There are other words for this, solitude, contemplation.  For me the best way to describe it is feeling god’s presence.  I have read on the subject, not exhaustively but it seems conspicuous by its absence to me that it is never described this way by people like, Thomas a Kempis, Henri Nouwen, Richard Foster and others.   From what they say when they write that is what is happening for them from what I can tell but never put in those terms.   That was how it was described for me by someone way back in college and when I heard that it is possible to feel god’s presence I wanted to very much.

The scriptures are FULL though of talk about god’s presence.   Moses saying that he and the people might as well just stay where they are in the desert unless god’s presence goes with them.   That is how much it meant to Moses.    When I hear the phrase knowing god or know the lord that is what it means to me.   And it means legitimately a lot of other things to other people.  I do think that some get away with intellectualizing the scriptures when a real experiential relationship with god is described, where the dynamics of relationships with other people is a much better way of describing, in my opinion, what they are talking about than knowing stuff about god or the bible.   The evil one knows a lot about him, has seen him in his unveiled glory yet despises him, something I cannot imagine but I think that is true.


Anyway, that is the experience of silence from my point of view.




sometimes you need a pill

I hve struggled with several mental health issues over the years.  It hasn’t been easy.  Depression was labeled, treatment resistant, for a long time.  None of the medicines had any effect.  Well should I say positive.   Some made it worse and the side effects of some made it worse as well.  It didn’t help living with a narc either.   Anger that I was spending money trying to get help was her reaction instead of care.  After leaving her and continuing to try to get help something starting helping for that.

One time in the hospital a Psychiatrist said to me, “Salvador, your solution is spiritual.”  I said, “yes but sometimes the neurological has to work better in order for the spiritual too.”   Turns out we were both right.  I think my faith was getting me through and I had a measure of it then but things were getting in the way.

Nothing seemed to help for ADHD or anxiety either.   More recently I have renewed the attempt to get help with those two.  After loosing a job because of getting behind in paperwork I needed to do something.  The hallmark sign of GAD, generalized anxiety disorder, is worry.   Not garden variety worry.  I may have to kill myself because this is about to happen worry.  No matter what my brain will find something to worry about.  So I went to my doctor and tried two medicines I have tried before for those problems.  In the last few days there seems to be some change.  It may be too early to know for sure.  What I said to the doctor was true for me.  Anxiety was robbing of some of the serenity of my faith.  Writing this post is a good sign.  Not sure I would have done it before.  What if someone knows me?  What if my boss reads it?   What if, what if what if.  Fuck what if.   What if all those terrible things don’t happen.   What if that is closer to the truth than all that worry.  What if I can believe that better right now because I take a pill that works.  Editing this post before I send it is a good sign too  🙂  So I’m grateful this day for pills.


the kingdom that lasts forever

Daniel told about a kingdom that will last forever and will crush all the other kingdoms.  That kingdom is in this world right now I believe.   It is the kingdom of the little ego and the big soul.   The church has the teaching about the kingdom but not much power I believe.   As the church seems to be a breading ground right now for big egos.   I think the church lacks the ferocity to crush much of anything right now.   I may be wrong, but I see this kind of spiritual life in AA and NA and the other 12 step groups.   They know about the problem of the big ego and every day you can go to a meeting and hear people talk about the problem of their big ego and what they are doing about with the help of a higher power.   And I think this is a kingdom of love.   But the kind of love that is powerful enough to crush big egos and knows that things like suffering helps to grow big souls.   I may be wrong on that one too, since I don’t want more suffering for anybody including myself.   But Revelation talks about the tree of life when the new heaven and new earth are finally here.  Its leaves are for the healing of the nations.  Does that mean that complete healing happens in the after life?  Not sure.  Maybe.   I do think that that healing is available now at least in part as the kingdom that will last forever is here as well.   The kingdom of the little egos and big souls.  That is where the life is, I believe.  That is where the life is.

The unifying theme of the battle with narcissism in the scriptures.

Straight away God goes to battle with Adam and Eve casting them out of the garden, then at the tower of Babel.  Moses does battle with Pharoah when the people are set free from their slavery.   The prophets speak to narcissism when they address people’s pride and arrogance and idolatry.  Isaiah says that they fashion an idol in the form of a human and worship it.  King Ahaz  deals with his narcissism by making alliances with other nations instead of trusting God for his help pridefully refusing to ask God for a sign.   In contrast King Hezekiah turns to God by praying in the temple when he is threatened.    God uses the narcissism of Nebekenezer to discipline his people then judges the narcissism of Assyria.  The narcissim of Israel is swallowed up when they are taken off into exile by Assyria in 722 bc and the narcissism of Judah is swollowed up by the Babylonians in 586 bc when they are taken to exile by them and the narcissism of Babylon is then swollowed up by the Persians.

Jesus’ battle is truly a battle with narcissists.   As the legitimate Son of God he challenges the narcissism of the Emperor which results in the persecution of the church in later years.    By refusing to go along with the agenda of the religious leaders of the day he prophetically resists their narcissistic desire to take on the emperor and prophesies the fall of Israel as a result of the people’s arrogant narcissism.   The narcissism of the evil one conspires within the narcissist of the people involved and Jesus triumphs over this evil in his death and resurrection.   Paul in Corinthians advices his readers to not glorify any person including himself other than Christ and speaks  to his readers as those who are not the narcissists of society and his self deprecating way of speaking is a sign of his small ego in desiring to be filled completely in his union with Christ.  One can also understand the loss he refers to in Philippians three as the loss of his narcissism that frees him to know Christ.

When I began to see this I could see it in people I have known, know and even within


shalom ya’ll,


you gotta see it

Addictions like narcissists like to hide.

Although unlike addictions narcissists don’t know they are hiding

Its just what they do.

Its called denial right.

For me I didn’t want to admit I was an alcoholic until I believed for sure that it was true.

So hp helped me with that since that wasn’t possible for me to see on my own

And I think god/hp likes to hide.

Many many things like deism our own narcissism contributes to hp hiding

Mine even does it himself for whatever reason.

The trick in all this is to see it.

To see the hp, to see the narcissist to see the addiction.

And for that I have needed my hp

Just sayin…

And oh by the way if any of my ex’s family is reading this,

She’s a narcissist

Just saying……


for me its hard

smart people have a harder time doing it

for me it is in the quiet

believing that my higher power is the author of the stillness

to feel the goodness of the stillness

and to stop all the questions

or just let them be

others have an easier time

there is a god and i am not god and god knows what god is doing


i have to be like puddleglum

and come up with convoluted reasons to say

i believe in narnia

instead of just saying isn’t narnia wonderful

he doesn’t answer my questions though

he answers them with questions like..

where were you

and i think


but in the sacrament of this present moment

i can say

isn’t narnia wonderful

isn’t it sweet

isn’t its glory beyond all comprehension

beautiful ineffible narnia

who would rather die than live without me

i love you narnia

and can feel your affection for me

thank you thank you

je t’adore mon amour

Baruch atah et adonai le’ olam

Je t’adore mon amour le’ olam



credo: The Nicene Creed

This has been rolling around in my head lately.   It was a song we sang in college, well not all of it, well maybe all of it but I don’t remember the whole thing.  I pretty much believe all of it still……… some minor or major miracle…………  Constantine had some religious dudes come up with it.  Of course they had to do it just the way he wanted since there were soldiers  with swords standing behind each chair of the dudes that wrote it, several hundred dudes and their soldier dude behind each one.   So much for the spirit moving people……….:)  but I still believe it and and think that it is quite beautiful…….

Credo in unum Deum, Patrem omnipotentem, factorem caeli et terrae, visibilium omnium, et invisibilium. Et in unum Dominum Jesum Christum, Filium Dei unigenitum. Et ex Patre natum ante omnia saecula. Deum de Deo, Lumen de lumine, Deum verum de Deo vero. Genitum, non factum, consubstantialem Patri: per quem omnia facta sunt. Qui propter nos homines, et propter nostram salutem descendit de caelis. Et incarnatus est de Spiritu Sancto ex Maria Virgine: Et homo factus est. Crucifixus etiam pro nobis: sub Pontio Pilato passus, et sepultus est. Et resurrexit tertia die, secundum Scripturas. Et ascendit in caelum: sedet ad dexteram Patris. Et iterum venturus est cum gloria, judicare vivos et mortuos: cuius regni non erit finis. Et in Spiritum Sanctum, Dominum, et vivificantem: qui ex Patre Filioque procedit. Qui cum Patre et Filio simul adoratur, et conglorificatur: qui locutus est per Prophetas. Et unam sanctam catholicam et apostolicam Ecclesiam. Confiteor unum baptisma in remissionem peccatorum. Et exspecto resurrectionem mortuorum. Et vitam venturi saeculi. Amen.

I believe in one God, the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth, and of all things visible and invisible: And in one Lord Jesus Christ, the only-begotten Son of God, begotten of the Father before all ages; God of God, Light of Light, true God of true God; begotten, not made; consubstantial with the Father, by Whom all things were made: Who for us men, and for our salvation, came down from heaven, and was incarnate by the Holy Ghost of the Virgin Mary, and was made man. He was crucified also for us, suffered under Pontius Pilate, and was buried: And the third day He arose again, according to the Scriptures, and ascended into heaven. He sitteth at the right hand of the Father: and He shall come again with glory, to judge the living and the dead: and His kingdom shall have no end: And in the Holy Ghost, the Lord and Giver of life, Who proceedeth from the Father and the Son, Who, together with the Father and the Son, is adored and glorified: Who spoke by the prophets. And one, holy, catholic, and apostolic Church. I confess one baptism for the remission of sins. And I expect the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come. Amen.

getting through the heat to the light

a friend and I did that last night talking together and it was fun.   We started out not connecting with each other (the heat)  and ended up agreeing that what we were both looking for is a “faith that works.” (the light.)   This is a phrase from BW in the 12 and 12 and his description in step two of a faith that works is out of this world in my view and the best description of a faith that works that I have read anywhere in any literature!!!!!!!!   BW says:

In aa we saw the fruits of this belief:  men and women spared from alcohol’s final catastrophe.  We saw them meet and transcend their other pains and trials.  We saw them calmly accept impossible situations, seeking neither to run nor recriminate.  This was not only faith;  it was a faith that worked under all conditions.  We soon concluded that whatever price in humility we must pay, we would pay.”    p. 31 of the 12 x 12

In another place he talkes about how aaer’s held up in the stress of war during WW II.  On the whole they did awesome according to him.

How do you get through the heat to the light.   Just don’t give up trying to connect with one another I guess and listen to each other.



I can’t say this yet but maybe one day………

  1. All to Jesus I surrender;
    All to Him I freely give;
    I will ever love and trust Him,
    In His presence daily live.

    • Refrain:
      I surrender all,
      I surrender all;
      All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
      I surrender all.
  2. All to Jesus I surrender;
    Humbly at His feet I bow,
    Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
    Take me, Jesus, take me now.
  3. All to Jesus I surrender;
    Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
    Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
    Truly know that Thou art mine.
  4. All to Jesus I surrender;
    Lord, I give myself to Thee;
    Fill me with Thy love and power;
    Let Thy blessing fall on me.
  5. All to Jesus I surrender;
    Now I feel the sacred flame.
    Oh, the joy of full salvation!
    Glory, glory, to His Name!
Judson W. Van DeVenter

no comments please…….