when I feel like I have lost my way

I remember when being trained as a counselor they said, whenever you feel like you have lost your way go back to listening.  That is the foundation.  Listening, reflectively listening to the person.  What are they saying?  How do they feel?  What does what they are saying mean to them?  Go back to that and you will find your way again.

Sometimes in life I feel like I am lost.  I thought I would be doing this and I am doing that?  And worrying about myself.  Man I hate that.  Worrying at work and all that stuff.

I am thinking for me that love is for life what reflective listening is for counseling.  What is one thing you can do where you can’t go wrong.  I remember as a pastor there would be something I needed to say to someone or do.  Some approach I needed to take, maybe something hard but truthful I needed to say and I would start to get afraid of their reaction.  I would just say to myself, this comes from love.  Let your love win over your fear.  Don’t worry about what they may say or do to try to hurt you.  And I did get hurt bad one time.   This is no guarantee that you won’t get hurt but it is all I can think of.

I have fear in their but I also have much compassion, much compassion and that can win over fear if I let it.  If I start work with, my job is to love these people, my bosses, my co-workers, even and especially the ones who are harsh and even bully me.  Yeah, I have been in this frickin job a little over a month and that has happened already.  And especially loving the members.   When I started this job I asked the interviewer what motivates you about your job.   She said I am not as much in contact with the members as before, but helping them is what motivates me.  So pretty much on that alone I took the job.   And maybe that is how I find my way when I feel lost.  My fucking truck broke down a month and a half ago and my medicine still isn’t right.   Well, my job is still to love, and I can do that with a messed up truck and not quite right medicine.

Shalom ya’ll,

Salvador

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ya’ll

Ya’ll yesterday I was working in a subdivision and a bald eagle flew right over my head at the exact same time I was wondering what to do about my distress.  Right, it was the promise of freedom.  Today I worked with this guy named Rufus and we agreed that we would work together for a while.  I was telling him about all my worries and he said something about god that I can’t remember.  I remember saying that my daddy owns the cattle on a thousand hills, I just wish I could trust him more.  This evening I am calmer.  Not too worried about will I sprain my ankle carrying heavy doors and stuff over big construction rocks.  Ok that I work construction right now.  Ok that there is a woman I care about who is more sick now than ever.  Just really ok with that.

I said to him, where have you been love?  Of course I didn’t get an answer.  In a meeting the other day a young woman met her higher power when she was outside looking at a lightening bug.  This calm came over her.  That to me is the powerful calm that holds everything together.  I heard a number of stories in the same meeting of things happening like that.  Of a someone orchestrating events in their lives that they could not explain.  I am about ready to give up trying to figure out and understand and just accept.  Accept that I care for her.  Accept that for me anyway this person is not ready to come down and make everything right even though that is what I want and I think that that is what I am supposed to want that he delays for some reason maybe until more people want a higher power and are willing to say, uncle.   I can’t carry the weight of the world around on my shoulders any more.  It is just too much.  Shit isn’t going to happen when I want it to, but when and if it is supposed to.  And that the present is not a bad place to be really sitting here with shit all over my floor.  Everything I own in this room because what I own really doesn’t matter to me all that much and it never has mattered all that much.  And right now I know some beautiful people.  An older man in a truck speaking words of life to me today.   Someone who finally just lets me love them and doesn’t run away, doesn’t ask a lot of stupid questions, goes through hell and doesn’t complain.  People in meetings talking about the miracle of staying sober.  Some who don’t have any angle.  They just want to help the next sick and suffering alcoholic.   Right here in this room where right now everything is as it should be.

compassion

Its what the sick people in our lives need.

So its not about us, in a good way.

Its about what someone else did to them.

And that is why they do what they do to us.

So its not about us, in a good way.

It puts the focus on them.

And heals the hate and shame and guilt we feel.

Its really the way to love ourselves

in the best possible way.

Its care for us, when we are caring for them.

no losers here……..