it.  So is it extinguished.  I don’t know.  All I know is that these days of talking to her and getting to know her have been wonderful.

oh to grace how great a debtor daily I’m constrained to be.  Let thy goodness like a fetter bind my wandering heart to the.  Prone to wander lord I feel it prone to leave the god I love.  Here’s my heart lord take and seal it seal it for thy courts above.

Advertisements

a song

What can wash away my sin?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

What can make me whole again?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Oh precious is the flow that makes me white as snow.

No other fount I know.

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

 

What that means to me.   A lot because there is love in that that he would make the ulitimate sacrifice for me.  Christian theology says he did not need to do it for himself as he was sinless so it was a purely self sacrificial act.   I need to believe that someone loves me.   If you have been reading the blog you know why.   Parents and ex are narcs. and there is no real love in that.  Anything they do is for themselves one way or another.  I know I felt used by mom mom, cannot give you a lot of examples, just felt used.

The song says to me that I can put up my hammer, right?   That is important since I have a boss right now who every time we talk it is about something I have done she does not like.   She won’t be my boss much longer, gratefully.  But living with narcs you are very sensitive to criticism and there is no shortage of people in the world who are more than ready to chime in from my experience anyway.   I do wonder how I made it through all that and I believe the answer is the man in the song.   I met him when I was 16 if not before that and the message I got on our meeting, (it was not the message delivered by the person who was talking but it was the message that I heard from the man in the song) was that he accepts me just the way that I am.   Not sure that I would add that then but I do now, and does not judge me and will not judge me in the future, not that there are no consequences for breaking the law and such but I have a higher power who does not judge me.  And whether that is theologically correct or not I don’t care.   I take the liberty like everyone else in AA of having the kind of higher power that I need and I need one that does not judge me no matter what.  I guess that is unconditional love like I have for my daughters but it is possible that I could judge them unfairly and probably have.  My higher power does not and will not do that.   If anything the song means that to me.   That he sees me as white as snow with nothing able to dirty me up no matter what I do.

I need that kind of object/relation with my higher power, to internalize someone who does not judge me to heal all the internal introjects of people who have been full of judgement, hate, cruelty and condemnation towards me.   I think he knew I would need it to survive, thus the beginning of what to me is the reality of introjecting a loving, accepting higher power when I was 16 if not younger.   Christians call that the holy spirit who is the man in the song living inside of us.

Of course a lot of churches fuck that all up and help people introject a condemning judgemental god that pushes them away.   Talked to a guy today who told me his story of that kind of judgement from the church that ran him off.   Thank god for AA where people can find a loving higher power to relate to when they thought that swearing off that idol they heard about in church meant that they were swearing off the spiritual life completely.  Thank god for Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob who prophetically and powerfully opened the doors of the spiritual life to millions who otherwise would not know it helping to deliver them from slavery and death, myself include, something the man in the song did when he came here.  But not unlike many great men and great movements their followers get pretty good at fucking things up.  Religion being a haven these days for the cruelty of narcissism.  It is not uncommon for a narc to push a partner or a loved one to the point of suicide even encouraging them to do it!  Yeah, wtf is right!  Just like the  narcs that pushed the man in the song to die but his death and resurrection will bring the ultimate defeat of evil people like that in the future and right now he continues that fight that war in people like you and me.  That is my version of it, everybody has their own.   “There’s a feeling like the clenching of a fist.  There’s a hunger in the center of the chest.  And when the body sleeps the heart will never rest.”  Shed a little light O Lord!   Wreak havoc on evil!   Obliterated it from the face of the earth! and bring in your kingdom!  soli deo gloria.

Salvador Edwards

not only….

not only did I get one counseling job but two!

holy makerel ?sp.

And there is some gratitude I must admit.

Hard to admit because I tried really hard and didn’t give up.

But when it happened I said, I can’t believe it and I have had that feeling before and it is not a, I can’t believe it, that I did that but something else if that makes sense.

Sort of like the I don’t know, I just don’t know thoughts I have had in the past, like I am just going along for the ride here kind of thoughts.

I thought I used to be grateful all the time but I don’t think so.  Maybe I am more honest now or know myself better.   More aware of that part of me that will say, I can get this done if I work hard enough because I am smart and talented and all that good shit.   But it is probably shit at least the part that thinks because of all those things I am good, I’ve got this.

BW talks about the improper use of will power, to bombard all our problems with it.  We’ll who doesn’t right?  Who the hell doesn’t !?  And maybe that is his point.  We are pretty self-sufficient mother fuckers.  So there is a little gratitude.  I have worked my ass off for four years trying to get a job and all the other ones did not stick for various reasons.  And yes I was criticized for leaving one or two.  But I had to trust myself that they were not good situations and I could see really fast that they were not in some cases and I am glad I did because it seems like these are two good situations.  Of course I worry that thesoe people are batshit crazy too, but at least I am not worried that I am batshit crazy and that is progress, really god dam progress.  I know I can do a damn good job and at least part of my does not take all the credit for that that that at least part of what I have has been given and probably all of what I have has been given but I had to keep going to choose to keep going in this world and to try to find something doing what I like to do and am good at.  And to not listen to the people who where money and convenience are the highest values.  Because they are not for me.  Where can I make the greatest impact for good.  That is my highest value I suppose and the question I want to keep answering the best I can and then doing those things until I am pushing daisies.

Sounds admirable but not sure it is so much and here is where the,  it is not all me part comes in,  because Salvador Edwards is a prejudice teenager who likes to drink and do drugs, any drugs, not too discriminate there, and bully people and smash mailboxes.  I could go on but you get the point.   All this other stuff, the one who grabbed me and said you are mine from now on, you’re going to do my bidding from now on whether you like it or not, gets the credit for all that other stuff.  There are other things to do besides bully people, take drugs and smash mailboxes although those things were really a lot of fun I thought at the time, but I got diverted from those things I guess you could say.   That’s all I got.  Thanks for letting me share.

Shalom ya’ll,

Salvador

listening

in the quite in the absence of loneliness, a common occurrence where most of the time the significance is lost on me.

the other day in the meeting, stay the course

the other meeting, the person who felt god’s presence

three good job interviews

a friend that helps in practical ways

others reaching out, checking on me

me reaching out checking on others, wounded healers are we

the bad things I fear not happening

the desire to improve, move forward

milo

knowing that the animals have no forethought of grief, thinking that mine me calm down at some point.

other people understanding, knowing what it is like, how bad it was

more peace in the house after the confrontation, peace after the sword

courage to pull my sword out when I have to

and letting him know I am not afraid to use it

 

 

what happened?

I can’t go there I don’t think.   That was the reward for my devotion?   I can’t think that way.  My mind wants to understand, to hear the reason.  Two families neither of them normal no chance to be a normal kid or to be a normal husband and father in a normal family, wtf?  I can’t let myself go there I don’t think.

I have to let it go and be grateful for the present.  I am recovering.  I am in recovery.  Not drinking, less self reliant, my head quieter than it used to be, the fatigue less crushing.  Not wanting to die.   Believing I will have a chance at a normal love relationship.  Knowing that before,  I had eyes to see into people and now those eyes are sharper.  Believing that that is not a gift given in vain.  Knowing that others have been blessed by that and that more will in the future.  Feeling the privilege of having those eyes.   Having a faith that is no fucking joke no fucking joke at all,  but grounded in day to day reality.   That reality needs to be feared less now than ever as it is perfectly ok with me that I am not enough and don’t have to be and never needed to be and never will be.  Believing that I am a imperfect, dependent creature living in a world with a lot of other imperfect, dependent creatures.   Having a confidence without self as the source, something I have always wanted.

Maybe I can stop asking what has happened.   People have been saying, forget the past.  And I have been thinking, you don’t understand.  Well my hp says stuff I don’t want to hear sometimes.  Speaking through this very imperfect man that I know.   So maybe he can use me too in all my imperfection.  Recovery, taking control of one’s life and the direction in which you want that life to go.   Not sure how much control I am taking but good things are happening and that means necessarily that I am moving on getting on with the show, getting better, healing, progressing, all those good words and that because of my past and my wounds I will have something really good to give, hopefully will be more empowered to help others recover.  And that’s it for me that is it.  Helping is its own reward and I will be happy with more of that, happy indeed :).

humility

People have told me I have it.  Maybe I have but what they have seen is also what I did to survive.  Not sure how to articulate that any better.  I am getting a lesson though in liberation on this July 4th, that humility is the door to true true true liberation, liberation to the bondage of self.   I have run into walls, no career job, not seeing my kids, what if my kids are messed up?   What if I am messed up?    The driving force?   Ego driven fear. The only way for these things to happen is for me to make them happen.   That has been my modus opperandi and I didn’t even know it.   The solution according to Bill Wilson,  “humility as the avenue  of to true freedom

of the human spirit,  BW 12 and 12 p.73.”    “It was only at the end of a long road, marked by successive defeats and humiliations, and the final crushing of our self-sufficiency, that we began to feel humility as something more than a condition of groveling despair but to be desired and the door to true liberation of the spirit. p 72. words in italics mine.”  

No coincidence we read this chapter today in an AA meeting.  I have not known how to not fear the future but now I am learning, self-sufficiency has to be crushed.    I won’t do this perfectly but the door to a sweet, sweet liberation has been opened and it is starting to be that in the place of worry about the future, what is wrong with me, is the knowledge that my resources are insufficient, the belief that kept me alive,  the necessity to lean on myself when there was no one else to lean on,  save for people who loved me along the way, has to go and it is those people I thank today and am grateful for who taught me I am worth loving.  It is ok to ask for help.  There are real people who when you need them are and will be there.   And a growing serenity and awareness that for me, as I told a friend the other day, that my comfort for me and others is that I can pray and when I do,  now believe,  that he cares and he will answer, that he wants it to be natural for me to ask for his help for me and others, and that reality the reality of life is dependence on him and other people that without his strength I am nothing.  That is my truth anyway.    I don’t think any of us are the source of our own provision even though we live in a world that has tricked us into believing that, a lie so ingrained in my psyche for me that only running into walls over and over again is proving the fallacy of.  Grateful to be more free today than ever before.

Shalom ya’ll

Salvador

ok so

ok so I am at work and there is no tv, wtf.  Know what I am saying    lol.   I did a committal service today for a nice family, nice to be invited to offer some words of comfort.   This healing from abuse is weird, like I am a happy camper right now and a few minutes ago I was like, I can’t do this any more wtf.

Read something really cool.   This lady was saying that ego is not only  I am the greatest and I am god, but also the negative stuff, this bad feeling I have, “its all hopeless it will never work……..”    So she said talk to the bad feelings and the other negativity and say something like, ego you need to chill.   You are not really who I am since I am really a cool dude and guess what, the trauma is over well most of it anyway and you are not real.  Maybe I needed to feel like a smuck back then or a bad person or whatever, but not anymore, not anymore ego so.  Why don’t you just fuck yourself.   You know something like that.   I think it helps.

And there are times too when I am listening.   See earlier posts about listening.   What else, the good stuff is breaking through the bad stuff.   Like I can be in a meeting and reacting to what people are saying then a few minutes later just start laughing and the negativity goes into remission I guess.     And I am bored af.    lol.   I didn’t bring my wallet and there is a cop right behind me.   So I can’t go buy any cigarettes…..

Tomorrow is another  day I will have my wallet  lol.    I guess that’s all bon nuit toute les monde.

Love

It is our affections and desires good or bad that move us to act.   Inspired by Jonathan Edwards in Religious Affections

“Love often times knows no measure, but is fervent beyond all measure.  Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of labors, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse of impossibility; for it thinks all things possible for itself and all things lawful.   It is therefore strong for all things, and it completes many things, and brings them to effect, where he who does not love faints and lies down.   Love is watchful and sleeping slumbers not.  Though wearied it is not tired; though pressed it is not straitened; though alarmed, it is not confounded;  but as a lively flame and burning torch, it forces its way upward and securely passes through all.  If any person love, he knows what is the cry of this voice.  For it is a loud cry in the ears of God, that ardent affection of the soul, when it says: “My God, object of my love, thou art all mine, and I am all thine.”  Thomas a Kempis

It is Love that holds everything together I believe.

the place

I went to the place where I can feel his presence today and that helped.  Amazing to be able to say that, the place where I feel his presence, but I believe it to be true.   I remember talking to my friend one time and him saying Mark, I think you are tired.   What a revelation….  I think I have been really tired lately and I need to go back to resting.   I heard today, Mark you know what to do.   I do know what to do.   Seek peace and pursue it.    That is my answer.  I find it in meetings, walking outside, sitting down, in the special place.   I love to brain fuck all this and make it complicated, but it is not too complicated.   Listening resting, whatever you want to call it I have been there and I am capable of going back.  That needs to be my priority, thats what it is it needs to be my priority, seeking the kingdom first, whatever you want to call it, and the rest falls into place.   I think I have more of a chance now, now that my will has gone through some needed suffering.   The eye of the hurricane, getting centered, waiting, all means the same thing to me.   And in the eye the hurricane does not seem so terrible.   I’m ok and i am going to be ok, no cliche for me, it is a very powerful voice that can say that to me, the voice of the one who owns the cattle on a thousand hills.  The higgs boson in the higgs boson that holds everthing together with his love song.   The song I am still learning to hear that a part of me craves in other places still that do not sing it.   The song of the king that if I keep listening will keep me out of the forest of the hopenots. I can’t beat myself up.   After all this time I am still learning.   But what I am learning is priceless to me, the one I am getting to know better is my pearl of great price.   We will be like him for we will see him as he is.   That’s in the future, so I cannot expect myself to have arrived right.   We WILL be like him and we WILL see him as he is.   That is also a promise of a sure hope a hope that I believe I share with all of humanity that longing for peace, connection, love and joy.   It is what we all have to look forward to, I believe.

Shalom ya’ll

Salvador