goodness is coming

goodness is coming

problems will go away

like the prayer

take away my difficulties

that their absence

my show forth

your presence

its a confidence

I didn’t have before

that things will be ok

because you will make sure

they are ok

never had a thought like that before

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the past few years

So about a year ago I was reading a blog about narcissists and after that I read about narcissism and all of a sudden I could see that my ex is narcissistic.   It blew my mind like crazy.   All that happened made sense.  I finally stopped blaming myself for everything.  But the grief is still there and it created more.   I had comforted myself that my girls were doing ok even though they still suffer from depression, anxiety and other stuff.  At least I thought other than that they were doing ok.

Well maybe not.   What does it mean that their mom is a narcissist?   I still don’t know and I have cried a lot but have not felt particularly angry.   But I must be.  How could I not be.  I have tried counseling but it didn’t work.   Now that I have a stable job, I think.

I seem to be thinking back over the last five years and it is a big WTF!!!!!!!!!.    The things I have been through a horrible divorce, my children moving to another state without my knowledge and certainly without my permission.   A suicide attempt, the result of drinking and defending my rights to my daughter in court without a lawyer and hers with all these threats, homelessness, poverty alcoholism.   And then doing it and my ex shows no concern whatsoever, cold as ice.   Her lawyer trying to turn it for her advantage.    That stuff must need to be processed.  At least that is what I am thinking right now anyway.   And my higher power in my face so to speak all the time, but some of the shit I think and him being right there….That is weird, like really weird man.   But I’m not complaining.   Anyway.

Salvador

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TM: 7/14/18

I’m sensing a confidence that things really will be ok.  All of this stuff is still really hard to believe.   Will I ever wrap my head around it, not if it is always changing.   Confidence that peace is coming or something, the worries will be no more, a peace I have never known before attending to him all that time maybe knowing what he instructs and doing it, not sure.   Not sure if this will come and go like other things have or if it will stick, another thought is more looking into the future, the eternal future and knowing that all problems will be gone soon and not just ultimately but this confidence, faith I guess is replacing moment by moment I feel this way, what do I do about it, now I feel this way, what to do?   It’s like I will know what to do in situations and that doing the best or right thing isn’t the issue but his presence will make all things right, I think that is it, his presence is and will make all things right.   Not sure that is all of it but at least a part and thinking that I never will know all of it.  hard to describe.

day whatever of the new cosmology

Been an emotionally crazy week at work.  Two days off coming.

Started the crazy miserable obsessing worry again.

Thought I was borderline for a while.

One of my favorite catastrophies.

It went away.

More peace is here and more is coming.

I don’t even wonder if that is the case.

There’s a confidence, confidence, confidence

That wasn’t there before.

More confirmation that

My little video character

Is in a new world.

May have to give him a name.

What?  Feido?

a dream

So, I started this group at work that seems to be going in the direction of group therapy and I have been anxious that the powers that be may not like that since I don’t think they have had someone do a group like that before.  Even though my title is Counselor and others that lead groups are counselors.

I had this dream just then that I was sharing with someone this intervention I have used, a healing of memories intervention,  that in my view,  has been powerful and helped a number of people heal in a powerful and fast way.   And the people I was talking to were sort of half-way listening.   Then my brother shows up and this one guy says, Paul Armstrong,  and starts talking to him.

So my interpretation is that I am afraid that the powers that be are not going to like what I am doing because it is not like what other people have been doing.   And the day before yesterday one of the powers that be,  called me in and asked how I was doing and said she was concerned that I was stressed and told me a couple situations where others have complained.   Of course, that scared me but my responses to her were, what were their concerns and I explained each situation and I think she understood why I responded the way that I did.   And I have been obsessing about that.  I also shared some things that I have been dealing with like the death of my mother.

I think my fear is now I have a job that I really like and can sink my teeth into,  and have been doing very very well, I think,  and others have affirmed me sometimes publicly, something is going to mess it up.   Really,  I think that some amazingly good things are about to start happening and I am going to mess that up somehow.   The last 5 years have been one bad thing after the other and that is not all that easy to recover from.   Although, I think I can look back and see why it all happened.   He had to suffer to be perfected, to get some benefits that he got, and so did/do I.   I now have the benefit of his company in a way that I have never had before, what I really have been wanting deep down my whole life.   And as a result of that,  and the gifts he has given me,  I think my workplace is benefiting from it all and will continue to in an amazingly good way.

That may be the case and it may not.   I don’t know 100% like nobody doesn’t but I feel that it will and I am not in control of the future and I have not quite let go of that yet.   That worry is loosening its grip.  Worry has been bigger than me like alcohol and has taken me out to drink more than once and was part of the reason why I drink, even though being drunk could not stop it.  Although, it took the edge off.    But I know that its back is broken and it will be gone probably in the not so distant future.  That is the assurance I get from him, it seems, and I need to trust that.   This new closeness with him is given me power over things like that in a way I have never had before.   The thought, “it doesn’t matter” has more power than it ever has and I think that about most things now.   Over the years I have wondered how is god actually helping me.   I can see how I have benefited from the way psychology is so practical and geared toward the place where the rubber meats the road, but not so much with knowing him.   I have thought, I just felt his presence why doesn’t anything change in my life.   I have always wanted his felt presence not for any change but because knowing him that way is the end, not the means to an end of getting anything.   The greatest gift he gives is himself for sure!  But starting with the change with realizing I was an alcoholic and being able to stop, this god thing has gotten more practical and I think the reality is he has been talking to me in my thoughts and been guiding me and giving me help all along.   I just couldn’t see it and it was not the kind of help that I wanted at the time and for good reason.    The shit I was going through was hard, very hard.  Anyway, thanks for letting me share.

Salvador

 

day whatever of a new cosmology

day whatever after hp (higher power)  drew closer to me.   I blog in part because I can say these things and in saying them someone has heard them and I am saying them so it is a way for me to confirm that these experiences are real for me.  Make sense?

Anyway, what happened still seems to be holding true and the one person that I read that seems to know about this has said the change is permanent.  It was like, when I was reading about it  the change happened.  So I did not read it and think I want that and I still don’t think that because I think I have it.    Like the kids in the Chronicles of Narnia, doing their thing and all of a sudden they are in a new world.

When the quiet changed for me when it started feeling full instead of empty that change stayed.   The quiet has not felt empty for a long time.   With this change I realized that the quiet is different not only in a big empty room but all the time.   What Jacob said, I was in the presence of god and I knew it not explains it for me.   When it happened it was the realization that at many other times and now it seems all the time that he was and is there.   I am still going around thinking I can’t believe this but the evidence is strong, stronger evidence for the reality of his presence than I have ever experienced.   Where before it was, maybe that was god, now he is staring me in the face.   And doubt is trying to hang on but it seems futile.   I feel like I am in a video game and I dropped down to a new level and the new level is welcome to a new cosmology.   Anyway, thanks for letting me share.

Salvador

its time for the adventure of a lifetime

It’s time to really start living in the realm of faith.

Not a formula but another world that upholds and is immensely intertwined with this one

I believe.

I ‘m not too afraid.

Most of me is gone anyway.

It is what I have wanted all along but didn’t know it until I started to see it for my own eyes

the evidence too great to resist

Something tells me

this is how I was always meant to live

to live and love in both worlds, faith and the one of reason and matter.

I can’t believe it.

I just can’t believe it.

Father’s Day

A time of grief for me.

I could never be a buddhist

took much suffering that cannot be meditated away

as far as I know

some things will only come about

through suffering

that is what I have experienced

and believe to be true

I didn’t know that for a long time

it makes it meaningful

even if I don’t know what the meaning will be

in AA

it is the pathway to liberation.

 

Peace,

Salvador