People have told me I have it. Maybe I have but what they have seen is also what I did to survive. Not sure how to articulate that any better. I am getting a lesson though in liberation on this July 4th, that humility is the door to true true true liberation, liberation to the bondage of self. I have run into walls, no career job, not seeing my kids, what if my kids are messed up? What if I am messed up? The driving force? Ego driven fear. The only way for these things to happen is for me to make them happen. That has been my modus opperandi and I didn’t even know it. The solution according to Bill Wilson, “humility as the avenue of to true freedom
of the human spirit, BW 12 and 12 p.73.” “It was only at the end of a long road, marked by successive defeats and humiliations, and the final crushing of our self-sufficiency, that we began to feel humility as something more than a condition of groveling despair but to be desired and the door to true liberation of the spirit. p 72. words in italics mine.”
No coincidence we read this chapter today in an AA meeting. I have not known how to not fear the future but now I am learning, self-sufficiency has to be crushed. I won’t do this perfectly but the door to a sweet, sweet liberation has been opened and it is starting to be that in the place of worry about the future, what is wrong with me, is the knowledge that my resources are insufficient, the belief that kept me alive, the necessity to lean on myself when there was no one else to lean on, save for people who loved me along the way, has to go and it is those people I thank today and am grateful for who taught me I am worth loving. It is ok to ask for help. There are real people who when you need them are and will be there. And a growing serenity and awareness that for me, as I told a friend the other day, that my comfort for me and others is that I can pray and when I do, now believe, that he cares and he will answer, that he wants it to be natural for me to ask for his help for me and others, and that reality the reality of life is dependence on him and other people that without his strength I am nothing. That is my truth anyway. I don’t think any of us are the source of our own provision even though we live in a world that has tricked us into believing that, a lie so ingrained in my psyche for me that only running into walls over and over again is proving the fallacy of. Grateful to be more free today than ever before.