sometimes you need a pill

I hve struggled with several mental health issues over the years.  It hasn’t been easy.  Depression was labeled, treatment resistant, for a long time.  None of the medicines had any effect.  Well should I say positive.   Some made it worse and the side effects of some made it worse as well.  It didn’t help living with a narc either.   Anger that I was spending money trying to get help was her reaction instead of care.  After leaving her and continuing to try to get help something starting helping for that.

One time in the hospital a Psychiatrist said to me, “Salvador, your solution is spiritual.”  I said, “yes but sometimes the neurological has to work better in order for the spiritual too.”   Turns out we were both right.  I think my faith was getting me through and I had a measure of it then but things were getting in the way.

Nothing seemed to help for ADHD or anxiety either.   More recently I have renewed the attempt to get help with those two.  After loosing a job because of getting behind in paperwork I needed to do something.  The hallmark sign of GAD, generalized anxiety disorder, is worry.   Not garden variety worry.  I may have to kill myself because this is about to happen worry.  No matter what my brain will find something to worry about.  So I went to my doctor and tried two medicines I have tried before for those problems.  In the last few days there seems to be some change.  It may be too early to know for sure.  What I said to the doctor was true for me.  Anxiety was robbing of some of the serenity of my faith.  Writing this post is a good sign.  Not sure I would have done it before.  What if someone knows me?  What if my boss reads it?   What if, what if what if.  Fuck what if.   What if all those terrible things don’t happen.   What if that is closer to the truth than all that worry.  What if I can believe that better right now because I take a pill that works.  Editing this post before I send it is a good sign too  🙂  So I’m grateful this day for pills.



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