good stuff

Don’t know about you but I am not always able to interpret my heart.  Like why has it been so weighed down?   Been sick, yada yada yada but I am pretty sure now it has to do with the revelation not too long ago that my ex is narcissistic.   So therefore I have lived with narcissists my whole life.   Read a book on the subject recently and cried really hard.   That may have been my conformation can’t remember actually.   But it is really good to know if you know what I mean.   With a good counselor, this weight has an end date and I know what it is and what to do about.  I rarely have that kind of clarity.   Hope this guy knows what he’s doing, gaslighting cognitive dissonace this guy needs to know what those things are.  I will ask of course.   Saw him once and he did pretty good.   Asked a lot of questions to start getting the lay of my land like I would have done.  But I need to trust someone too and I have more of a problem with that than I thought.   Need to trust the beautiful universe too that healing is imminent for me as my spirit says that it is.   What an amazing feeling!   Really amazing.    As a therapist I  would help people heal and think when is it going to be my turn.  Knock on wood, I think my turn as arrived.   What will I be like afterwards, not sure but it will be good I am sure of that.   And to remind myself that this process has already started, taking care of myself along the way, letting people care about me, being ok that I really care about others and not pathologizing that, hearing someone criticize one of my current relationships and then being able to say to myself, it is a really good relationship and no matter how long it lasts I will be a better person for it and hopefully she will too, thanks to understanding cognitive dissonance, starting to hear the inner critic and being able to start to say to him, you are full of shit and really believing that and not letting him keep me confused, knowing that these strong reactions do not mean I am screwed up but are very very normal after the hell I have been through and that any normal person would have reacted the way I did to constant devaluing, giving myself a break regarding the things I have done to check out for a while just to cope with….whatever that was.    So onward and upward:)

Shalom,

ya’ll

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and the goodness goes on

and the goodness goes on

while the evil maims kills and destroys

lies cheats and steals

manipulates controls

shames and blames

and the goodness goes on

they doing what they do

not knowing why or how

doing it to us

thinking it is all our fault

and so do we

and if we are lucky we find out

its not its not its not, none of it

nor is it theirs

and the goodness goes on

we take our swords and sing

while we slay the evil in the narcissists

not knowing why or how

until we do.

then emboldened

with fire in our eyes and our bellies

we continue to wage war

and will continue

until the goodness is complete

using our weapons of love

that gift from Harry’s mother

and the goodness goes on

compassion

Its what the sick people in our lives need.

So its not about us, in a good way.

Its about what someone else did to them.

And that is why they do what they do to us.

So its not about us, in a good way.

It puts the focus on them.

And heals the hate and shame and guilt we feel.

Its really the way to love ourselves

in the best possible way.

Its care for us, when we are caring for them.

no losers here……..

where are all the healthy people?

where are they?  I am just asking.  I have worked with a lot of adults who don’t act very mature.  So am I saying I am?  I don’t know.  This is my blog ok……………….I am just saying when i was in the counseling clinic I was surrounded by a lot of people who knew something about it and were helping other people get more healthy.  Since that time I have never been in an environment like that again and I miss it.  I miss being around people who know something about what healthy means and are helping people do that.  It is possible ya know to tell someone how you feel without hurting them…to say I am angry with you instead of venting it on that person and hurting them… it is possible..it is possible to go to the person who bothers you instead of triangling with another person because i/ you don’t want to talk to the person who bothers you.  It is possible to be honest with a person and say, this job is not for you, verses forcing them out of the job by making them miserable….it is possible i think that relationships aren’t hard work all the time because you actually enjoy the person and most of the time your interactions are positive with each other.  you know the 5 to 1 rule.  In a healthy relationship there should be five positive interactions for every one negative.  so healthy doesn’t mean perfect it just means that most of the time things are positive.  It is possible that two people enjoy each other most of the time instead of drifting apart because they are busy with their life and the kids and low and behold they have not gone out on a date in 5 years and now they don’t like each other and they fight all the time or there is just nothing and they don’t talk anymore.   It is possible to be solution not problem oriented and when there is a problem people aren’t pointing fingers or playing the blame game, they just say..ok how are we going to solve this….it is possible that you are not the problem nor am I but the problems is over there and we will both decided together how to solve it.  It is possible that finances is our problem and we can work together to figure out how to solve it.   It is possible that the problem with most couples is the way they interaction WITH EACH OTHER, verses one or the other person being the problem in the relationship.  last time I checked it always takes two to tango.    It is possible that my addiction isn’t about you and what I am doing to you but this problem that I have.  It is possible that two strong people are there to know each other and meet each others needs because that is what makes them happy.   It is possible that power is not to get others to do what you want them to do but to empower and serve other people with.   It is possible that what makes me most happy is helping others whether I get something out of it or not!   All of this and more is possible I believe…It is possible to let go of your will to punish another person and forgive…..just saying all this is possible I believe….It is possible that parents are not mad at their children but just give them the right consequences where the child changes their behavior.  It is possible that the greatest and most effective law that was ever written is the law of love….it is possible that everybody is beautiful and that their beauty is the most important thing about them, the most important thing, not what is wrong with them and that they are most helped when someone says…damn you are beautiful….let me tell you about it for a while….

 

i already have a daddy……

I think I figured out something….in recovery I have been having a problem with the way some people talk to me and if you ask them they would say the problem is him.  But I think the problem is that some of these folks talk to me like a child.  I already have a daddy.  They may say, but you are acting like a child.  Well to me that is not the point.  Any adult no matter how they are acting wants to be treated like an adult.  Transactional Analysis is the counseling theory that addresses this issue.  TA says we relate to each other as parent, adult and child and that problems occur when two adults are relating to each other in one of the other roles.  Most common is that an adult is relating to another adult in the parent/child role.  The adult doesn’t like it because they are an adult….make sense?  well it does to me.

lovin a person….

a nice song.  My little drinker was making it hard for me to love me…..ie., I was thinking I have a little drinker in there but I also have a little counselor in there who has helped a lot of people and then I thought hey I can start counseling me, like others I have said, I am hardest on myself and better to others, most others anyway…but what I didn’t know is that my little drinker was keeping me from doing that.  Like Brennen Manning, an author I love and has the most amazingly best things to say about god and how he feels about us, unconditional love, etc., but I bet if you asked him he would say that he was having trouble letting the truth set him free because of his drinker……..so now, hopefully, I will be able to say, take it easy man, you have been going through a lot, it’s ok, you’re ok, I will be a healing person for me now….wow man and maybe when I continue to say those things to others there will  be more of an authenticity and they will know, this guy can even do that for himself….

 

 

thoughts that make you go, hmmmm

“so often times it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key”   I like the song  but that has not been my experience.   Something happened to me to enslave me and I needed some help to get free.   That is how it works with things like shame for me anyway.  Part of healing from shame is realizing that it was not yours to begin with.   People shame others in such a personal way that the shamed believe that it is their shame.   How could it not be, right.  A child is not capable of saying to themselves, my parents are narcissistic morons. They just accept  mom and dads view of them.  This necessitates some experiential and high powered interventions.  That’s why for big shit like this standing in front of the mirror (cognitive restructuring) won’t do.   Sure I can stand in front of the mirror now and say stuff but the spell had to be broken first.    So much wounding comes from experiences, right.    Somebody treats us a certain way says things to us.  It is very experiential and requires an experience imho to set us free.  That is why for me healing of memories needs to be experiential the memory has to be transformed some  how through emdr, inner healing prayer, which is what I have done with poeple and for me speaking to a spirit, my hp, to heal my spirit.   Our spirit/soul whatever you call it was wounded.   Whether they know it or not counselors/therapists are soul healers and it helps to know it.   Grace I believe is necessary to put the balm of healing on soul wounds.   It has finally been my turn gracias mon dieu.   I have been a wounded healer and will continue to be maybe not a more healed wounded healer, with the joyous task of continuing to help set others free.   It was for freedom that we were made I believe.   freedom, grace, wholeness, joy, peace and yes to suffer but at least meaningfully.   Damn I have been heavy lately.   Time to do something funny……..Maybe someone will read this and have hope.   Why all the years and years of slavery half the time not even aware of what you are enslaved to much less how to get free.   Idk, I swear I don’t but there is hope, or if you don’t have any ask someone to hold out hope for you.   Say, I need someone to believe that things can be better for me until I can believe it…..or maybe the universe can do that for you and if you are getting free don’t stop.    I plan on continuing to run toward my goal shedding more and more and more and more and more………….

Having said all that I know of at least one person with a real screwed up childhood who found his Juliet and decided to start helping other people and he is doing well..pretty cool huh?

shalom yall.

 

 

turning point

it seems that I have reached a turning point in my recovery.   basically it is that drinking doesn’t work for me anymore, that realization, my sponsor (who I fired) because I have been through too much shit to take what I consider to be shtit off of people, but anyway, he said ask people about their first step experience, one woman said, it just stopped working for me, and I realized that it had for me too and I was still trying to drink thinking that I would just have a little fun, right……it was instructive for me that everyone I asked had a different experience, hello, no surprise right, right

It especially doesn’t work because of the work I have done in therapy.   Feeling bad about things is no longer ego-syntonic for me.  I don’t like feeling bad about myself now because healing has happened for me, healing from some of the shitty  past.    When I decide not to drink because I don’t want to feel bad it affirms that the work we did is sticking.   Man I am so so grateful…my heart has lots of gratitude in it more than before and I need to remember that when I think about how much money I make and all that shit.    I was so used to feeling bad that I was afraid to feel good….and happy although distance, literal distance from toxic people in my life has REALLY HELPED BIG TIME.

“why are we so hard on ourselves?”

I asked a friend of mine that the other day and she said, because we have had people in our lives who are hard on themselves and they choose to treat other people like dirt, makes them feel better in some sick kind of way.  It has been easy for me to think of myself as less than or in some cases more than others.  Much harder but I think much truer to say we are equal.  The fool said one time, if someone strikes you on your left cheek, turn to him your right.  I the middle eastern culture of the day, when you turned your right cheek to someone like that you are saying to him, you may have the upper hand right now, but I AM YOUR EQUAL!!!!!!!!!!!    Interesting, huh?  How much more profitable and way more effective to do life thinking truly but soberly well of yourself, then you are much more inclined to do positive things for yourself and others.    This is not easily especially if you have been traumatized by others, that trauma in many cases needs to be healed with the help of a damn good counselor, at least in my case that has what has happened lately and man I will tell ya, what a difference it makes…..truly….

“since dark is what brings out your light” Robert Frost

my darkness/character defects and other shit I don’t like about myself:   adhd, depression, worrier, i say stupid shit to people, unorganized.

my light:   have a good personality, handsome (I know I have not posted a picture but I def. have a good body self image.  Oma gets the credit for that for calling me good looking when I was a kid, and someone told me I looked good today.   So did she but I forgot to say it.  What a moron…oh yeah, i forgot to add above….hard on myself….

This is a little exercise I am doing, I thought I would have a million things in the dark category and one or two in the light….not working out that way….I think for the most part I have a pretty good self-image, which is probably a miracle given all the negative shit and people I have been through and had to be married to and to deal with….oh yeah.  I resent my soon to be ex.I need to give up my will to punish her and I punish her by resenting her.   To me that is the essence of forgiveness…giving up the will to punish…more on that later.

I forgot that the song/poem says since dark is what BRINGS OUT your light.   When i sing it in my head i hear since dark is what puts out your light.   What it really says is pretty good shit isn’t it….It sounds like hope to me.   How does my darkness bring out my light…..too tired right now to give a really good answer, but I think about therapy and how you go back and heal a person’s traumatic memory and it frees them to live that way they want to live in the present.   More on that later too but that is a great example of the light extinguishing someone’s darkness allowing them to live/walk more in the light.  I really have LOVED being a therapist and have done a lot of good for people, but for a number of reasons I am thinking about selling cars now.  It just fascinates me, from what I hear that if you are a caring person, able to listen, get rapport and build people’s trust that you can sell a shit load of cars.  That is what I have been told by a number of car sales recruiters and I don’t think that they are bsing me either.  And they are saying that that has always been the way to sell cars.   Not that I believe it you know………………..as I have said above but…………that is is the gospel of Jesus right….love others, think of others before yourself….these guys were quoting the bible and stuff about selling car.   One of my beefs with the church is that it is pretty damn irrelevant to most people’s lives.   I think Jesus was relevant just his followers have fucked things up and I am in good company thinking this way, just read about Deitrick Bonhoffer  ?sp.  He died in a concentration camp since he was involved in a plot to assascinate Hitler.   He lived a relevant life and what could be more relevant then applying the good news to selling cars or selling anything else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     That is really what fascinates me about this approach and I want to test it out and see if it works.  I really think it will and I need to be pretty damn successful since I am in a shit load of debt and want to retire sometime in a my life and marry a hot babe and take her to Europe………….:), and go to Romania or wherever the fuck it is happening and help free girls from human trafficking.   or continue to work to alleviate suffering in some way, since god, if he exists has decided to make up deal with all this shit for who knows how much longer…….As we say in recovery……….thanks for letting me share 🙂