a song

What can wash away my sin?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

What can make me whole again?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Oh precious is the flow that makes me white as snow.

No other fount I know.

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

 

What that means to me.   A lot because there is love in that that he would make the ulitimate sacrifice for me.  Christian theology says he did not need to do it for himself as he was sinless so it was a purely self sacrificial act.   I need to believe that someone loves me.   If you have been reading the blog you know why.   Parents and ex are narcs. and there is no real love in that.  Anything they do is for themselves one way or another.  I know I felt used by mom mom, cannot give you a lot of examples, just felt used.

The song says to me that I can put up my hammer, right?   That is important since I have a boss right now who every time we talk it is about something I have done she does not like.   She won’t be my boss much longer, gratefully.  But living with narcs you are very sensitive to criticism and there is no shortage of people in the world who are more than ready to chime in from my experience anyway.   I do wonder how I made it through all that and I believe the answer is the man in the song.   I met him when I was 16 if not before that and the message I got on our meeting, (it was not the message delivered by the person who was talking but it was the message that I heard from the man in the song) was that he accepts me just the way that I am.   Not sure that I would add that then but I do now, and does not judge me and will not judge me in the future, not that there are no consequences for breaking the law and such but I have a higher power who does not judge me.  And whether that is theologically correct or not I don’t care.   I take the liberty like everyone else in AA of having the kind of higher power that I need and I need one that does not judge me no matter what.  I guess that is unconditional love like I have for my daughters but it is possible that I could judge them unfairly and probably have.  My higher power does not and will not do that.   If anything the song means that to me.   That he sees me as white as snow with nothing able to dirty me up no matter what I do.

I need that kind of object/relation with my higher power, to internalize someone who does not judge me to heal all the internal introjects of people who have been full of judgement, hate, cruelty and condemnation towards me.   I think he knew I would need it to survive, thus the beginning of what to me is the reality of introjecting a loving, accepting higher power when I was 16 if not younger.   Christians call that the holy spirit who is the man in the song living inside of us.

Of course a lot of churches fuck that all up and help people introject a condemning judgemental god that pushes them away.   Talked to a guy today who told me his story of that kind of judgement from the church that ran him off.   Thank god for AA where people can find a loving higher power to relate to when they thought that swearing off that idol they heard about in church meant that they were swearing off the spiritual life completely.  Thank god for Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob who prophetically and powerfully opened the doors of the spiritual life to millions who otherwise would not know it helping to deliver them from slavery and death, myself include, something the man in the song did when he came here.  But not unlike many great men and great movements their followers get pretty good at fucking things up.  Religion being a haven these days for the cruelty of narcissism.  It is not uncommon for a narc to push a partner or a loved one to the point of suicide even encouraging them to do it!  Yeah, wtf is right!  Just like the  narcs that pushed the man in the song to die but his death and resurrection will bring the ultimate defeat of evil people like that in the future and right now he continues that fight that war in people like you and me.  That is my version of it, everybody has their own.   “There’s a feeling like the clenching of a fist.  There’s a hunger in the center of the chest.  And when the body sleeps the heart will never rest.”  Shed a little light O Lord!   Wreak havoc on evil!   Obliterated it from the face of the earth! and bring in your kingdom!  soli deo gloria.

Salvador Edwards

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