Sometimes I will see like a little girl with a balloon and I say to her, can I have that balloon and she will hold it out to me. Why? Because she knows that her mom has all the balloons in the world and she can just get another one. Right? Then the little girl grows up (like my daughter, here comes the proud parent part) and she goes out on her own, independent, making her own way, proud of herself as she should be that she can make it on her own, without her parents help. But a lot of people stop there don’t they. We think damn, if I am going to get what I want and need I need to do whatever I need to do to grab it cause that pie looks awefully ?sp. damn small and look at all those hands grabbing for that little pie. Shit, what am I going to do now……But if that woman is lucky she grows up again and learns again what she knew, really knew to be that truth of her existence, when she was young. That she has a mom/dad, whoever that has all the balloons, cars, money, boyfriends, good husbands or good wives as the case may be, dogs, cats, back yards, fences, nice neighbors, that she/he will ever ever ever need.
“my precious daughter/son, love of my life, light of my world, heart of my own heart and deepest longing and desire in the deepest recesses of my heart and soul, that I would rather die than live without you doesn’t even come close to what I am trying to say, and words fail utterly and completely to express this…..you are always with me and everything I have belongs to you.”
I know…what about….and what about…..and what about….i know…..idk, idk, i know but idk about those things….all I know is that there is just something in me calling me to trust and saying something like, do you want to be free? do you want to be free, then look and see, just look and see because there is more that is really really really there than what you have been seeing, and don’t be afraid cause this is true whether you believe it or not, believing it does not make it true, it is true and very, very real….and you are starting to believe it aren’t you….and i say, yes i am, yes I am because when I look back on what I have done, the things I have made it through, the things I am making it through, like being ripped and torn from my daughter’s life, rip my heart out right but don’t rip me from her like you did, right? decades, okay decades of depression and other stuff, ok, just other stuff I think, how did I do that, how am I alive, denying that my life has been and is bigger way the hell bigger right, way the hell bigger than me, and will continue to be way the hell bigger than me is getting harder and harder to deny……..denial is not a river in Egypt I have lived most of my life there and I don’t know about you but freedom is calling me and its voice is so so gorgeous and beautiful ineffably beautiful saying something like….just let yourself be the beautiful person that you are it says be who you are, let me help you to be you all you have to do is just be you….and I am starting to say….yea, right, yea……that is what I want…that really, really, really is what I want, i guess I’m not who they said I was, maybe just maybe I am who you are telling me that I am, i do want to believe it and I am starting to I am really starting to and I like actually love how that makes me feel, love it, absolutely fuckin ey, love it lol… I don’t know how else to say that……….