I had this dream

I had this dream last night.  I was at the grocery store and I had got some rewards I was going to cash in.  So I went up to the counter and the lady said here’s how to get your rewards and you are gorgeous btw.   I walked away smiling.   The other day I saw an eagle fly right over my head while I was thinking about getting counseling and getting free from how I have been abused by narcissists.

Today I was in a meeting where we were talking about family members and this guy shared how he has gotten free from the desire to drink and it has been over four years since he had a drink.

What is all this?    The other day I was reading about narcissistic abuse and went on facebook and read something about prayer and asked my hp to take away the depression fatigue and right after I cried really really hard and felt some release.

Yesterday I had a terrible work experience but today I am ok.   I will just go to work tomorrow and I don’t think that I will be worried about it although I have a hard time with people right now.

I honestly believe that what is so beautiful about me right now is that my hp is setting me free.   Maybe I will start feeling like he is my home his love through his presence and other people in my life.    I felt the care for others in that meeting today.  People just saying where they were and other people respecting what they had to say.

So it looks like freedom is on the way.   Freedom from worry and feeling like it is all up to me.  It can’t be all up to me.  I am really hoping that when I really feel better and have more energy I won’t go back to it is all up to me to get jobs and money and all that shit.   I don’t think there is any peace in that.   I think I get the peace I do get from my hp and if I go back to it is all up to me it won’t work.

Grateful today for this now and not yet freedom.   Freedom to love and be loved.   I think that is what it boils down to for me.   There is no real love in narcissism not real love.  But I have known real love from hp and from others going all the way back to my childhood.   I thought I didn’t know what it felt like but I think I do.  I know the feeling of another’s presence that is hard to describe.   Too wonderful to describe yet ordinary and subtle at the same time, to have times when everything is ok and when it doesn’t feel like it is I would like to start thinking that he will come back and it will feel like that again.

Shalom,

ya’ll

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ya’ll

Ya’ll yesterday I was working in a subdivision and a bald eagle flew right over my head at the exact same time I was wondering what to do about my distress.  Right, it was the promise of freedom.  Today I worked with this guy named Rufus and we agreed that we would work together for a while.  I was telling him about all my worries and he said something about god that I can’t remember.  I remember saying that my daddy owns the cattle on a thousand hills, I just wish I could trust him more.  This evening I am calmer.  Not too worried about will I sprain my ankle carrying heavy doors and stuff over big construction rocks.  Ok that I work construction right now.  Ok that there is a woman I care about who is more sick now than ever.  Just really ok with that.

I said to him, where have you been love?  Of course I didn’t get an answer.  In a meeting the other day a young woman met her higher power when she was outside looking at a lightening bug.  This calm came over her.  That to me is the powerful calm that holds everything together.  I heard a number of stories in the same meeting of things happening like that.  Of a someone orchestrating events in their lives that they could not explain.  I am about ready to give up trying to figure out and understand and just accept.  Accept that I care for her.  Accept that for me anyway this person is not ready to come down and make everything right even though that is what I want and I think that that is what I am supposed to want that he delays for some reason maybe until more people want a higher power and are willing to say, uncle.   I can’t carry the weight of the world around on my shoulders any more.  It is just too much.  Shit isn’t going to happen when I want it to, but when and if it is supposed to.  And that the present is not a bad place to be really sitting here with shit all over my floor.  Everything I own in this room because what I own really doesn’t matter to me all that much and it never has mattered all that much.  And right now I know some beautiful people.  An older man in a truck speaking words of life to me today.   Someone who finally just lets me love them and doesn’t run away, doesn’t ask a lot of stupid questions, goes through hell and doesn’t complain.  People in meetings talking about the miracle of staying sober.  Some who don’t have any angle.  They just want to help the next sick and suffering alcoholic.   Right here in this room where right now everything is as it should be.

“accepting hardship as a pathway to peace”

That means more to me now than it did before.    There is less that I can control than I thought.  And I am more ok with that now.   Checking out of reality does not work any more.  I just doesn’t so welcome to reality and maybe reality is not the awful thing that I  like to think that it is.   So my catastrophyzer ?sp, needs to slow down and the only way I know to do that is to say come what may I have an inner resource that I can tap into. (see Appendix 2 in the big book about spiritual experience)   So I think my faith is growing.  I read about how others are able to transcend their pain and get to a place of calm.   Bill Wilson, Paul, Jonathan Edwards, John Calvin.   Those are the people I read and they all say it.   BW says that we have found a faith that works to where we are able to face impossible situations calmly.  wtf.   To me that is real spiritual power.   That is not the opiate of the masses as my doubter would like to think.   As that calm is a gift.   There are times for me when the worries go away and I have an unexplicable calm.    It does not come from drugs or anything I am trying to think positive or negative.   There is a peace and confidence that is not from me.   That to me is what it means to tap into the inner resource.

what I am learning….

I am learning that its not all up to me and it never was.   That is in a song by Sara Groves, a song about surrender.   Maybe I am surrendering and saying, I can’t do it all myself.  Its scary, know what I mean?

Circumstances are forcing me I believe to do this.  I got so jacked up the other day I drank.   That can’t happen again.   I need to be ok with what I can do that day, with the energy I have and to believe that I never am just doing whatever I am doing in my own steam.   And that others care and they don’t do it perfectly and I need to be ok with that.

I think something is changing with the fear too, like I can’t get that jacked up again, I might drink.   That is what I am thinking anyway.  So I am asking him to take away the worry and the fear so that whatever happens or whatever may happen fear and worry are not my first response.   This is hard to articulate.  That nothing that I may face seems insurmountable or impossible to me but not in my own strength.  Like I think I have been trusting myself way more than I thought.   I want don’t want to fear the future anymore and not because I can handle anything that may occur but because with my higher power’s help I can handle anything.   To go from self reliance to higher power reliance.   BW talks about this about how the alcoholic before he faced the juggernaut of alcohol was cruising along very nicely and life was going great fueled by self will.  I think a week ago my self will ran into a fucking brick wall and fucking brick wall and I said to myself, “impossible,”   so I drank and that can’t happen again and the only way it can’t is to say no matter what no fucking matter want I can run to the future and don’t have to fear anything because I want to be running in higher power strength not self will what someone calls “will worship.”   I may be wrong but I think most people trust their will and I think I have been trusting my will and a week ago my will said uncle, fuck this too much so I drank.  I don’t know if I am there yet like what if I get alzheimers or something up til now I have thought to myself, fuck no fuck no fuck no  lol.     I don’t know that is what I am thinking.

Years ago I wondered if I was an alcoholic and wondered that to my higher power and I heard, “let Bill help you.”   I knew which Bill he was talking about and I thought I had but maybe I hadn’t and maybe I am really starting to let Bill help me and maybe steps 1-3 will have more power than that did last time….

 

the kingdom that lasts forever

Daniel told about a kingdom that will last forever and will crush all the other kingdoms.  That kingdom is in this world right now I believe.   It is the kingdom of the little ego and the big soul.   The church has the teaching about the kingdom but not much power I believe.   As the church seems to be a breading ground right now for big egos.   I think the church lacks the ferocity to crush much of anything right now.   I may be wrong, but I see this kind of spiritual life in AA and NA and the other 12 step groups.   They know about the problem of the big ego and every day you can go to a meeting and hear people talk about the problem of their big ego and what they are doing about with the help of a higher power.   And I think this is a kingdom of love.   But the kind of love that is powerful enough to crush big egos and knows that things like suffering helps to grow big souls.   I may be wrong on that one too, since I don’t want more suffering for anybody including myself.   But Revelation talks about the tree of life when the new heaven and new earth are finally here.  Its leaves are for the healing of the nations.  Does that mean that complete healing happens in the after life?  Not sure.  Maybe.   I do think that that healing is available now at least in part as the kingdom that will last forever is here as well.   The kingdom of the little egos and big souls.  That is where the life is, I believe.  That is where the life is.

compassion

Its what the sick people in our lives need.

So its not about us, in a good way.

Its about what someone else did to them.

And that is why they do what they do to us.

So its not about us, in a good way.

It puts the focus on them.

And heals the hate and shame and guilt we feel.

Its really the way to love ourselves

in the best possible way.

Its care for us, when we are caring for them.

no losers here……..

fear

So CS Lewis says when you are afraid focus on the fear instead of the thing you are afraid of.  Say to yourself I am just feeling fear right now verses focusing on the object of your fear.  Rick Riordan says go toward the fear instead of away from it.  We fear something and we go in the opposite direct.  Move toward it.  Isaiah says, el tira, fear not.  I still think that when I am as convinced that my higher power is in the room as much as anything or anyone else I will think to myself, what do I have to be afraid of, and am looking forward to the day when we will all live together in peace, not in fear, to the one day when fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us and the situations that used to baffles us will  be plain.

today

today I was:

overwhelmed

depressed

thinking I didn’t get the new job and I may not and angry and depressed

I asked for help, then…..

On the bus was on one  of my friends who has OCD, he reminded me of a speech I gave on Mental Health Awareness Day event I gave several months ago.  He said he saw it online.

He said he was grateful that he was not homeless anymore.

That helped.  I thought of the hymn:  all the way my savior leads me and how the author John White committed it to memory when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease.  “for I know what ere befalls me Jesus doeth all things well.”

I thought about how I believe that the secret of being content is believing/knowing?  that everything is from god’s hand.

that being homeless, starving, in an abusive relationship, whatever with my higher power is better than anything without him, that for me he is my raison d’etre and that is what I said during the above speech and that is what I believe and it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of that one way or another since the one I will possess and be consumed with for the rest of eternity is the one I possess right now and that I have tasted of his sweetness, his other worldly and ineffible sweetness that there is nothing in this world that compares, and that is what I will continue to do, that being in AA is helping me with this somehow, that I don’t think I will ever drink again and all of that makes me happy and satisfied right here sitting on my bed with no sheets on it and papers and crap scattered all around the room and none of my pictures on the wall because none of that matters right now and if I got here right now today, I can get here again, and I have been here before and this is just the goddammm beginning, just the goddmammnn beginning and if this is just the goddammnn beginning then what is next, holy shit what is next, and that is why no matter what, i can run, not walk or hide or be scared but run, run as fast and hard as I fuckin can toward the future because no matter what I have him to look forward to, more and more and more of him……more shit too and more good times too, right, more shit and good times but more of him…

 

 

Love by George Herbert

Love bade me welcome: yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-eyed Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning
If I lacked anything.

“A guest,” I answered, “worthy to be here”:
Love said, “You shall be he.”
“I, the unkind, ungrateful? Ah, my dear,
I cannot look on thee.”
Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,
“Who made the eyes but I?”

“Truth, Lord; but I have marred them; let my shame
Go where it doth deserve.”
“And know you not,” says Love, “who bore the blame?”
“My dear, then I will serve.”
“You must sit down,” says Love, “and taste my meat.”
So I did sit and eat.

love like that burns me I am so unfamiliar with it.