what happened?

I can’t go there I don’t think.   That was the reward for my devotion?   I can’t think that way.  My mind wants to understand, to hear the reason.  Two families neither of them normal no chance to be a normal kid or to be a normal husband and father in a normal family, wtf?  I can’t let myself go there I don’t think.

I have to let it go and be grateful for the present.  I am recovering.  I am in recovery.  Not drinking, less self reliant, my head quieter than it used to be, the fatigue less crushing.  Not wanting to die.   Believing I will have a chance at a normal love relationship.  Knowing that before,  I had eyes to see into people and now those eyes are sharper.  Believing that that is not a gift given in vain.  Knowing that others have been blessed by that and that more will in the future.  Feeling the privilege of having those eyes.   Having a faith that is no fucking joke no fucking joke at all,  but grounded in day to day reality.   That reality needs to be feared less now than ever as it is perfectly ok with me that I am not enough and don’t have to be and never needed to be and never will be.  Believing that I am a imperfect, dependent creature living in a world with a lot of other imperfect, dependent creatures.   Having a confidence without self as the source, something I have always wanted.

Maybe I can stop asking what has happened.   People have been saying, forget the past.  And I have been thinking, you don’t understand.  Well my hp says stuff I don’t want to hear sometimes.  Speaking through this very imperfect man that I know.   So maybe he can use me too in all my imperfection.  Recovery, taking control of one’s life and the direction in which you want that life to go.   Not sure how much control I am taking but good things are happening and that means necessarily that I am moving on getting on with the show, getting better, healing, progressing, all those good words and that because of my past and my wounds I will have something really good to give, hopefully will be more empowered to help others recover.  And that’s it for me that is it.  Helping is its own reward and I will be happy with more of that, happy indeed :).

ya’ll

Ya’ll yesterday I was working in a subdivision and a bald eagle flew right over my head at the exact same time I was wondering what to do about my distress.  Right, it was the promise of freedom.  Today I worked with this guy named Rufus and we agreed that we would work together for a while.  I was telling him about all my worries and he said something about god that I can’t remember.  I remember saying that my daddy owns the cattle on a thousand hills, I just wish I could trust him more.  This evening I am calmer.  Not too worried about will I sprain my ankle carrying heavy doors and stuff over big construction rocks.  Ok that I work construction right now.  Ok that there is a woman I care about who is more sick now than ever.  Just really ok with that.

I said to him, where have you been love?  Of course I didn’t get an answer.  In a meeting the other day a young woman met her higher power when she was outside looking at a lightening bug.  This calm came over her.  That to me is the powerful calm that holds everything together.  I heard a number of stories in the same meeting of things happening like that.  Of a someone orchestrating events in their lives that they could not explain.  I am about ready to give up trying to figure out and understand and just accept.  Accept that I care for her.  Accept that for me anyway this person is not ready to come down and make everything right even though that is what I want and I think that that is what I am supposed to want that he delays for some reason maybe until more people want a higher power and are willing to say, uncle.   I can’t carry the weight of the world around on my shoulders any more.  It is just too much.  Shit isn’t going to happen when I want it to, but when and if it is supposed to.  And that the present is not a bad place to be really sitting here with shit all over my floor.  Everything I own in this room because what I own really doesn’t matter to me all that much and it never has mattered all that much.  And right now I know some beautiful people.  An older man in a truck speaking words of life to me today.   Someone who finally just lets me love them and doesn’t run away, doesn’t ask a lot of stupid questions, goes through hell and doesn’t complain.  People in meetings talking about the miracle of staying sober.  Some who don’t have any angle.  They just want to help the next sick and suffering alcoholic.   Right here in this room where right now everything is as it should be.

fear doesn’t have the last word

fear doesn’t have the last word

all of the bad things can give you a case of PTSD

fearful and catastrophic about the future

but the darkness doesn’t have the last word

not for me, not for me

because the darkness will turn to light

the smoldering wick won’t get snuffed out

the rough times and places will smooth out

the wasteland will blossom and flourish with life

and growth and goodness

that’s my last word, hope

hope is my last word

a beautiful man who wrote a beautiful hymn and lived a beautiful life

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants his footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.
Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill,
He treasures up his bright designs
And works his sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the lord by feeble sense,
But trust him for his grace;
behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purpose will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
the bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err,
And scan his work in vain:
God is his own interpreter,
And he will make it plain.
Written by William Cowper in the 18th century friend of John Newton who wrote Amazing Grace.  Cowper was racked with depression much of his adult life and attempted suicide on several occasions.   What to make of that……a mystery to me just a mystery.    And that seems to help me accept that a loving, gracious, merciful and compassionate higher power does exist.   AW Tozier says that mercy is god feeling what we feel in all its darkness and despair and good times as well.  Making all of it sacramental maybe….   Went to a meeting tonight and was reminded of a someone who became my friend.  When we met I was going through withdrawal from alcohol.  In that meeting that day I knew he knew what I was going through.  How can there be a loving god when….x, y or z.  I don’t know I really don’t but there are times when I feel the presence of love the love of someone I cannot see whom my heart has a deep affection for.  CS Lewis asks a good question, can you love someone who does not exist?   There is no darkness without light.    We are capable of self sacrificial love, compassion, care for others, joy in seeing others do well and succeed, forgiveness, joy trust in the goodness of life and others. I am grateful anyway for good times since like Cowper I have felt the darkness, gloom, doom and despair.      One day the world will be set to rights I believe and some how by loving and forgiving and all that stuff we experience the first fruits of all of that goodness to come.  The future goodness is crashing in to now just as all of the pain and joy of now is bringing the future goodness into being.   And as pain brings new life now.   So our pain is not in vain is not as meaningless and  as nihilistic as it may feel and appear it all has meaning.    For on that day we will give birth to a world set to rights and all of these birth pains will be forgotten for the joy we will know.   That is my hope.  a hope I believe will not dissapoint a promise made to the world that will be kept I believe with all my heart.

“I’m not my shoes.”

Irving Yalom tells the story in his book, Love’s Executioner of one of his group therapy patients, Yalom being the Group Therapy guru, the group was composed of all terminally ill cancer patients. This patient told the story, not it exactly, but tells the story about the time when he was going to give a speech. On his way up to give the speech he looks down and sees that his shoes are all scuffed up. He says to himself, I’m not my shoes, gets up and gives a great speech without being nervous. The point, I am not what I do, what I produce…I don’t know about you but I am still working on that one. I almost got a job selling furniture recently. The store manager was all on board. I interview with the Regional guy and he gives the thumbs down. I was suicidally dissapointed. No lie…but I recovered. The next day I was pretty much ok. My sponsor said, you probably would still be wallowing in depression of you were still drinking. And I believe he is right. I thought this would be true, but I have had to stop drinking before I could really tell how much it was messing me up. And you hear lots of people say that if you stay around the rooms. There was more I was going to say but it doesn’t seem important right now. What does seem important is what I just said, that drinking was saying, I am not your problem man….for real….lol..I swear, that ex of yours, your boss all those shitty people who didn’t seem to care when you were homeless (never mind the fact that people gave me thousands of dollars….) the little drinker seems to forget that part, the reality is he is quite the fucking liar….I think I was blessed/cursed with this disease going way far back, what I remember about the second grade was being out in the hall getting licks for mis-behavior, I have just been fucking wired to do the wrong thing…..and basically, not giving a shit and basically not learning from the consequences, my mistakes, over the course of time I have had 20-40 moving violations, and I just kept right on violating the law as if it didn’t apply to me, other people would say, I don’t break the law, too much hassle, I looked at them like they had four heads. What do you mean you don’t break the law, the rules, don’t you know, rules are MADE to be broken. Well I am having a change of mind about all that shit, change of mind, metanoia, to repent. I am becoming a repentant alcoholic this I believe is grace since I don’t know how anyone can do that on their own…so I am grateful that my mind is changing and maybe if the source is from somewhere other than me it will stick. I did not work my way into a changed mind, but I did do some things. I went to meetings, why at first, I had other reasons, besides, I was an alcoholic, but I go to meetings and work the steps, approaching step four right now, yikes….I have a sponsor so I have heard and believe that the mind can revert back to its old ways if you quit doing those things, and it is just beginning to change right. I still have the doom and gloom hopeless thinking and the I am what I do mentality but maybe now less rigid, maybe now the ice has broken and can start to melt, maybe aslan is around and it won’t be fucking winter forever and never christmas… I have even been angry at about 6 people, went to be and woke up not angry….I know wtf….anyway,  I will take it.
shalom yall.

what I didn’t know and what I do know.

 

What I didn’t know was that I am just as much a worshiper of myself and reason and knowledge as the next person.   Maybe more precisely I was trying to worship my higher power yet trusting in reason and knowledge.   Hard not to after humanity jerked god off the throne of the world during the Enlightenment and put himself and reason up there.  Afterwards we trusted what we knew, what we could prove to be true.   Our strategies and plans fueled by will power became god.   But I have been lucky.  I was made an alcoholic and was led to meetings where I was led to stop drinking, thus scrambling my brain all to hell and back!!!!!   For the first time I knew my mind was untrustworthy, filled with all these defenses against my problem..if I got close to the truth I just became confused.  I was told the smartest people have the most trouble accepting this.  Why?  because for us all of a sudden what we think we know cannot be trusted. wtf.  wtf.  What was going on in my head didn’t make sense.  That I was an alcoholic didn’t make sense.  My thoughts and feelings were screwed.  I was told things like no one can tell  you you are an alcoholic you have to discover that on your own.   And it seems like I had to come to that realization with no help whatsoever from any reasonable part of me.  That is the best I know how to say it.  Now I know that I am an alcoholic.    Before I didn’t and I don’t even know how I know.  I guess I heard enough people going through what I seemed to be going through or they went through it and the only label that fits with this experience is an alcoholic going through withdrawal and the only major thing I changed was to stop drinking long enough and to feel bat shit crazy and to hear other people who felt the same way because the thing they changed was to stop drinking.

There is a lot I don’t seem to know:  exactly how to do this thing called not checking out and sobriety, exactly how I feel about myself and exactly who I am, how to work the steps and what will happen when I do, what job I should take next iaf ny, what tomorrow will bring, when I will see my daughter next, how long I will live, will I marry again and a whole host of other things I don’t know.

But there is one thing I do know and I think this is the point and how I even know this and what it means and all the ramifications of it…I don’t know.  But, the person who wrote that hymn above, I know that feeling, I know something of what he feels because I feel it too.   I feel it when I read the words and hear it sung or played.   And that is the point.   This relational knowledge the yada kind of knowledge where adam knew eve and she conceived that is the saving and the most real knowledge for me.   What my highter power means to me and how I feel about him is more important, more real and substantial than what I know about him or anyone or anything else.   I worship a person and the grace has been that my head knowledge became completely and totally untrustworthy and worthless to me.   Hopefully, from here on out who I know will be more real and important that what I know.   I am glad I know some things, the people at work are glad that I do too, but how freeing it is to say that I don’t want to trust it anymore since it has been found to come up woefully lacking even when my life was depending on it .   Its freeing to say there is a lot I don’t know but that is ok because of whom I know and the only way to get to where I am going is to do thing things that I know I need to do. But I know how I feel for him and how I know he feels for me and for me right now and hopefully for all of the future that will be enough.

 

 

 

thoughts that make you go, hmmmm

“so often times it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key”   I like the song  but that has not been my experience.   Something happened to me to enslave me and I needed some help to get free.   That is how it works with things like shame for me anyway.  Part of healing from shame is realizing that it was not yours to begin with.   People shame others in such a personal way that the shamed believe that it is their shame.   How could it not be, right.  A child is not capable of saying to themselves, my parents are narcissistic morons. They just accept  mom and dads view of them.  This necessitates some experiential and high powered interventions.  That’s why for big shit like this standing in front of the mirror (cognitive restructuring) won’t do.   Sure I can stand in front of the mirror now and say stuff but the spell had to be broken first.    So much wounding comes from experiences, right.    Somebody treats us a certain way says things to us.  It is very experiential and requires an experience imho to set us free.  That is why for me healing of memories needs to be experiential the memory has to be transformed some  how through emdr, inner healing prayer, which is what I have done with poeple and for me speaking to a spirit, my hp, to heal my spirit.   Our spirit/soul whatever you call it was wounded.   Whether they know it or not counselors/therapists are soul healers and it helps to know it.   Grace I believe is necessary to put the balm of healing on soul wounds.   It has finally been my turn gracias mon dieu.   I have been a wounded healer and will continue to be maybe not a more healed wounded healer, with the joyous task of continuing to help set others free.   It was for freedom that we were made I believe.   freedom, grace, wholeness, joy, peace and yes to suffer but at least meaningfully.   Damn I have been heavy lately.   Time to do something funny……..Maybe someone will read this and have hope.   Why all the years and years of slavery half the time not even aware of what you are enslaved to much less how to get free.   Idk, I swear I don’t but there is hope, or if you don’t have any ask someone to hold out hope for you.   Say, I need someone to believe that things can be better for me until I can believe it…..or maybe the universe can do that for you and if you are getting free don’t stop.    I plan on continuing to run toward my goal shedding more and more and more and more and more………….

Having said all that I know of at least one person with a real screwed up childhood who found his Juliet and decided to start helping other people and he is doing well..pretty cool huh?

shalom yall.

 

 

Love by George Herbert

Love bade me welcome: yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-eyed Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning
If I lacked anything.

“A guest,” I answered, “worthy to be here”:
Love said, “You shall be he.”
“I, the unkind, ungrateful? Ah, my dear,
I cannot look on thee.”
Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,
“Who made the eyes but I?”

“Truth, Lord; but I have marred them; let my shame
Go where it doth deserve.”
“And know you not,” says Love, “who bore the blame?”
“My dear, then I will serve.”
“You must sit down,” says Love, “and taste my meat.”
So I did sit and eat.

love like that burns me I am so unfamiliar with it.