listening

in the quite in the absence of loneliness, a common occurrence where most of the time the significance is lost on me.

the other day in the meeting, stay the course

the other meeting, the person who felt god’s presence

three good job interviews

a friend that helps in practical ways

others reaching out, checking on me

me reaching out checking on others, wounded healers are we

the bad things I fear not happening

the desire to improve, move forward

milo

knowing that the animals have no forethought of grief, thinking that mine me calm down at some point.

other people understanding, knowing what it is like, how bad it was

more peace in the house after the confrontation, peace after the sword

courage to pull my sword out when I have to

and letting him know I am not afraid to use it

 

 

ya’ll

Ya’ll yesterday I was working in a subdivision and a bald eagle flew right over my head at the exact same time I was wondering what to do about my distress.  Right, it was the promise of freedom.  Today I worked with this guy named Rufus and we agreed that we would work together for a while.  I was telling him about all my worries and he said something about god that I can’t remember.  I remember saying that my daddy owns the cattle on a thousand hills, I just wish I could trust him more.  This evening I am calmer.  Not too worried about will I sprain my ankle carrying heavy doors and stuff over big construction rocks.  Ok that I work construction right now.  Ok that there is a woman I care about who is more sick now than ever.  Just really ok with that.

I said to him, where have you been love?  Of course I didn’t get an answer.  In a meeting the other day a young woman met her higher power when she was outside looking at a lightening bug.  This calm came over her.  That to me is the powerful calm that holds everything together.  I heard a number of stories in the same meeting of things happening like that.  Of a someone orchestrating events in their lives that they could not explain.  I am about ready to give up trying to figure out and understand and just accept.  Accept that I care for her.  Accept that for me anyway this person is not ready to come down and make everything right even though that is what I want and I think that that is what I am supposed to want that he delays for some reason maybe until more people want a higher power and are willing to say, uncle.   I can’t carry the weight of the world around on my shoulders any more.  It is just too much.  Shit isn’t going to happen when I want it to, but when and if it is supposed to.  And that the present is not a bad place to be really sitting here with shit all over my floor.  Everything I own in this room because what I own really doesn’t matter to me all that much and it never has mattered all that much.  And right now I know some beautiful people.  An older man in a truck speaking words of life to me today.   Someone who finally just lets me love them and doesn’t run away, doesn’t ask a lot of stupid questions, goes through hell and doesn’t complain.  People in meetings talking about the miracle of staying sober.  Some who don’t have any angle.  They just want to help the next sick and suffering alcoholic.   Right here in this room where right now everything is as it should be.

I had a dream

I had a dream.  I was the vice admiral of a battle ship.   There was another battle ship and they were having problems and somehow I knew it was because they were being lazy, like sleeping in and stuff.   The people on my ship wanted to help theirs and I said no,  Iwe could go to war any minute.

So I told my sponsor and he said that you are not very compassionate towards yourself.   Dreams are all about you.   So I think he had a good point.

Also, I think it is about my ego.  I didn’t think I had a big ego but there is a lot of ego there right.   Lately I have been afraid because I am sick and my anxious thoughts are, its all up to me.  I can’t be sick, if I am sick then I won’t work and I will go broke and be homeless.  It is all up to me.  I have trouble believing that my higher power cares about me and that others do too.   Maybe the message here is it is ok to take care of myself because my higher power is in control, not me and as my sponsor says, his plan is not to shit on me.   He cares for me the way a good parent cares for their children.

I have had a hard time because I was homeless 5 times and may have some PTSD so something like this happens and I panic.   The truth is I am feeling better and should be able to go to work tomorrow.  And I want to believe that my higher power cares.   Circumstances are forcing me to believe that because if I don’t then the alternative is relying completely and totally on myself and that is not working.  I have to let my higher power in and let others in and I am starting to do that.   Even when they are not perfect.  I got mad at my sponsor because he said, if you don’t care for yourself then all you can do is care take other people.  I am not void of care for myself.  Otherwise the hell I have gone through would have killed me.   I stood up for myself when my ex wanted to take way legal custody of my daughter from me.  It was hard but I did it.  And I have certainly cared for others.  My love for others cannot be discounted as pathological care taking.

It seems to me that I have to trust my higher power’s love and care for me more.  I think that that is the issue.  Otherwise it is all up to me and to let others in and let them care for me as well as my higher power cares for me through other people as imperfect as it is he is still loving me in and through them.

I want to say the hell with AA sometimes but they are just regular people right!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I don’t need to judge them and I think I do sometimes.  Everyone in AA, I think anyway, wants me to stay sober and that needs to be good enough for me.

gratitude

its in my heart

along with some other good things

when i think of the thing I am grateful for

I am confident that I possess it

but it is always there

whether I speak the thing or not

grateful for being grateful

the secret to being content?

idk

it sure is a good thing to have

since if there is a gift

there must be a giver

and for the giver I am most grateful of all.

the one who gives all other things

their splendor and their glory..

-by Salvador Edwards

grateful for:

birds

trees

flowers

plants

Milo the dog

beautiful women

did I say beautiful women?  🙂

selling cars

learning to sell cars

people who are willing to teach me how to sell cars and believe in me enough to do it

hot dogs

hamburgers

baseball and Chevrolet

Honda cars

muscle cars

such a mid life thing but I think muscle cars are gorgeous

because I sell Hondas.  wanna buy one? 🙂

people skills

relational skills

that I am smart

that I know the limits of my brain

it couldn’t help me understand that I have a drinking problem

i needed a higher power for that

my higher power

beautiful people

everyone is beautiful

Whitney Houston

 

 

today

today I was:

overwhelmed

depressed

thinking I didn’t get the new job and I may not and angry and depressed

I asked for help, then…..

On the bus was on one  of my friends who has OCD, he reminded me of a speech I gave on Mental Health Awareness Day event I gave several months ago.  He said he saw it online.

He said he was grateful that he was not homeless anymore.

That helped.  I thought of the hymn:  all the way my savior leads me and how the author John White committed it to memory when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease.  “for I know what ere befalls me Jesus doeth all things well.”

I thought about how I believe that the secret of being content is believing/knowing?  that everything is from god’s hand.

that being homeless, starving, in an abusive relationship, whatever with my higher power is better than anything without him, that for me he is my raison d’etre and that is what I said during the above speech and that is what I believe and it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of that one way or another since the one I will possess and be consumed with for the rest of eternity is the one I possess right now and that I have tasted of his sweetness, his other worldly and ineffible sweetness that there is nothing in this world that compares, and that is what I will continue to do, that being in AA is helping me with this somehow, that I don’t think I will ever drink again and all of that makes me happy and satisfied right here sitting on my bed with no sheets on it and papers and crap scattered all around the room and none of my pictures on the wall because none of that matters right now and if I got here right now today, I can get here again, and I have been here before and this is just the goddammm beginning, just the goddmammnn beginning and if this is just the goddammnn beginning then what is next, holy shit what is next, and that is why no matter what, i can run, not walk or hide or be scared but run, run as fast and hard as I fuckin can toward the future because no matter what I have him to look forward to, more and more and more of him……more shit too and more good times too, right, more shit and good times but more of him…

 

 

grateful for:

meditating a lot of the day, holy crap…………

milo the dog

AA, I am a fucking alcoholic

new friends

hope

joy

love

faith

truth

cars

the car I will own again someday

a good job interview

people who like crazy shit that I like

crazy shit

crazy people

that next to nothing makes sense, higher powers, my past, me, other people, all that shit so maybe i can accept this stuff if NONE of it makes much sense, make sense?????

the quiet in the living room….petting Milo

this computer

beautiful women…..

beautiful people

anything beautiful and most things are….maybe, idk……..

reasons to be hopeful

some money to buy my daughter a gift…..

songs in my head…..”there is good and bad in everyone…learn to live when we learn to give each other what we need to survive, ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony……..side by side on my keyboard oh Lord why don’t we…….”

tomorrow……..whatever happens tomorrow………being a little less afraid of tomorrow……

people I can help make happy: listening, selling, admiring, enjoying, etc.

ok real quick

I am grateful for the beer I used to drink and that now I can stop

tonight if the sky is clear there is a meteor shower so check it out.  grateful for stars

grateful for books:  I got the mother load tonite.  they were buy one get one free so I bought four.  holy crap the poor mans paradise.

grateful for love joy peace, happiness, anti-depressants, my daughters

the sex that made my daughters, chocolate, chocolate and sex]

ummmm    oh, a grateful heart, that I still have a job, a checking account, that I can pay the rent, that I can buy food in the store, right like when you dont have those things you get grateful, for my Juliet, ummmm    did I say sex, right ok, ummmm   how about potential future sex  ok ok

my laptop, medicine, ties to wear even though i don’t like wearing them, beautiful people esp. women, that I want to help people, trees, the grace of nature, ice cream, poeple with spirits, that would be everybody.

ummm     did I say beautiful women….ok.   handsome men I guess….the beauty in everybody, that just about everybody has good in them……and i want to see it….and celebrate it….books, world peace, the thought of it anyway,   that I believe the ending of the world is a good one not that shit that the world is going to hell in a hand basket…so hope, that is hope to me, that one day heaven will kiss the earth for good, what is that like a long french kiss of heaven and earth…not sure

ummm   me.  i like me that I like me, you i don’t even know you but I am glad you exist and you bless this whole frickin world with yourself…..and we are the only people who can bless the world with who we are…right.  right

um that some terrorist have a heart…i heard one being interviewed and he really had a heart, he was being controlled by someone else…that there is a hell for people like the controllers of terrorists….at least there may be…..planets that there may be another planet with beautiful women on it maybe a whole planet of them….maybe

that i have heard there is a statistical certainty that there is a parrellel uiniverse some where just like this one…for the higgs boson particle….that the speed of light is not I say not a constant..it has changed over time….that consistency is the hobgoblin of feeble minds    for tenderness, compassion and strong people who are not afraid to show their weakness that weakness can somehow be your strength if you let it…that by dying I can live, for paradoxes….even though too many of them and my mind starts to get fried, know what I mean vern?

ummmm    did I say you, yeah I did, for my roommate he is gloriously imperfect and I really like that about him.  I think I should tell him don’t you….I love the shit out of imperfect people, something about them reminds me of me……

ummmm    boxes, I have a box on my floor I just need to organize my papers….that I have everything I need.  at least I tell myself that do and I am less likely now to say what are you out of your mind how could you have everything you need?       that I like helping other people    and one day will be less of a worrier, that i went about two days without freaking out inside…listen that is progress for me, oh yeah and for divorce, it was nasty but grateful anyway…..for another day and maybe another one tomorrow they are all gravy for me now anyway….if you only knew……

ummm   that’s good for now..    shalom yall