humility

People have told me I have it.  Maybe I have but what they have seen is also what I did to survive.  Not sure how to articulate that any better.  I am getting a lesson though in liberation on this July 4th, that humility is the door to true true true liberation, liberation to the bondage of self.   I have run into walls, no career job, not seeing my kids, what if my kids are messed up?   What if I am messed up?    The driving force?   Ego driven fear. The only way for these things to happen is for me to make them happen.   That has been my modus opperandi and I didn’t even know it.   The solution according to Bill Wilson,  “humility as the avenue  of to true freedom

of the human spirit,  BW 12 and 12 p.73.”    “It was only at the end of a long road, marked by successive defeats and humiliations, and the final crushing of our self-sufficiency, that we began to feel humility as something more than a condition of groveling despair but to be desired and the door to true liberation of the spirit. p 72. words in italics mine.”  

No coincidence we read this chapter today in an AA meeting.  I have not known how to not fear the future but now I am learning, self-sufficiency has to be crushed.    I won’t do this perfectly but the door to a sweet, sweet liberation has been opened and it is starting to be that in the place of worry about the future, what is wrong with me, is the knowledge that my resources are insufficient, the belief that kept me alive,  the necessity to lean on myself when there was no one else to lean on,  save for people who loved me along the way, has to go and it is those people I thank today and am grateful for who taught me I am worth loving.  It is ok to ask for help.  There are real people who when you need them are and will be there.   And a growing serenity and awareness that for me, as I told a friend the other day, that my comfort for me and others is that I can pray and when I do,  now believe,  that he cares and he will answer, that he wants it to be natural for me to ask for his help for me and others, and that reality the reality of life is dependence on him and other people that without his strength I am nothing.  That is my truth anyway.    I don’t think any of us are the source of our own provision even though we live in a world that has tricked us into believing that, a lie so ingrained in my psyche for me that only running into walls over and over again is proving the fallacy of.  Grateful to be more free today than ever before.

Shalom ya’ll

Salvador

Love

It is our affections and desires good or bad that move us to act.   Inspired by Jonathan Edwards in Religious Affections

“Love often times knows no measure, but is fervent beyond all measure.  Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of labors, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse of impossibility; for it thinks all things possible for itself and all things lawful.   It is therefore strong for all things, and it completes many things, and brings them to effect, where he who does not love faints and lies down.   Love is watchful and sleeping slumbers not.  Though wearied it is not tired; though pressed it is not straitened; though alarmed, it is not confounded;  but as a lively flame and burning torch, it forces its way upward and securely passes through all.  If any person love, he knows what is the cry of this voice.  For it is a loud cry in the ears of God, that ardent affection of the soul, when it says: “My God, object of my love, thou art all mine, and I am all thine.”  Thomas a Kempis

It is Love that holds everything together I believe.

the place

I went to the place where I can feel his presence today and that helped.  Amazing to be able to say that, the place where I feel his presence, but I believe it to be true.   I remember talking to my friend one time and him saying Mark, I think you are tired.   What a revelation….  I think I have been really tired lately and I need to go back to resting.   I heard today, Mark you know what to do.   I do know what to do.   Seek peace and pursue it.    That is my answer.  I find it in meetings, walking outside, sitting down, in the special place.   I love to brain fuck all this and make it complicated, but it is not too complicated.   Listening resting, whatever you want to call it I have been there and I am capable of going back.  That needs to be my priority, thats what it is it needs to be my priority, seeking the kingdom first, whatever you want to call it, and the rest falls into place.   I think I have more of a chance now, now that my will has gone through some needed suffering.   The eye of the hurricane, getting centered, waiting, all means the same thing to me.   And in the eye the hurricane does not seem so terrible.   I’m ok and i am going to be ok, no cliche for me, it is a very powerful voice that can say that to me, the voice of the one who owns the cattle on a thousand hills.  The higgs boson in the higgs boson that holds everthing together with his love song.   The song I am still learning to hear that a part of me craves in other places still that do not sing it.   The song of the king that if I keep listening will keep me out of the forest of the hopenots. I can’t beat myself up.   After all this time I am still learning.   But what I am learning is priceless to me, the one I am getting to know better is my pearl of great price.   We will be like him for we will see him as he is.   That’s in the future, so I cannot expect myself to have arrived right.   We WILL be like him and we WILL see him as he is.   That is also a promise of a sure hope a hope that I believe I share with all of humanity that longing for peace, connection, love and joy.   It is what we all have to look forward to, I believe.

Shalom ya’ll

Salvador

good stuff

Don’t know about you but I am not always able to interpret my heart.  Like why has it been so weighed down?   Been sick, yada yada yada but I am pretty sure now it has to do with the revelation not too long ago that my ex is narcissistic.   So therefore I have lived with narcissists my whole life.   Read a book on the subject recently and cried really hard.   That may have been my conformation can’t remember actually.   But it is really good to know if you know what I mean.   With a good counselor, this weight has an end date and I know what it is and what to do about.  I rarely have that kind of clarity.   Hope this guy knows what he’s doing, gaslighting cognitive dissonace this guy needs to know what those things are.  I will ask of course.   Saw him once and he did pretty good.   Asked a lot of questions to start getting the lay of my land like I would have done.  But I need to trust someone too and I have more of a problem with that than I thought.   Need to trust the beautiful universe too that healing is imminent for me as my spirit says that it is.   What an amazing feeling!   Really amazing.    As a therapist I  would help people heal and think when is it going to be my turn.  Knock on wood, I think my turn as arrived.   What will I be like afterwards, not sure but it will be good I am sure of that.   And to remind myself that this process has already started, taking care of myself along the way, letting people care about me, being ok that I really care about others and not pathologizing that, hearing someone criticize one of my current relationships and then being able to say to myself, it is a really good relationship and no matter how long it lasts I will be a better person for it and hopefully she will too, thanks to understanding cognitive dissonance, starting to hear the inner critic and being able to start to say to him, you are full of shit and really believing that and not letting him keep me confused, knowing that these strong reactions do not mean I am screwed up but are very very normal after the hell I have been through and that any normal person would have reacted the way I did to constant devaluing, giving myself a break regarding the things I have done to check out for a while just to cope with….whatever that was.    So onward and upward:)

Shalom,

ya’ll

I had this dream

I had this dream last night.  I was at the grocery store and I had got some rewards I was going to cash in.  So I went up to the counter and the lady said here’s how to get your rewards and you are gorgeous btw.   I walked away smiling.   The other day I saw an eagle fly right over my head while I was thinking about getting counseling and getting free from how I have been abused by narcissists.

Today I was in a meeting where we were talking about family members and this guy shared how he has gotten free from the desire to drink and it has been over four years since he had a drink.

What is all this?    The other day I was reading about narcissistic abuse and went on facebook and read something about prayer and asked my hp to take away the depression fatigue and right after I cried really really hard and felt some release.

Yesterday I had a terrible work experience but today I am ok.   I will just go to work tomorrow and I don’t think that I will be worried about it although I have a hard time with people right now.

I honestly believe that what is so beautiful about me right now is that my hp is setting me free.   Maybe I will start feeling like he is my home his love through his presence and other people in my life.    I felt the care for others in that meeting today.  People just saying where they were and other people respecting what they had to say.

So it looks like freedom is on the way.   Freedom from worry and feeling like it is all up to me.  It can’t be all up to me.  I am really hoping that when I really feel better and have more energy I won’t go back to it is all up to me to get jobs and money and all that shit.   I don’t think there is any peace in that.   I think I get the peace I do get from my hp and if I go back to it is all up to me it won’t work.

Grateful today for this now and not yet freedom.   Freedom to love and be loved.   I think that is what it boils down to for me.   There is no real love in narcissism not real love.  But I have known real love from hp and from others going all the way back to my childhood.   I thought I didn’t know what it felt like but I think I do.  I know the feeling of another’s presence that is hard to describe.   Too wonderful to describe yet ordinary and subtle at the same time, to have times when everything is ok and when it doesn’t feel like it is I would like to start thinking that he will come back and it will feel like that again.

Shalom,

ya’ll

ya’ll

Ya’ll yesterday I was working in a subdivision and a bald eagle flew right over my head at the exact same time I was wondering what to do about my distress.  Right, it was the promise of freedom.  Today I worked with this guy named Rufus and we agreed that we would work together for a while.  I was telling him about all my worries and he said something about god that I can’t remember.  I remember saying that my daddy owns the cattle on a thousand hills, I just wish I could trust him more.  This evening I am calmer.  Not too worried about will I sprain my ankle carrying heavy doors and stuff over big construction rocks.  Ok that I work construction right now.  Ok that there is a woman I care about who is more sick now than ever.  Just really ok with that.

I said to him, where have you been love?  Of course I didn’t get an answer.  In a meeting the other day a young woman met her higher power when she was outside looking at a lightening bug.  This calm came over her.  That to me is the powerful calm that holds everything together.  I heard a number of stories in the same meeting of things happening like that.  Of a someone orchestrating events in their lives that they could not explain.  I am about ready to give up trying to figure out and understand and just accept.  Accept that I care for her.  Accept that for me anyway this person is not ready to come down and make everything right even though that is what I want and I think that that is what I am supposed to want that he delays for some reason maybe until more people want a higher power and are willing to say, uncle.   I can’t carry the weight of the world around on my shoulders any more.  It is just too much.  Shit isn’t going to happen when I want it to, but when and if it is supposed to.  And that the present is not a bad place to be really sitting here with shit all over my floor.  Everything I own in this room because what I own really doesn’t matter to me all that much and it never has mattered all that much.  And right now I know some beautiful people.  An older man in a truck speaking words of life to me today.   Someone who finally just lets me love them and doesn’t run away, doesn’t ask a lot of stupid questions, goes through hell and doesn’t complain.  People in meetings talking about the miracle of staying sober.  Some who don’t have any angle.  They just want to help the next sick and suffering alcoholic.   Right here in this room where right now everything is as it should be.

I had a dream

I had a dream.  I was the vice admiral of a battle ship.   There was another battle ship and they were having problems and somehow I knew it was because they were being lazy, like sleeping in and stuff.   The people on my ship wanted to help theirs and I said no,  Iwe could go to war any minute.

So I told my sponsor and he said that you are not very compassionate towards yourself.   Dreams are all about you.   So I think he had a good point.

Also, I think it is about my ego.  I didn’t think I had a big ego but there is a lot of ego there right.   Lately I have been afraid because I am sick and my anxious thoughts are, its all up to me.  I can’t be sick, if I am sick then I won’t work and I will go broke and be homeless.  It is all up to me.  I have trouble believing that my higher power cares about me and that others do too.   Maybe the message here is it is ok to take care of myself because my higher power is in control, not me and as my sponsor says, his plan is not to shit on me.   He cares for me the way a good parent cares for their children.

I have had a hard time because I was homeless 5 times and may have some PTSD so something like this happens and I panic.   The truth is I am feeling better and should be able to go to work tomorrow.  And I want to believe that my higher power cares.   Circumstances are forcing me to believe that because if I don’t then the alternative is relying completely and totally on myself and that is not working.  I have to let my higher power in and let others in and I am starting to do that.   Even when they are not perfect.  I got mad at my sponsor because he said, if you don’t care for yourself then all you can do is care take other people.  I am not void of care for myself.  Otherwise the hell I have gone through would have killed me.   I stood up for myself when my ex wanted to take way legal custody of my daughter from me.  It was hard but I did it.  And I have certainly cared for others.  My love for others cannot be discounted as pathological care taking.

It seems to me that I have to trust my higher power’s love and care for me more.  I think that that is the issue.  Otherwise it is all up to me and to let others in and let them care for me as well as my higher power cares for me through other people as imperfect as it is he is still loving me in and through them.

I want to say the hell with AA sometimes but they are just regular people right!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I don’t need to judge them and I think I do sometimes.  Everyone in AA, I think anyway, wants me to stay sober and that needs to be good enough for me.

here’s what helps me

I listen.   Its like in the book Moby Dick.  The harpooner is the one who is listening.   While all the others are going crazy getting the ship in the exact right place, the harpooner is still, waiting for the perfect shot.

It is sometimes listening to words but most of the time not, just attending to a presence that is sometimes felt and sometimes not.  But I can enter into the calm of this room while I am writing or enter into the stillness of the outdoors especially when there is no sound or wind in the trees or if one of the trees is still.

Sometimes when it is felt I get a real break from all the questions, worries and concerns, what is wrong with me?  Does she like me or think I am a moron?   When I am there I know who I belong to and who belongs to me, who I possess and who possesses me.   It is the sense of someone’s presence but not another person’s presence I have felt before, like the presence of an alien or something.  Words for it are abiding, listening, contemplation, peace, joy, love, wonderful.  There may be a million words for it and sometimes there aren’t any words for it.  I think the best words are like:  beautiful, adorable, the object of my deepest and strongest desire, love language and intimacy are the best words because I am with my lover and he is with me although I can feel my intensity more than his, his seems more settled or something, ever subtle but real none the less.

Trouble and distress make it hard to listen.  I wish that were not the case but it is.  It is hard to settle down in trouble and fear, but it always comes back.  And even in the trouble and the fear the sun is shining behind the bleak dark clouds.  If anything I am able to endure it and sometimes the fears are not realized.   There is always stillness after the storm.

 

 

 

 

 

the warrior is a child

Lately I’ve been winning
Battles left and right
But even winners can get
Wounded in the fight
People say that I’m amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don’t see inside of me
I’m hiding all the tears
They don’t know that
I go running home when I fall down
They don’t know Who picks me
Up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
‘Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child
Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I’m amazing
Never face retreat
But they don’t see the enemies
That lay me at His feet
They don’t know that I go
Running home when I fall down
They don’t know Who picks me
Up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
‘Cause deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child.    by Twila Paris