that problem…..

What has been so hard for me about that problem is how easy it has been for me to justify.  to impulsively just do it.   I just wanted to put that out there to the universe.  It has been hurtful to me and to people I love.  And that knowledge has been easy to deny but know it seems that I know that I deny it at my own peril.  And even when I say the words that voice says, what peril.   What a brain fuck, right.  I am lucky that my brain has failed me when it comes to addiction.  Lucky because I have always relied on my brain.  I am a smart mother fucker you know 🙂     That is why in the 12 and 12 in step 2 he says that reliance upon ourselves and our reason has been the problem.   The power of the alcoholic mind to rationalize a drink has taken many of us to our graves.   And I am sure the same is true for other addictions.  It is rationalizing that has kicked my ass.   So I can’t rely on my brain.  I have to rely on something else, the knowledge, for me that comes from my higher power (I think)  that I am an alcoholic.  What a strange disease, what a strange higher power, it is all really strange to me……


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