People have told me I have it.  Maybe I have but what they have seen is also what I did to survive.  Not sure how to articulate that any better.  I am getting a lesson though in liberation on this July 4th, that humility is the door to true true true liberation, liberation to the bondage of self.   I have run into walls, no career job, not seeing my kids, what if my kids are messed up?   What if I am messed up?    The driving force?   Ego driven fear. The only way for these things to happen is for me to make them happen.   That has been my modus opperandi and I didn’t even know it.   The solution according to Bill Wilson,  “humility as the avenue  of to true freedom

of the human spirit,  BW 12 and 12 p.73.”    “It was only at the end of a long road, marked by successive defeats and humiliations, and the final crushing of our self-sufficiency, that we began to feel humility as something more than a condition of groveling despair but to be desired and the door to true liberation of the spirit. p 72. words in italics mine.”  

No coincidence we read this chapter today in an AA meeting.  I have not known how to not fear the future but now I am learning, self-sufficiency has to be crushed.    I won’t do this perfectly but the door to a sweet, sweet liberation has been opened and it is starting to be that in the place of worry about the future, what is wrong with me, is the knowledge that my resources are insufficient, the belief that kept me alive,  the necessity to lean on myself when there was no one else to lean on,  save for people who loved me along the way, has to go and it is those people I thank today and am grateful for who taught me I am worth loving.  It is ok to ask for help.  There are real people who when you need them are and will be there.   And a growing serenity and awareness that for me, as I told a friend the other day, that my comfort for me and others is that I can pray and when I do,  now believe,  that he cares and he will answer, that he wants it to be natural for me to ask for his help for me and others, and that reality the reality of life is dependence on him and other people that without his strength I am nothing.  That is my truth anyway.    I don’t think any of us are the source of our own provision even though we live in a world that has tricked us into believing that, a lie so ingrained in my psyche for me that only running into walls over and over again is proving the fallacy of.  Grateful to be more free today than ever before.

Shalom ya’ll



thoughts that make you go, hmmmm

“so often times it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key”   I like the song  but that has not been my experience.   Something happened to me to enslave me and I needed some help to get free.   That is how it works with things like shame for me anyway.  Part of healing from shame is realizing that it was not yours to begin with.   People shame others in such a personal way that the shamed believe that it is their shame.   How could it not be, right.  A child is not capable of saying to themselves, my parents are narcissistic morons. They just accept  mom and dads view of them.  This necessitates some experiential and high powered interventions.  That’s why for big shit like this standing in front of the mirror (cognitive restructuring) won’t do.   Sure I can stand in front of the mirror now and say stuff but the spell had to be broken first.    So much wounding comes from experiences, right.    Somebody treats us a certain way says things to us.  It is very experiential and requires an experience imho to set us free.  That is why for me healing of memories needs to be experiential the memory has to be transformed some  how through emdr, inner healing prayer, which is what I have done with poeple and for me speaking to a spirit, my hp, to heal my spirit.   Our spirit/soul whatever you call it was wounded.   Whether they know it or not counselors/therapists are soul healers and it helps to know it.   Grace I believe is necessary to put the balm of healing on soul wounds.   It has finally been my turn gracias mon dieu.   I have been a wounded healer and will continue to be maybe not a more healed wounded healer, with the joyous task of continuing to help set others free.   It was for freedom that we were made I believe.   freedom, grace, wholeness, joy, peace and yes to suffer but at least meaningfully.   Damn I have been heavy lately.   Time to do something funny……..Maybe someone will read this and have hope.   Why all the years and years of slavery half the time not even aware of what you are enslaved to much less how to get free.   Idk, I swear I don’t but there is hope, or if you don’t have any ask someone to hold out hope for you.   Say, I need someone to believe that things can be better for me until I can believe it…..or maybe the universe can do that for you and if you are getting free don’t stop.    I plan on continuing to run toward my goal shedding more and more and more and more and more………….

Having said all that I know of at least one person with a real screwed up childhood who found his Juliet and decided to start helping other people and he is doing well..pretty cool huh?

shalom yall.




a beach head was established, the para-troopers went in, enemy communications were incapacitated, we are going in for the kill, a joyous liberation of those in bondage, slavery, depression and despair is about to occur, the moon and sky will fill with blood and the stars will fall from the sky and the liberation will be complete in the kingdom of the soul……..why did it take so long in coming……..why did such a high price have to be paid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????     no answer, just that now is the kairos……i hope, what if it doesn’t come I speak as if it is a foregone conclusion……i feel the promise though, i feel the unconscious under the tip of the iceberg stirring,   the sky will get dark and full of clouds, thunder will shake the house, fear will set in then the clouds you so much dread will be big with mercy and grace and fall in blessings on your head…why not you?  why not you?  why not me?  why not.  then the mind’s sky will be unclouded, then the quiet will set in, a profound stillness in the soul that waits that rests.  I thought I had to wait til later for this………..could it be?     i feel the promise stirring inside waiting to be born, someone precious with a power not his own, nothing to brag or boast about, just someone to glorify and others to love………living to be a living legacy to the leader of the band as his blood runs through his instrument and his song in his soul, ever singing, ever listening to Joy Unspeakable and Full of Glory.

“I don’t care anymore.” Phil Collins, and me :) lol

“I Don’t Care Anymore”

Well you can tell ev’ryone I’m a down disgrace
Drag my name all over the place.
I don’t care anymore.
You can tell ev’rybody ’bout the state I’m in
You won’t catch me crying ‘cos I just can’t win.
I don’t care anymore I don’t care anymore

I don’t care what you say
I don’t play the same games you play.

‘Cos I’ve been talking to the people that you call your friends
And it seems to me there’s a means to and end.
They don’t care anymore.
And as for me I can sit here and bide my time
I got nothing to lose if I speak my mind.
I don’t care anymore I don’t care no more

I don’t care what you say
We never played by the same rules anyway.

I won’t be there anymore
Get out of my way
Let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I don’t care anymore I don’t care anymore
I don’t care anymore I don’t care anymore

Well, I don’t care now what you say
‘Cos ev’ry day I’m feeling fine with myself
And I don’t care now what you say
Hey I’ll do alright by myself
‘Cos I know.

‘Cos I remember all the times I tried so hard
And you laughed in my face ‘cos you held all the cards.
I don’t care anymore.
And I really ain’t bothered what you think of me
‘Cos all I want of you is just a let me be.
I don’t care anymore D’you hear? I don’t care no more

I don’t care what you say
I never did believe you much anyway.

I won’t be there no more
So get out of my way.
Let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I don’t care anymore
D’you hear? I don’t care anymore
I don’t care no more
You listening? I don’t care no more
No more!

You know I don’t care no more!

A while back I heard on the radio, Phil Collin’s song, I don’t care anymore.   Great song I have always thought but this time I listened to the words.   In the song he is not saying that he does not care about her, or whomever it was.  He is just saying that he doesn’t care anymore what she thinks about him.  Listening to the song I realized that we really weren’t playing by the same rules either.   Hers, it seems to me had a lot more to do with the things money can buy that we didn’t have.   I had some rich friends, but I just had fun with them.  I did not envy them that they had things I didn’t.  The rich people I know like to have a good time.  And I have had a good time with them.    Anyway, the main thing I get out of the song is…don’t let other people fuck with your spirit and I have been doing that……I have been doing that….I have been doing that and I don’t want to do it any more.   No more.  Ya hear me no more….

This quote I read today re-emphasizes that for me.

A person may break your heart and damage your pride, but never ever give them the power to break your spirit. Susan Gale

I am done with letting my ex or anyone else for that matter jack with my spirit.  I like my spirit.  I have a good one.  Enough said.   I have a good spirit and so do you……….

this song brings tears to my eyes.

Shed a Little Light by James Tayor.

for more on the mist read Rick Riordan.   The demi-gods like Percy Jackson could see monsters and other things that mortals could not see because of the mist. There was one mortal who could see through the mist in the Percy Jackson series.   She became the “seer,” a prophet.  Part of the mist for me in this world is the darkness that obscures hope.   This song sees through that mist.

Let us turn our thoughts today
To Martin Luther King
And recognize that there are ties between us,
All men and women living on the Earth.
Ties of hope and love,
Sister and brotherhood,
That we are bound together
In our desire to see the world
Become a place in which our children
Can grow free and strong.
We are bound together by the task
That stands before us
And the road that lies ahead.
We are bound and we are bound.

There is a feeling like the clenching of a fist
There is a hunger in the center of the chest
There is a passage through the darkness
And the mist
And though the body sleeps
The heart will never rest

Shed a little light, oh Lord,
So that we can see,
Just a little light, oh Lord.
Want to stand it on up,
Stand it on up, oh Lord,
Want to walk it on down,
Shed a little light, oh Lord.

Can’t get no light from the dollar bill,
Don’t give me no light from a TV screen.
When I open my eyes I want to drink my fill
From the well on the hill,
Do you know what I mean?

Shed a little light, oh Lord,
So that we can see,
Just a little light, oh Lord.
Want to stand it on up,
Stand it on up, oh Lord,
Want to walk it on down,
Shed a little light, oh Lord.

There is a feeling like the clenching of a fist,
There is a hunger in the center of the chest.
There is a passage through the darkness
And the mist
And though the body sleeps
The heart will never rest.

Oh, Let us turn our thoughts today
To Martin Luther King
And recognize that there are ties between us.
All men and women living on the Earth,
Ties of hope and love,
Sister and brotherhood.

the courage to change the things i can

I wanted to drink recently and i just said to myself over and over.  the courage to change the things that I can.   I came out of a meeting recently thinking about that and no one talked about it but it was in my mind.    I think its cool to think that when I choose not to do something that I don’t want to do and for good reasons, I am being courageous.   It beats just saying to yourself/myself, man I would like to do that so what’s stopping me?    lol.   I swear any good reasons just fly right out the window.    But the courage thing worked for me this time.  I have been told that i have courage, not always wise though.  I have done some pretty courageously stupid things…spare you the details.  And I think I have more courage than I used to.  I would tell people combat isn’t for me I would just sit there and shit in my pants.  lol.   I swear.  Now its like, if there were any enemy in front of me and they were my enemy I would be aiming to kill as many of those bastards as I could.  And I don’t even know how that change occurred.    That is what I think anyway.   And courage does not mean, I don’t think, not having fear.   The prayer says, courage to change the things I can.   Change is an action not a feeling or a thought.   So to have the courage to take that action or non action as the case may be, no matter what you are thinking or feeling.   That’s the way I take it. So take courage and do what you need to do or don’t do.   And no matter how weak you feel and I do feel weak when I even think about not smoking, but no matter how you feel you are ACTING with courage.  Man I love that thought…..

Freedom: What it means to me right now.

I watched the movie Flight recently.   Denzel Washington played an alcoholic/addict who landed safely a Jet Airliner that nobody should have been able to land drunk or sober and he was def. drunk at the time.  And he almost got away with it.   His “helpful” union lawyer almost got him off.   But during an inquiry he was asked about three bottles of booze that were empty on the plane after it crash landed and was asked if he thought one of stewardesses who was killed drank those on the plane.   He said no.  He knew she didn’t because he drank them and then confessed to being high and drunk that last three or four days leading up to the flight.   In the next scene you see him in jail probably in an AA meeting telling his story.   At the end he said, this may sound crazy or stupid because I know I am locked up and all but here in this prison with you guys is the first time I have truly been free.

I have had money good jobs family and the whole nine yards but have never been free, free to not do the things I don’t want to do.   I cannot remember a time when I was not doing something I didn’t want to do.   And I am ready ready to be free.   Maybe this isn’t the best description of freedom but it sure is attractive to me.   One time I had a picture of myself running towards a goal, at the end of my life and as I was running I was stripping off my clothes.   That is my metaphor for what I want to be free.   I guess I have always been free to do or not do anything, but I have not acted that way.  I am ready to act that way though.

Recovery Reflections

I have been going to meetings lately and I am glad.  As they say my best thinking has got me where I am and I am less inclined to trust my thinking than I have been in the past.  So some of my meeting induced better thinking, I hope is:   My problems are not my real problem.   My real problem is what I do to not think about my problems for while, checking out by using.  Then in never dawns on me that no I have more and bigger problems.   Sometimes huge problems by checking out.    Another one is, don’t think your way into acting but act your way into better thinking.    I have tried and tried to think of a way I can check out of life by using for a while and do life at the same time.   Well so far it hasn’t worked.   And often times I don’t think about consequences or anything I just do it.    Keep your past in front of you.  I am in a mess and what got me in this mess is using.  So why would I use knowing that it will sooner or later most likely sooner make a bigger mess.   I told you my best thinking has got me in trouble.    I told my sponsor I was proud of my kids.   He said, yeah but are they proud of you?   Great question.  Not sure, but I want them to be.  I want to quit doing things that I don’t want to do.  I have done that my whole life………things that I don’t want to do.   So it is about actions for me.   That will be real freedom for me when I am not doing what I don’t want to do.  I can’t wait and the only way to that goal for me anyway is through recovery.     And the last one, don’t drink and keep going to meetings.   I am ready to trying this acting my way into a better way of thinking because thinking my way into acting hasn’t worked.   Thanks for letting me share.