it’s overwhelming

It’s overwhelming, this change.   At the beginning thinking, it does’t matter when some concern or worry came into my head.  And knowing those words have a power I have never experienced before.   Knowing that doubt is about to get swept away by this terrible hurricane.   Knowing that I understand that book now in a new way.   Not wanting to read it.   Where would I start.   So overwhelming I can’t right now.    Him, on my mind all the time.  I never, never, ever could do that before.  Too much ADHD.   Not just on my mind but aware of him all the time.  Knowing that that is what I have wanted all this time but seldom saying it.   Thinking this is permanent is like when I first was relieved of the obsession to drink.   The rest of my life is a long time.   Too much to take in all at one time.   It is one day at a time right?   It is.   This day, this day it will be this way!   Like Johnny Cash when asked what was paradise for him.   He said, this morning, just this morning, having coffee with her.   A love that will not let me go that I have sung about.   I know is real.   Unbelievable.

Salvador Continue reading

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when I feel like I have lost my way

I remember when being trained as a counselor they said, whenever you feel like you have lost your way go back to listening.  That is the foundation.  Listening, reflectively listening to the person.  What are they saying?  How do they feel?  What does what they are saying mean to them?  Go back to that and you will find your way again.

Sometimes in life I feel like I am lost.  I thought I would be doing this and I am doing that?  And worrying about myself.  Man I hate that.  Worrying at work and all that stuff.

I am thinking for me that love is for life what reflective listening is for counseling.  What is one thing you can do where you can’t go wrong.  I remember as a pastor there would be something I needed to say to someone or do.  Some approach I needed to take, maybe something hard but truthful I needed to say and I would start to get afraid of their reaction.  I would just say to myself, this comes from love.  Let your love win over your fear.  Don’t worry about what they may say or do to try to hurt you.  And I did get hurt bad one time.   This is no guarantee that you won’t get hurt but it is all I can think of.

I have fear in their but I also have much compassion, much compassion and that can win over fear if I let it.  If I start work with, my job is to love these people, my bosses, my co-workers, even and especially the ones who are harsh and even bully me.  Yeah, I have been in this frickin job a little over a month and that has happened already.  And especially loving the members.   When I started this job I asked the interviewer what motivates you about your job.   She said I am not as much in contact with the members as before, but helping them is what motivates me.  So pretty much on that alone I took the job.   And maybe that is how I find my way when I feel lost.  My fucking truck broke down a month and a half ago and my medicine still isn’t right.   Well, my job is still to love, and I can do that with a messed up truck and not quite right medicine.

Shalom ya’ll,

Salvador

“And we are put on earth a little space, That we may learn to bear the beams of love” William Blake

For me it is easier to have it and feel it for others

than it is for me to receive it

Just being honest

Maybe one day that will be different

idk

If not the awareness of his and other’s presence

is enough

I do think I am doing what I was put here to do

to love.

Salvador Edwards

love

Love can win out.

When I am worried about myself

Love can win out.

Focus on the other person

And don’t worry about myself

That is the conclusion I came to recently.

Hopefully it works

I don’t like feeling jealous

And all that other shit.

Maybe that is my answer.

To let love win out all the time.

It seems to be the answer with this one person

Hopefully that will be my peace.

With this one person, anyway.

Love

It is our affections and desires good or bad that move us to act.   Inspired by Jonathan Edwards in Religious Affections

“Love often times knows no measure, but is fervent beyond all measure.  Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of labors, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse of impossibility; for it thinks all things possible for itself and all things lawful.   It is therefore strong for all things, and it completes many things, and brings them to effect, where he who does not love faints and lies down.   Love is watchful and sleeping slumbers not.  Though wearied it is not tired; though pressed it is not straitened; though alarmed, it is not confounded;  but as a lively flame and burning torch, it forces its way upward and securely passes through all.  If any person love, he knows what is the cry of this voice.  For it is a loud cry in the ears of God, that ardent affection of the soul, when it says: “My God, object of my love, thou art all mine, and I am all thine.”  Thomas a Kempis

It is Love that holds everything together I believe.

I wonder…

I wonder what will happen when the world starts to see its narcissism better.  I know for me I am being asked,  I believe, to loving, lovingly, and  lovingly confront some people.  I have tried to just get away from them all but for now anyway that doesn’t seem to be in the cards.  And it probably never will be.

 

what to do about fear? hesed va emit

I am not sure exactly as I feel it on a regular basis.

The opposite?  Is it faith or love?  Maybe the answer is yes and yes.

Faithful love.  In Hebrew, hesed va emit.  love and faithfulness

How do you love someone knowing that in the right circumstance they might hang y0u out to dry?   faithful love.

But I think ironically loving them may make it less likely for them to hang you out to dry.

Make sense?

Somehow it gets in and they realize I actually care about them.

They feel something strange from a person that they have been looking for but didn’t know how to find, really having no idea how to look, or even knowing that something was missing.

Would y0u hang that person out to dry?

The temptation, as in my earlier post is to run like hell.

And that may be the right thing to do depending on the people and the circumstances.

I am tired though, pretty tired.

Need to soon talk with someone who has some faithful love who can walk with me in this.

Shall I say someone else who can walk with me.  God with skin on.

Sometimes the skin really, really helps.

 

 

the quiet heart

isn’t afraid to say what it thinks

pretty much all the time 🙂

even if it offends others

is sometimes afraid and sometimes not

is sometimes faithful and sometimes not

can rest and rest and rest and rest

and is passionate, very passionate

about

mostly everything…:)

and fears getting hurt

but loves anyway

loves like crazy!

because

that is how it is loved