It is our affections and desires good or bad that move us to act.   Inspired by Jonathan Edwards in Religious Affections

“Love often times knows no measure, but is fervent beyond all measure.  Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of labors, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse of impossibility; for it thinks all things possible for itself and all things lawful.   It is therefore strong for all things, and it completes many things, and brings them to effect, where he who does not love faints and lies down.   Love is watchful and sleeping slumbers not.  Though wearied it is not tired; though pressed it is not straitened; though alarmed, it is not confounded;  but as a lively flame and burning torch, it forces its way upward and securely passes through all.  If any person love, he knows what is the cry of this voice.  For it is a loud cry in the ears of God, that ardent affection of the soul, when it says: “My God, object of my love, thou art all mine, and I am all thine.”  Thomas a Kempis

It is Love that holds everything together I believe.


I wonder…

I wonder what will happen when the world starts to see its narcissism better.  I know for me I am being asked,  I believe, to loving, lovingly, and  lovingly confront some people.  I have tried to just get away from them all but for now anyway that doesn’t seem to be in the cards.  And it probably never will be.


what to do about fear? hesed va emit

I am not sure exactly as I feel it on a regular basis.

The opposite?  Is it faith or love?  Maybe the answer is yes and yes.

Faithful love.  In Hebrew, hesed va emit.  love and faithfulness

How do you love someone knowing that in the right circumstance they might hang y0u out to dry?   faithful love.

But I think ironically loving them may make it less likely for them to hang you out to dry.

Make sense?

Somehow it gets in and they realize I actually care about them.

They feel something strange from a person that they have been looking for but didn’t know how to find, really having no idea how to look, or even knowing that something was missing.

Would y0u hang that person out to dry?

The temptation, as in my earlier post is to run like hell.

And that may be the right thing to do depending on the people and the circumstances.

I am tired though, pretty tired.

Need to soon talk with someone who has some faithful love who can walk with me in this.

Shall I say someone else who can walk with me.  God with skin on.

Sometimes the skin really, really helps.



the quiet heart

isn’t afraid to say what it thinks

pretty much all the time 🙂

even if it offends others

is sometimes afraid and sometimes not

is sometimes faithful and sometimes not

can rest and rest and rest and rest

and is passionate, very passionate


mostly everything…:)

and fears getting hurt

but loves anyway

loves like crazy!


that is how it is loved

i have a dream

“so now let us turn our thoughts today to martin luther king, and recognize……”  look it up, great song by James Taylor, anyway, i digress and I swear  I can’t spell, anyway,

not quite as lofty as MLK jr’s but it is mine, MY dream that is….. you see I heard from car sales trainers, two to be exact that if you really care about people you can sell a lot of cars or a lot of whatever as far as I’m concerned. Now if my plan to date falls through meaning i don’t get the truck i am trying to buy then this plan will be on hold but assuming it does then I will be working hard on the internet to encourage people to come in to our dealership and look around for a car or truck as the case may be, foreign or domestic since we sell both

you see when i heard that I thought, holy crap, holy crap so I really could sell cars, you mean I don’t have to be mr. slick to sell cars!?
and you mean that things like loving people and being a genuinely caring person is good for business. i knew it was good for relationships, but you mean love and caring can make you crazy successful in business!!! wow, is that cool or what.
maybe this is my calling now, cause I have been looking for jobs thinking, what the fuck am i doing, i have done x,y and z in my life and now i am looking to do d. how many people do 25 different things for work, ok, dude put up your hammer right, it is what it is, but look for job has felt weird to me sort of directionless, but at least right now, at this existential moment anyway I think this is my new calling to see just how many cars genuinely caring about people can sell. my guess…..A CRAP LOAD, REALLY…..I THINK IT WILL SELL A CRAP LOAD, since i think people can see right through someone who pretends to care to get people’s money. and i learned a long time ago that people speak with their feet, they don’t come out and say, you’re a fake see ya later, they just say, see ya later, or they walk without saying anything.

and think I will make a lot of money proving the hypothesis to be true but to be true to my own hypothesis it is not mainly about the money, its about how much stuff love can sell. and if I don’t do it now, unless I change my mind and decide to sell pencils at the post office, I am going to test this theory cause how awesome is the idea to me that loving people can be good for business….just saying…

little girls and balloons

Sometimes I will see like a little girl with a balloon and I say to her, can I have that balloon and she will hold it out to me.  Why?  Because she knows that her mom has all the balloons in the world and she can just get another one.  Right?   Then the little girl grows up (like my daughter, here comes the proud parent part)  and she goes out on her own, independent, making her own way, proud of herself as she should be that she can make it on her own, without her parents help.   But a lot of people stop there don’t they.  We think damn, if I am going to get what I want and need I need to do whatever I need to do to grab it cause that pie looks awefully ?sp. damn small and look at all those hands grabbing for that little pie.  Shit, what am I going to do now……But if that woman is lucky she grows up again and learns again what she knew,  really knew to be that truth of her existence,  when she was young.   That she has a mom/dad,  whoever that has all the balloons, cars, money, boyfriends, good husbands or good wives as the case may be, dogs, cats, back yards, fences, nice neighbors, that she/he will ever ever ever  need.

“my precious daughter/son, love of my life, light of my world, heart of my own heart and deepest longing and desire in the deepest recesses of my heart and soul, that I would rather die than live without you doesn’t even come close to what I am trying to say, and words fail utterly and completely to express this… are always with me and everything I have belongs to you.”

I know…what about….and what about…..and what about….i know…..idk, idk, i know but idk about those things….all I know is that there is just something in me calling me to trust and saying something like, do you want to be free?   do you want to be free, then look and see, just look and see because there is more that is really really really there than what you have been seeing, and don’t be afraid cause this is true whether you believe it or not, believing it does not make it true, it is true and very, very real….and you are starting to believe it aren’t you….and i say, yes i am, yes I am because when I look back on what I have done, the things I have made it through, the things I am making it through, like being ripped and torn from my daughter’s life, rip my heart out right but don’t rip me from her like you did, right?  decades, okay decades of depression and other stuff, ok, just other stuff I think, how did I do that, how am I alive, denying that my life has been and is bigger way the hell bigger right, way the hell bigger than me, and will continue to be way the hell bigger than me is getting harder and harder to deny……..denial is not a river in Egypt I have lived most of my life there and I don’t know about you but freedom is calling me and its voice is so so gorgeous and beautiful ineffably beautiful saying something like….just let yourself be the beautiful person that you are it says be who you are, let me help you to be you all you have to do is just be you….and I am starting to say….yea, right, yea……that is what I want…that really, really, really is what I want, i guess I’m not who they said I was, maybe just maybe I am who you are telling me that I am, i do want to believe it and I am starting to I am really starting to and I like actually love how that makes me feel, love it, absolutely fuckin ey, love it lol… I don’t know how else to say that……….

Love by George Herbert

Love bade me welcome: yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-eyed Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning
If I lacked anything.

“A guest,” I answered, “worthy to be here”:
Love said, “You shall be he.”
“I, the unkind, ungrateful? Ah, my dear,
I cannot look on thee.”
Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,
“Who made the eyes but I?”

“Truth, Lord; but I have marred them; let my shame
Go where it doth deserve.”
“And know you not,” says Love, “who bore the blame?”
“My dear, then I will serve.”
“You must sit down,” says Love, “and taste my meat.”
So I did sit and eat.

love like that burns me I am so unfamiliar with it.

romeo and juliet

anyone know why Shakespeare wrote the play?   well this is what I read anyway.   First, you remember the story right…..Salvador’s cliff notes…As the story goes Romeo had a girlfriend name Rosaland.  I know I can’t spell, anyway, that was her name and Shakespeare wrote their dialogue in iambic pentameter.  got that right 🙂  ok a poetic, but quite structured way to speak to someone one.   Romeo meets Juliet and holy shit…i mean wow……right…..and he says things like……   I thought Rosland was the sun but then I met the sun and now Rosland is the moon maybe….She feels the same way about him of course…only one problem…one is a capulet and the other a montague…oh I forgot….so when they meet and start talking.   Shakespeare throws out the iambic pentameter.    The kind of love and affection and desire they have for each other could not be contained in iambic pentameter.   It would be a straight jacket.   The longing they have for each other is way too intense for that right….right…..ok. so they are from different families….big problem right….well so Juliet says doth they name…..get rid of it……how can we let our names keep us from each other……these two will not be separated will they (not sure why they didn’t just run off together)  but anyway because of her distress Juliet commits suicide and then Romeo decides to join her.   And on the other side they are together again….