not only….

not only did I get one counseling job but two!

holy makerel ?sp.

And there is some gratitude I must admit.

Hard to admit because I tried really hard and didn’t give up.

But when it happened I said, I can’t believe it and I have had that feeling before and it is not a, I can’t believe it, that I did that but something else if that makes sense.

Sort of like the I don’t know, I just don’t know thoughts I have had in the past, like I am just going along for the ride here kind of thoughts.

I thought I used to be grateful all the time but I don’t think so.  Maybe I am more honest now or know myself better.   More aware of that part of me that will say, I can get this done if I work hard enough because I am smart and talented and all that good shit.   But it is probably shit at least the part that thinks because of all those things I am good, I’ve got this.

BW talks about the improper use of will power, to bombard all our problems with it.  We’ll who doesn’t right?  Who the hell doesn’t !?  And maybe that is his point.  We are pretty self-sufficient mother fuckers.  So there is a little gratitude.  I have worked my ass off for four years trying to get a job and all the other ones did not stick for various reasons.  And yes I was criticized for leaving one or two.  But I had to trust myself that they were not good situations and I could see really fast that they were not in some cases and I am glad I did because it seems like these are two good situations.  Of course I worry that thesoe people are batshit crazy too, but at least I am not worried that I am batshit crazy and that is progress, really god dam progress.  I know I can do a damn good job and at least part of my does not take all the credit for that that that at least part of what I have has been given and probably all of what I have has been given but I had to keep going to choose to keep going in this world and to try to find something doing what I like to do and am good at.  And to not listen to the people who where money and convenience are the highest values.  Because they are not for me.  Where can I make the greatest impact for good.  That is my highest value I suppose and the question I want to keep answering the best I can and then doing those things until I am pushing daisies.

Sounds admirable but not sure it is so much and here is where the,  it is not all me part comes in,  because Salvador Edwards is a prejudice teenager who likes to drink and do drugs, any drugs, not too discriminate there, and bully people and smash mailboxes.  I could go on but you get the point.   All this other stuff, the one who grabbed me and said you are mine from now on, you’re going to do my bidding from now on whether you like it or not, gets the credit for all that other stuff.  There are other things to do besides bully people, take drugs and smash mailboxes although those things were really a lot of fun I thought at the time, but I got diverted from those things I guess you could say.   That’s all I got.  Thanks for letting me share.

Shalom ya’ll,

Salvador

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