several years ago….

Several years ago I had this vision or picture or whatever of me driving a car and I pulled up beside my higher power and he said get out.  Get in the passenger seat and buckle up we are going for a ride.   Sometimes it has been like one nightmare after the other although what I thought was the worst, leaving my home has turned out to me ok.

Recently I relapsed, drank once.  Once was enough to remind me that it doesn’t work anymore and I am ok with that.  But I think what happened was, I started driving again.  All I want is a fucking counseling job, how fucking hard is that.  I don’t even care about money so why not give me a little more.  wtf, wtf, wtf.    I think this time I ran into my self-sufficiency.  And the horrors I have been through have only reinforced it.   No money, no rent, out on the street and I was like, I can’t do that again.  I just can’t.   But maybe I can if I have to, i don’t know.  I really don’t know anymore.  I drive around saying to myself I don’t know, and my higher power is talking to me and I am saying i don’t know.  I really don’t know do I.  I don’t know what is best for me.  I think I do I guess I thought I always have thought that.   There is this woman that I am helping online who is sick as hell and I encourage her.   What is that about?!!!!   I really really don’t fucking know.  I told someone and he said, sounds like you are care taking since you don’t really care about yourself…… i know.  I really did want to kill him.  No lie. That’s ok.  He doesn’t know me if he did he wouldn’t have said that.   I think I better let him drive again.  I really don’t want to.  It’s like how much more of this do I have to endure.   I don’t know.   That is what make sense to me right now.  I don’t know.  It may be good, it may not be.  I don’t know.   But I have to be ok with that.   The gloves are off now for me that means, come hell or high water whatever happens, a lot of it I can’t control and I don’t like that because people who were in control family, bosses other dumb asses did not have my best interest at heart, only their own.  But now its like I can’t take control either that is not working.  I want to say, I am just depressed, a good med will fix this. I may be actually, I may be.

So when I was in the hospital after a suicide attempt the psy. dr. before I left said to me, “Mark your solution is spiritual.”  I said, sometimes the chemical needs to work so the spiritual can work and he agreed.  And that is what is perplexing me right now.  What the hell is going on?  I really don’t know and besides blogging and really don’t want to talk to anyone about it except maybe a doctor….  And he is right whether I like it or not I am not my own.  Someone else possesses me.   It is not for me to say this or that I will go here or I will go there.  It is for him to say what will happen tomorrow and the next day and the next day and all of the rest of the days until heaven and earth kiss  and I am really really where I want to be.  Will something feel like home again before that?   I don’t know.  Maybe.  I would like that but for now I just want to be ok with going along for the ride.  I thought I was but I really wasn’t, but I need to get this right because drinking doesn’t work nor does about three or four other things and I seem to be breaking free from all of that shit.  No lie.   So that is good I guess.  I really hope this is the last time I ever want to drive again.  But I don’t know.   I do know that there is someone I love more than life itself and even when I wanted to not believe I still loved him and I think I always will but do I trust him enough to let him drive some more.   I think I am being force to.  He is saying again.  Take your hands off that fucking wheel!!!!!!!!!!!!   Just take them off.  Just take your hands off that fucking wheel.

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