So, I started this group at work that seems to be going in the direction of group therapy and I have been anxious that the powers that be may not like that since I don’t think they have had someone do a group like that before. Even though my title is Counselor and others that lead groups are counselors.
I had this dream just then that I was sharing with someone this intervention I have used, a healing of memories intervention, that in my view, has been powerful and helped a number of people heal in a powerful and fast way. And the people I was talking to were sort of half-way listening. Then my brother shows up and this one guy says, Paul Armstrong, and starts talking to him.
So my interpretation is that I am afraid that the powers that be are not going to like what I am doing because it is not like what other people have been doing. And the day before yesterday one of the powers that be, called me in and asked how I was doing and said she was concerned that I was stressed and told me a couple situations where others have complained. Of course, that scared me but my responses to her were, what were their concerns and I explained each situation and I think she understood why I responded the way that I did. And I have been obsessing about that. I also shared some things that I have been dealing with like the death of my mother.
I think my fear is now I have a job that I really like and can sink my teeth into, and have been doing very very well, I think, and others have affirmed me sometimes publicly, something is going to mess it up. Really, I think that some amazingly good things are about to start happening and I am going to mess that up somehow. The last 5 years have been one bad thing after the other and that is not all that easy to recover from. Although, I think I can look back and see why it all happened. He had to suffer to be perfected, to get some benefits that he got, and so did/do I. I now have the benefit of his company in a way that I have never had before, what I really have been wanting deep down my whole life. And as a result of that, and the gifts he has given me, I think my workplace is benefiting from it all and will continue to in an amazingly good way.
That may be the case and it may not. I don’t know 100% like nobody doesn’t but I feel that it will and I am not in control of the future and I have not quite let go of that yet. That worry is loosening its grip. Worry has been bigger than me like alcohol and has taken me out to drink more than once and was part of the reason why I drink, even though being drunk could not stop it. Although, it took the edge off. But I know that its back is broken and it will be gone probably in the not so distant future. That is the assurance I get from him, it seems, and I need to trust that. This new closeness with him is given me power over things like that in a way I have never had before. The thought, “it doesn’t matter” has more power than it ever has and I think that about most things now. Over the years I have wondered how is god actually helping me. I can see how I have benefited from the way psychology is so practical and geared toward the place where the rubber meats the road, but not so much with knowing him. I have thought, I just felt his presence why doesn’t anything change in my life. I have always wanted his felt presence not for any change but because knowing him that way is the end, not the means to an end of getting anything. The greatest gift he gives is himself for sure! But starting with the change with realizing I was an alcoholic and being able to stop, this god thing has gotten more practical and I think the reality is he has been talking to me in my thoughts and been guiding me and giving me help all along. I just couldn’t see it and it was not the kind of help that I wanted at the time and for good reason. The shit I was going through was hard, very hard. Anyway, thanks for letting me share.