goodness is coming

goodness is coming

problems will go away

like the prayer

take away my difficulties

that their absence

my show forth

your presence

its a confidence

I didn’t have before

that things will be ok

because you will make sure

they are ok

never had a thought like that before


on being positive

Just got back from an AA meeting.  Good stuff.  I get a better perspective when I am out of the house and not sure why.  In the house I can feel god’s presence and that is big.   Some of the negative is getting in my head about narcissists I have known and how I have been treated and sometimes still am.   Realizing that a current relationship is probably not as healthy as I thought it was and what to do about that.   Right now I am not talking to him.  His focus can be too negative.  I am the guy who doesn’t have any money and needs my truck fixed in his eyes.   Well, that is not who I am part of my current situation but not who I am by a long shot!!!!

I am going to a good place I think.   I will be leading a congregation in worship.   Since the change a year ago worship has become real important to me.  Until yesterday every time I do it privately I cry.   Trying not to make a big deal about the fact that I didn’t yesterday.   Thinking that corporate worship is going to be wonderful.   God’s felt presence continues to be with me and I will take that into every single worship experience I have from now on.   Wow, that blows my mind it is so good!!     Thinking that at some point that will be a shared experience with me and the congregation.   I will find a place where I can continue to help others which is what I love to do.  I believe I have a gift of healing and recently helped someone with a resentment they were carrying.  I am thinking that I have a lot more to do in the future.   I will continue to help people with my counseling skills.  Need to find a place where I can do that.  Head of staff of a big church may not work.  I have heard from two churches who are interested in me!!!!!!   Go Mark, go Mark!!!   One of them may be fighting so they may be out.   The other is two small churches.   The issue there is can they grow or will they die?    But hopefully the good worship and a helping/healing ministry I will have in the church and community will help it grow.  I really believe that is god’s job and not mine.  I can do things to get the word out, but will AA there is the priniciple of attraction and not promotion.   And the Holy Spirit added to numbers in the New Testament.   I wouldn’t want every discussion I have with people to be about how to attract people.   With other good things going on it doesn’t have to be.   It wasn’t when I was in MS before but there was anger that I did not “save” the church.   Not interested in that again.  That is negative thinking anyway.

It really does floor me that I am aware of god’s presence most of the time now.  I can’t let the significance of that get lost.   And the bible is different too.  I have been wanting to read it lately.   That has been a change for the good I think.   And with being less emotional I may worship more, not sure.   I have been hesitant because every time it has felt some intense.   Maybe with less intensity I will do it more often.  We’ll see.


its been a while

It’s been a while since I wrote anything.  Today I helped someone with the inner healing prayer that I do.  Looks like he will be able to move on from the resentment and the hurt he felt from his betrayal.  I worshiped today that way I have for the past year or so.  Tears come when I listen to worship music and worship my god in that way.   Looks like I am going to be a pastor in a church somewhere.  If the church and anyone else can benefit from my experiences I would be happy for that.  Pride can get in the way but I believe that nothing that god wants to do can be stopped.   Yeah I know you sure wonder what he is doing sometimes and why he does not just make everything right right now.  Well that is above my pay grade and yours.  My job is to trust him which I think I am doing a little better.   Worry does not seem to have the hold as strongly as it has.   I know it is faith in fear.   I have been doing it a long time and it helped me at first being abused my narcissists but it is not as necessary now.   A lot of my time is spent enjoying my higher power in the quiet and he is on my mind more than before and not just on my mind but I am aware of him more of the time now.  Not sure where this will all go but for a while now I have just been going along for the ride and it has been a wild one to say the least.  That’s all I got.


It doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter. I heard that 10 months ago and know there is more to it than I know or I will experience more of it if that makes sense. Compared to him nothing really matters because nothing else will last. Love will last. Joy will last. The sweet praise of his name for me will last. Peace will last. Pray for the peace of Jerusalem and the world because it will win out over everything else 🙂 One day the earth will be as full of relational knowledge, the good kind of knowledge as the water’s cover the sea I believe. Good hearts and good hearted people will prosper in the end when the meek inherit the earth 🙂 Shalom ya’ll, Salvador

notes on Galatians cont.

disclaimer:   my thoughts if you disagree don’t bother to tell me.

So  I ask myself am I free and what does it mean that I am free?  Paul seems to be saying that favor with God cannot be accomplished by keeping the law in my own power.   That that is not possible to do anyway.   I think he says that even those to believe that that is true cannot do it.  As the law shows me who I am, someone who falls short all the time, but the law has not power to enable me to not fall short.  So Paul seems to be saying that will power is powerless to help me with that but by faith we have the Spirit.   If I no longer live but Christ lives in me then he has the power to enable to live rightly.

But that is a process.   Even though that process goes on my whole life, I  that I am free all during that process even though my body may still be enslaved to doing certain things.  As it says in Hebrews what Jesus did on the cross tore the veil separating the holy holys and the outside world.  There is nothing I can do to gain access to that place and if there was something I could do to gain access to that place then there was no need for Jesus to die on the cross.  Just as I am, just as I was when I was 16 and started to believe this stuff I was granted access to God, a relationship with him.  And he to rescue me from danger interposed his precious blood.   How beautiful the words of that hymn are.  The cross rescues me from the danger of not ever being able to know and related to god.   Being a good person can’t get me there either.   And the process talked about above is a process that goes on within the holy of holies if you will.  So the cross gets me from outside to inside the holy of holies where I am free to know and relate to god, saved from being without god and without hope in the world as Paul says somewhere else.   I’m not going to go into the discussion of what about other people and this same freedom of they don’t believe in Jesus.  I honor all people and how they connect to their higher power or however their faith understands that.  I know of plenty of people who have described experiences with god that sound just the same as experiences I have had.   One person saying I was alone in my house or room and all of a sudden I didn’t feel alone any more.  I can’t remember the last time I did feel alone like that so make of that whatever you wish.



Disclaimer:  These are my thoughts.  It helps me to write down what I think.  If you disagree, I don’t care.   If it helps in some way, then awesome sauce.


5:11      The offense of the cross.  Paul has been saying that the ones who encourage circumcision are still living by the law.  The cross enables us to live by the Spirit to know him and to live the way of freedom in the Spirit’s power.  The Judiazers negate the cross by encouraging the people to live by the law.   So for Paul they are still following the old covenant the covenant of works.   The law can show us our faults but is powerless to help us do anything about those faults.  Through the cross we live by the Spirit instead of will-power as we have tried to do in the past.   Some Galatians may have been Jewish but most weren’t.   But they lived by the law by living and doing their thing in their own power.

BW makes this point by saying that no human power could relieve us of our alcoholism, but God could and would if he were sought.   He also applies that same principle to the character defects.   Paul, in my view is doing the same thing by saying the fruit of the flesh is…………but the fruit of the Spirit is…………….By the Spirit we are set free from those things that our will-power was powerless to help us with.


By faith we are children of the free woman not the slave woman.  If we want to be in god’s favor through our own efforts then we are slaves.  If we accept the gift from Jesus through the cross.  He was born under the law and  became a curse for us to set us free from being a curse ourselves.  Then by the same faith we are filled with the Spirit who enables us to live the free life instead of the life of slavery when all we had was our will power which was powerless to enable to really live freely.  So through faith we are forgiven of our past, present and future wrong doing, I believe and also through faith we are given the Spirit that empowers us to live, not as the world and here by the world I think Paul means in the context of this book the acts of the flesh, envy and all that other stuff he mentions but we are empowered to love, joy, peace, patients, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control and loving our neighbor as ourselves.


The Jews who live by the law and gentiles live in the same way through will power.  If these gentiles start trying to be good through their own efforts they are no better off than they were before and are still seeking to live in their own power, instead of living through the power of the Spirit.  Paul says, I have been crucified and all of my life is lived by faith that Christ lives in him and does the work.   So he cannot boast about being right with god or the way he lives as Christ enables all of that.

B W says the same thing by saying “the father doeth the work.”   That is to me the power to be sober and to overcome my character defects.    Will power is powerless to enable me to do that and I think many AA’s miss this point he is making I believe it is in chapter 7 of the 12 and 12 where gives the example of being set free from the desire to drink as the way god removes our shortcomings as well.

above all

“Above all things, and in all things, O my soul, rest in the Lord alway, for he is the everlasting rest of the saints……Because thou, O Lord my God, art above all things the best; thou alone most high, thou alone most powerful, thou alone most sufficient and most full, thou alone most sweet and full of consolation.  Thou alone art most lovely and loving, thou alone most noble and glorious above all things, in whom all good things together both perfectly are, and ever have been, and ever shall be.  And therefore it is too small, and unsatisfying, whatever thou bestowest on me besides thyself, or promisest while thou art not see, nor fully obtained.  For surely my heart cannot truly rest, nor be entirely contented, unless it rest in thee, and surmont all gifts and every creature.”  Thomas a Kempis

so, you want me to turn off the TV

So, you want me to turn the TV off?


So I can hear you better?


But sometimes it won’t be fun,

you won’t hear anything or even particularly

enjoy me being there.

So don’t expect to all the time.

But you will be there right?


Every moment guiding you

(This is where I hear something and I get overloaded.   I know that what is said is true but don’t know how to put it into word.)

I think of all the pain but the good now with him that I have earned by the pain and all the loss and the good that has come from all the loss.   The good being with him and what I have wanted all the time that it seems I am starting to get, feeling close to him more often.  And at the same time the above shows there is more work to be done, no TV not being as easy as it sounds even at this stage in my development, knowing how easily still I can get freaked out and him being there is no comfort at all.   Except in times like above when it goes;

But no matter what you will be with me right?


And that is when him being with me feels like enough.   I think of a client where she wants someone to be with her and when they are,  that is enough and I think of how easily I loose that and how this has been hard since I am still trying to figure out when I have that and how do I go and find it, when i don’t.   Like Norma Jean, never knowing where to go to when the rains set in.  But all I know is presence is powerful.   On a good day, in a good moment like now I suppose, I know that presence is a  powerful thing and that with his I am ok and no that doesn’t make sense.   But that is where intellect gives way to something else.   The thing I really need, but not for something to make sense.

I’ve been worrying

I’ve been worrying and obsessing again.   Something happened at work and I have been stuck in that place again.   But I think I know what to do about it.   My sponsor said go to meetings and think about recovery.   That is part of the answer for me.   I think the rest of the answer is to get my attention on my higher power.   I have not always known how to do that and have wanted my higher power to be helpful in practical ways but that has not worked very well for the longest time either.

But I think it will work now.  Recently there was a change were he became more real to me and I have wanted that to believe that he is as real as tables and chairs and other people.  I just seem to know how to get my attention on him now where I struggled before.   This is hard to explain.  The eyes of my heart can see him.  In the quiet I believe I am aware of his presence.  I want to worship now where I didn’t before and when  I do my heart is engaged.   I think that is my answer to worry and obsessing and when I read it seems to confirm that.  “so we fix our eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen for what is seen is temporary and what is unseen lasts forever.”  Paul.    I think I understand that now.   The one I fix my eyes on has been and will be forever and I am with him in that forever, eternal world right now.   I think, what do you mean don’t focus on what I can see?   But I am starting to get it.   The one I can’t see is more important that all that I can see and more important that whatever is going on in my world, seen world at the time.  I am having more of a sense of living in eternity than in a temporal existence.   Because I do not live a temporal existence any more but a permanent one.  My body will stop working but my spirit will go on as if nothing happened and the most important things that I have been doing here, or the ones that are most important will be the ones that last, most of that having to do with my higher power.   From what I have read in the heavenly places there is worship going on right now and all the attention and focus of the other beings are on the supreme being.   So for me the most important thing I can do is do that now because that is what I will be doing for the rest of eternity.

I think this will be my solution when I get bent out of shape with all that is going on and I am stuck worrying and obsessing about it.  When that change happened I heard, it doesn’t matter.   Part of that I think is, he matters and nothing else matters a whole lot.  I know that sounds crazy.   Also, when I am with him nothing else matters.   That is more to it I think and now I am more aware that he is with me all the time.  So I am getting less attached to circumstances and more attached to him and maybe the scary circumstances are/will loose their power.   I have lots of trouble explaining this.   I do think today, right now my solution to this obsessing is him, attending to him, during the day if I can.  Being with him when it is quiet and I know for a long time I have wanted that to work but it just hasn’t and now it is starting to.



my boss

My boss called me into her office recently to ask me about something.  I could feel the fear on the way.  She asked me why I questioned the psy. dr about one of our clients when we had already discussed the matter and the doctor said she would not talk about a client having a certain diagnosis, one that I think he still suffers from to some degree.  She said with their expertise they don’t want people to challenge them.

She asked me about the fact that I had been frustrated lately about some things.  With the things she asked me I answered her and when I left I was worrying.  I think I was worrying about my supervisor who told her that I thought the psy dr will invalidate us at times.   She also pointed out that I was frustrated in a note I wrote in one of our log books.   I am sorting this out as I write.  I am wondering if she wanted me to be afraid by the way she brought up these things.  I was wondering if I was worrying about my supervisor who is hard to communicate with sometimes.   Things become an issue that don’t have to become an issue.  Like this whole thing with me getting frustrated sometimes.   The supervisor doesn’t know how to talk about things.   Validate things and ask questions.   But I am mainly thinking about my boss and how I think she was using fear with me, or maybe I am blowing it out of proportion.

Either way I won’t be afraid of people any more.  My ex the narcissist used fear to try to get me to give up my legal rights to my daughter.   That was brutal.  She had me in court with an attorney threatening all this shit if I didn’t do it.   I did get afraid, but I refused to.  Fighting that almost killed me as I attempted suicide, there were other stressors too.   But I remember the battle was with my fear and my love for my daughter won out.   I fought it until she proposed something that was real legal custody.

It disturbs me some how there is some similarity between these two situations.   One was to the extreme and blantant, but I do think there was an element of fear with my boss.  I think it was more than just concern.   Even now I think in the conversation with the doctor she said that the client could try fish oil so I think I will encourage him to do that.

My concern is with the client.  My boss is concerned that I challenged the doctor.  I honestly think, who fucking cares!!   You mean the doctor isn’t a big enough girl to hear someone question her about something?   Still it feels like fear.  We should be afraid to questions anything the doctor says.   I am waking up and thinking I will not be afraid.  That must be how I am dealing with this worry.  I was obsessing a lot after that meeting and wasn’t sure why and thought it was more worried about not being able to communicate with my supervisor but it may have more to do with the boss.   On some level she wanted me to be afraid of her and I wasn’t and I won’t be.  I realize that his how bosses operate and she is no different.   They use fear to control employees.   But after what I have been through, I’m not doing it.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.   One of the AA promises.   I claim that promise for me and am seeking to implement it now.   We will see if this helps the worrying and obsessing.  I was doing it all day yesterday.  I am just thinking I will not be afraid of her or anyone else.   That was abusive to me before and I won’t be treated that way.  I won’t.



One of the headlines says basically evil is still at work in the escalated anti-semitism.   I agree,  but what does that mean?  Of course it is a direct result of our leader’s rhetoric.  I am sure that our leader is a malignant narcissist and I wish other people could see it!!!  Is our leader evil.  I don’t know, but I do know from personal experience that these people are bad really bad.   It frustrates me that the media is still trying to figure out this guy.   Even one of the recipients of a pipe bomb is reticent to condemn him.  That tells me that he really doesn’t know what he is.  All I know is he needs to go and needs to go soon.  I leave that with my higher power.   I have contacted senators and the media but nobody really listens or do they.   We don’t know about the conversations going on.  You never know what will become popular to talk about and everyone pretty much stops short of this label.   I think that is because they cannot see it.  Narcissism likes to hide.  I did not know my ex was one until years later after we were married, a marriage of 24 years.  That sounds like evil to me something completely selfish and intent on harming others mascarading as someone good, referring to our leader.    Anyway, that’s all I got.