good stuff

Don’t know about you but I am not always able to interpret my heart.  Like why has it been so weighed down?   Been sick, yada yada yada but I am pretty sure now it has to do with the revelation not too long ago that my ex is narcissistic.   So therefore I have lived with narcissists my whole life.   Read a book on the subject recently and cried really hard.   That may have been my conformation can’t remember actually.   But it is really good to know if you know what I mean.   With a good counselor, this weight has an end date and I know what it is and what to do about.  I rarely have that kind of clarity.   Hope this guy knows what he’s doing, gaslighting cognitive dissonace this guy needs to know what those things are.  I will ask of course.   Saw him once and he did pretty good.   Asked a lot of questions to start getting the lay of my land like I would have done.  But I need to trust someone too and I have more of a problem with that than I thought.   Need to trust the beautiful universe too that healing is imminent for me as my spirit says that it is.   What an amazing feeling!   Really amazing.    As a therapist I  would help people heal and think when is it going to be my turn.  Knock on wood, I think my turn as arrived.   What will I be like afterwards, not sure but it will be good I am sure of that.   And to remind myself that this process has already started, taking care of myself along the way, letting people care about me, being ok that I really care about others and not pathologizing that, hearing someone criticize one of my current relationships and then being able to say to myself, it is a really good relationship and no matter how long it lasts I will be a better person for it and hopefully she will too, thanks to understanding cognitive dissonance, starting to hear the inner critic and being able to start to say to him, you are full of shit and really believing that and not letting him keep me confused, knowing that these strong reactions do not mean I am screwed up but are very very normal after the hell I have been through and that any normal person would have reacted the way I did to constant devaluing, giving myself a break regarding the things I have done to check out for a while just to cope with….whatever that was.    So onward and upward:)

Shalom,

ya’ll

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ya’ll

Ya’ll yesterday I was working in a subdivision and a bald eagle flew right over my head at the exact same time I was wondering what to do about my distress.  Right, it was the promise of freedom.  Today I worked with this guy named Rufus and we agreed that we would work together for a while.  I was telling him about all my worries and he said something about god that I can’t remember.  I remember saying that my daddy owns the cattle on a thousand hills, I just wish I could trust him more.  This evening I am calmer.  Not too worried about will I sprain my ankle carrying heavy doors and stuff over big construction rocks.  Ok that I work construction right now.  Ok that there is a woman I care about who is more sick now than ever.  Just really ok with that.

I said to him, where have you been love?  Of course I didn’t get an answer.  In a meeting the other day a young woman met her higher power when she was outside looking at a lightening bug.  This calm came over her.  That to me is the powerful calm that holds everything together.  I heard a number of stories in the same meeting of things happening like that.  Of a someone orchestrating events in their lives that they could not explain.  I am about ready to give up trying to figure out and understand and just accept.  Accept that I care for her.  Accept that for me anyway this person is not ready to come down and make everything right even though that is what I want and I think that that is what I am supposed to want that he delays for some reason maybe until more people want a higher power and are willing to say, uncle.   I can’t carry the weight of the world around on my shoulders any more.  It is just too much.  Shit isn’t going to happen when I want it to, but when and if it is supposed to.  And that the present is not a bad place to be really sitting here with shit all over my floor.  Everything I own in this room because what I own really doesn’t matter to me all that much and it never has mattered all that much.  And right now I know some beautiful people.  An older man in a truck speaking words of life to me today.   Someone who finally just lets me love them and doesn’t run away, doesn’t ask a lot of stupid questions, goes through hell and doesn’t complain.  People in meetings talking about the miracle of staying sober.  Some who don’t have any angle.  They just want to help the next sick and suffering alcoholic.   Right here in this room where right now everything is as it should be.

a sad story: the destruction of Jerusalem in 70 AD

so when he was here they wanted to kick the Romans out of their country

to end the exile.

he said that because he was with them that meant that

He was with them

And the exile was already over.

That didn’t go over too well with them.

So they got rid of him.

Then in 70 AD they got what they wanted.

their war with the Romans.

The Romans engaged them in siege warfare.

And starved, slaughtered and burned the inhabitants of Jerusalem

to death.

 

1.1 million people killed

97,000 captured and enslaved according to Josephus

today

today I was:

overwhelmed

depressed

thinking I didn’t get the new job and I may not and angry and depressed

I asked for help, then…..

On the bus was on one  of my friends who has OCD, he reminded me of a speech I gave on Mental Health Awareness Day event I gave several months ago.  He said he saw it online.

He said he was grateful that he was not homeless anymore.

That helped.  I thought of the hymn:  all the way my savior leads me and how the author John White committed it to memory when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease.  “for I know what ere befalls me Jesus doeth all things well.”

I thought about how I believe that the secret of being content is believing/knowing?  that everything is from god’s hand.

that being homeless, starving, in an abusive relationship, whatever with my higher power is better than anything without him, that for me he is my raison d’etre and that is what I said during the above speech and that is what I believe and it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of that one way or another since the one I will possess and be consumed with for the rest of eternity is the one I possess right now and that I have tasted of his sweetness, his other worldly and ineffible sweetness that there is nothing in this world that compares, and that is what I will continue to do, that being in AA is helping me with this somehow, that I don’t think I will ever drink again and all of that makes me happy and satisfied right here sitting on my bed with no sheets on it and papers and crap scattered all around the room and none of my pictures on the wall because none of that matters right now and if I got here right now today, I can get here again, and I have been here before and this is just the goddammm beginning, just the goddmammnn beginning and if this is just the goddammnn beginning then what is next, holy shit what is next, and that is why no matter what, i can run, not walk or hide or be scared but run, run as fast and hard as I fuckin can toward the future because no matter what I have him to look forward to, more and more and more of him……more shit too and more good times too, right, more shit and good times but more of him…

 

 

“She has to do it for herself.”

She came to see me in the clinic with bulimia.  Her sister caught her not eating and told her to go to therapy.   I got rapport and we started working.  I asked her to go to OA, write down what she was eating and weigh herself every day.   She wasn’t doing it.  Talked to my supervisor.  He said she is over your head and my head.  And she has to do it for herself.  It’s not going to work for her to do it for her sister or anyone else.   She has to decide that she wants to get better and then when she does and goes to get help it will work.  I hadn’t been trained in eating disorders.   So I met with her and said here’s the deal.  I have given you some things to do and your not doing them.  You have a decision to make.  You need to decide that you want to do this for yourself.  And you haven’t done that yet.   And until you make that decision and do something about about it therapy is not going to work for you.   Talked to my sup. who said we need to refer you since I am not trained in eating disorders.   Here are some referral numbers.   Think about this and I hope you decide that YOU want to get better.”   That was hard because I didn’t know what was going to happen.   A couple months later I saw her and she looked better.  She didn’t have to tell me she did it because I knew just be looking at her.   She came up to me and said, thank you.  I went and got the help I needed and I am doing a lot better.   I was so proud and happy for her.  It’s hard to care about someone and cut them loose not know what is going to happen and usually I don’t know.  But this time I got to find out.  Whatever you need to do decide to do it for yourself and then do it.  I am going to quit smoking for myself, can’t afford and tired of being sick.

the courage to change the things i can

I wanted to drink recently and i just said to myself over and over.  the courage to change the things that I can.   I came out of a meeting recently thinking about that and no one talked about it but it was in my mind.    I think its cool to think that when I choose not to do something that I don’t want to do and for good reasons, I am being courageous.   It beats just saying to yourself/myself, man I would like to do that so what’s stopping me?    lol.   I swear any good reasons just fly right out the window.    But the courage thing worked for me this time.  I have been told that i have courage, not always wise though.  I have done some pretty courageously stupid things…spare you the details.  And I think I have more courage than I used to.  I would tell people combat isn’t for me I would just sit there and shit in my pants.  lol.   I swear.  Now its like, if there were any enemy in front of me and they were my enemy I would be aiming to kill as many of those bastards as I could.  And I don’t even know how that change occurred.    That is what I think anyway.   And courage does not mean, I don’t think, not having fear.   The prayer says, courage to change the things I can.   Change is an action not a feeling or a thought.   So to have the courage to take that action or non action as the case may be, no matter what you are thinking or feeling.   That’s the way I take it. So take courage and do what you need to do or don’t do.   And no matter how weak you feel and I do feel weak when I even think about not smoking, but no matter how you feel you are ACTING with courage.  Man I love that thought…..