so I got this new job

I have a new job.  I am going to be working for a huge insurance company.   When a member says they want counseling I will be their care coordinator.  I have never heard of that but it sounds interesting.  I will do their mental health assessment that the clinicians use to start doing therapy with the member.

I am a little nervous too.  I have not had a good paying job in a long time.  And it has been rough. My mind is all over the place about it.  But I do go back to I worked professional jobs for a long time.  No reason why I can’t know.  And its going to go the way it is supposed to go.  My little faithful part has trouble because I worry and get afraid.  Maybe meds will help with that.   Something inside says its going to be ok.  Like Sara Groves says, and realizing that its not up to you and it never was.  When her god is very close to her that is her experience.  I have experienced that too.  All the time I spend thinking about all the shit I think about besides him.   He comes around and I take a break.  All of a sudden that stuff is not so big.  Its like it doesn’t matter at all anymore.  Only him.  That comes to me.  I haven’t yet been able to put myself in the place where it comes to me, it just comes to me sometime.   Aslan is a wild lion not tame, a wild lion, not tame.

At least I am not checking out anymore with drinking or anything else.  You have not idea how happy that makes me feel.  Finally taking life on the nose, not escaping.  No matter what happens with this job, that is big to me, really big.  That is some good perspective right there, some really good perspective.

I am not with my ex anymore.   Honestly that was one of the reasons I checked out.   I slept all that time as a way of checking out too.  Narcissists will suck you dry.  But I chose to check out to even afterwards.  And it is grace I truly believe that enables me not to today.  My love that beautiful woman, Grace.  One issue just went away, gone.  It bothered me for I don’t know how long.  Drinking took AA and my higher power to help me see I was an alcoholic.  Just like one day I saw that my ex was a narcissist.  I am telling you that was the strangest experience I have ever had.   Then I was sure that he was telling me that I needed to tell her.  I was driving and hearing this and saying, dude I have to drive.  Do you want me to have a wreck.  He just seem to keep right on talking.

So one thing I am glad about that whatever happens with this new job, I will take it on the nose.  That, just that, is huge progress for me.


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