good stuff

Don’t know about you but I am not always able to interpret my heart.  Like why has it been so weighed down?   Been sick, yada yada yada but I am pretty sure now it has to do with the revelation not too long ago that my ex is narcissistic.   So therefore I have lived with narcissists my whole life.   Read a book on the subject recently and cried really hard.   That may have been my conformation can’t remember actually.   But it is really good to know if you know what I mean.   With a good counselor, this weight has an end date and I know what it is and what to do about.  I rarely have that kind of clarity.   Hope this guy knows what he’s doing, gaslighting cognitive dissonace this guy needs to know what those things are.  I will ask of course.   Saw him once and he did pretty good.   Asked a lot of questions to start getting the lay of my land like I would have done.  But I need to trust someone too and I have more of a problem with that than I thought.   Need to trust the beautiful universe too that healing is imminent for me as my spirit says that it is.   What an amazing feeling!   Really amazing.    As a therapist I  would help people heal and think when is it going to be my turn.  Knock on wood, I think my turn as arrived.   What will I be like afterwards, not sure but it will be good I am sure of that.   And to remind myself that this process has already started, taking care of myself along the way, letting people care about me, being ok that I really care about others and not pathologizing that, hearing someone criticize one of my current relationships and then being able to say to myself, it is a really good relationship and no matter how long it lasts I will be a better person for it and hopefully she will too, thanks to understanding cognitive dissonance, starting to hear the inner critic and being able to start to say to him, you are full of shit and really believing that and not letting him keep me confused, knowing that these strong reactions do not mean I am screwed up but are very very normal after the hell I have been through and that any normal person would have reacted the way I did to constant devaluing, giving myself a break regarding the things I have done to check out for a while just to cope with….whatever that was.    So onward and upward:)




you gotta see it

Addictions like narcissists like to hide.

Although unlike addictions narcissists don’t know they are hiding

Its just what they do.

Its called denial right.

For me I didn’t want to admit I was an alcoholic until I believed for sure that it was true.

So hp helped me with that since that wasn’t possible for me to see on my own

And I think god/hp likes to hide.

Many many things like deism our own narcissism contributes to hp hiding

Mine even does it himself for whatever reason.

The trick in all this is to see it.

To see the hp, to see the narcissist to see the addiction.

And for that I have needed my hp

Just sayin…

And oh by the way if any of my ex’s family is reading this,

She’s a narcissist

Just saying……

and the goodness goes on

and the goodness goes on

while the evil maims kills and destroys

lies cheats and steals

manipulates controls

shames and blames

and the goodness goes on

they doing what they do

not knowing why or how

doing it to us

thinking it is all our fault

and so do we

and if we are lucky we find out

its not its not its not, none of it

nor is it theirs

and the goodness goes on

we take our swords and sing

while we slay the evil in the narcissists

not knowing why or how

until we do.

then emboldened

with fire in our eyes and our bellies

we continue to wage war

and will continue

until the goodness is complete

using our weapons of love

that gift from Harry’s mother

and the goodness goes on

what I didn’t know and what I do know.


What I didn’t know was that I am just as much a worshiper of myself and reason and knowledge as the next person.   Maybe more precisely I was trying to worship my higher power yet trusting in reason and knowledge.   Hard not to after humanity jerked god off the throne of the world during the Enlightenment and put himself and reason up there.  Afterwards we trusted what we knew, what we could prove to be true.   Our strategies and plans fueled by will power became god.   But I have been lucky.  I was made an alcoholic and was led to meetings where I was led to stop drinking, thus scrambling my brain all to hell and back!!!!!   For the first time I knew my mind was untrustworthy, filled with all these defenses against my problem..if I got close to the truth I just became confused.  I was told the smartest people have the most trouble accepting this.  Why?  because for us all of a sudden what we think we know cannot be trusted. wtf.  wtf.  What was going on in my head didn’t make sense.  That I was an alcoholic didn’t make sense.  My thoughts and feelings were screwed.  I was told things like no one can tell  you you are an alcoholic you have to discover that on your own.   And it seems like I had to come to that realization with no help whatsoever from any reasonable part of me.  That is the best I know how to say it.  Now I know that I am an alcoholic.    Before I didn’t and I don’t even know how I know.  I guess I heard enough people going through what I seemed to be going through or they went through it and the only label that fits with this experience is an alcoholic going through withdrawal and the only major thing I changed was to stop drinking long enough and to feel bat shit crazy and to hear other people who felt the same way because the thing they changed was to stop drinking.

There is a lot I don’t seem to know:  exactly how to do this thing called not checking out and sobriety, exactly how I feel about myself and exactly who I am, how to work the steps and what will happen when I do, what job I should take next iaf ny, what tomorrow will bring, when I will see my daughter next, how long I will live, will I marry again and a whole host of other things I don’t know.

But there is one thing I do know and I think this is the point and how I even know this and what it means and all the ramifications of it…I don’t know.  But, the person who wrote that hymn above, I know that feeling, I know something of what he feels because I feel it too.   I feel it when I read the words and hear it sung or played.   And that is the point.   This relational knowledge the yada kind of knowledge where adam knew eve and she conceived that is the saving and the most real knowledge for me.   What my highter power means to me and how I feel about him is more important, more real and substantial than what I know about him or anyone or anything else.   I worship a person and the grace has been that my head knowledge became completely and totally untrustworthy and worthless to me.   Hopefully, from here on out who I know will be more real and important that what I know.   I am glad I know some things, the people at work are glad that I do too, but how freeing it is to say that I don’t want to trust it anymore since it has been found to come up woefully lacking even when my life was depending on it .   Its freeing to say there is a lot I don’t know but that is ok because of whom I know and the only way to get to where I am going is to do thing things that I know I need to do. But I know how I feel for him and how I know he feels for me and for me right now and hopefully for all of the future that will be enough.




I am not bullshitting here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now that I got that out of my system……………..ever hear the word shalom.   It’s a cool word.  I need some shalom right now.  Know what I mean?  and that comes from the hp, the one I HAVE BEEN REALLY PISSED OFF AT LATELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!      Someone is speaking spanish behind me and I want to smack em…Can I please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!      lol, anyway back to shalom……….hebrew of course, peace is one word for it but here is my rendition.    Shalom is the quiet inside of yourself.   Yes you moronnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn………    Did I stutter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!      You just have to find it, it is in there.   For me it is usually not very far away.     As long as I feel the love I have for my hp, verses wishing he were dead.   He can’t die, so I guess wishing he were dead is not going to work too well.   So I am stuck with him and that is how I feel, love/hate?  idk, sorta like love and love and love and well hurt is more like it.    Yes, I had an energy drink 🙂  What about it.     See life is pretty overwhelming right now and I think I need my hp as much as I don’t want to.  Maybe that is it.   I don’t want to need anyone cause they can hurt me right…………that’s it.   but as someone said, “better to have a broken, wounded, crushed and rejected heart than a dead one.”   And, “the most spiritual person is the person most human.”  idk about the spiritual part but I feel very human right now like, wtf do I do now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!       know what I mean Vern.   And the good news is I don’t think this is bullshit.  Now, I don’t have a drinking problem…………….TOTAL AND COMPLETE BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    ok, I think I am a little better now.   So, how are you?   No really I mean it.  You could say, I want to kill my spouse and I would say, well I am pretty sure my ex tried that and almost succeeded or you could say just about anything and I would be able to relate…………I am very empathetic, so if you are a hot babe (not stuck on yourself), like to travel and want to help others…….hit me up…………… not really I better get a little less emotionally augmented first………..don’t you think!!!!!!!!!!   I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!    So how long does this take anyway??????????????   I want to get the show on the road…….oh this is the road………holy shit…………..    so this is why I need a hp right now and I have one  and some good and supportive people…………….but………i am a rock…..i am an Island……….with a hot babe on it…………..rrrrrrrrrrrrr