the past few years

So about a year ago I was reading a blog about narcissists and after that I read about narcissism and all of a sudden I could see that my ex is narcissistic.   It blew my mind like crazy.   All that happened made sense.  I finally stopped blaming myself for everything.  But the grief is still there and it created more.   I had comforted myself that my girls were doing ok even though they still suffer from depression, anxiety and other stuff.  At least I thought other than that they were doing ok.

Well maybe not.   What does it mean that their mom is a narcissist?   I still don’t know and I have cried a lot but have not felt particularly angry.   But I must be.  How could I not be.  I have tried counseling but it didn’t work.   Now that I have a stable job, I think.

I seem to be thinking back over the last five years and it is a big WTF!!!!!!!!!.    The things I have been through a horrible divorce, my children moving to another state without my knowledge and certainly without my permission.   A suicide attempt, the result of drinking and defending my rights to my daughter in court without a lawyer and hers with all these threats, homelessness, poverty alcoholism.   And then doing it and my ex shows no concern whatsoever, cold as ice.   Her lawyer trying to turn it for her advantage.    That stuff must need to be processed.  At least that is what I am thinking right now anyway.   And my higher power in my face so to speak all the time, but some of the shit I think and him being right there….That is weird, like really weird man.   But I’m not complaining.   Anyway.






















































































the sword that makes war

I came not to make peace but to bring a sword

that there will be war in your own family

That is what he said and I understand it.

My children do not see the hypocrisy,

mental illness, cold heartedness and manipulation in our family.

I want their eyes to see it

and they don’t like me very much for it.

But that is ok with me.

Because when he came

He declared  a jihad

on all that stuff!!!

Sometimes we are tested not to show our weaknesses but to discover our strengths. Author unknown

Trouble is always a faith test for me that I loose a lot it seems.   Here is more trouble just like I expected.  See why trust a higher power that has brought so much of this?   Because just more of the same is on the way….  Talked to my sponsor today about steps 1-3.

My sponsor read this from chapter 5 in the Big Book:

(a)That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.

(b)That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.

(c)That God could and would if He were sought.


A, B and C cooresponding ?sp to steps one, two and three.

What stuck out to me is the positive nature of C.  Higher power person wants to relieve me of this burden and actually did since part of me believes that and it is past tense right now.  That flies on the face of my false belief that says, more shit is in store, don’t even bother because more shit is in store.   See I am not really sure what my understanding of a higher power is because I quit trying to understand.  So putting my life in the care of the god of my understanding doesn’t really help a whole lot.  But BW seems to talk about a higher power who wants good for us not bad.  I like that.

Also, I consider that that belief does not just come from going through hell, but was instilled and supported by parents and a spouse who were narcissistic.  No matter what happened in the past that may support that belief, I was the narcs supply meaning all of their negative shit about themselves was projected onto me.  That is really where that belief comes from I think even more than the past.  And if it is a false belief a lie that was told to me reflecting another person’s view of themselves, then it really is not about me at all.  So if I think shit is in store, that is the narcissistic lie I am believing even more than the bad shit that has happened.  Make sense?  Well it does to me 🙂

The truth is I deserve a shot at a good life, one that is meaningful to me and my own form of happiness just like that next person and should expect it just like the next person.  All the clients who ever came to see me wanted to be happier in some form or another, and I said in so many words, of course you do.  What is keeping you from that?  Ok, lets go to work…  that is natural for us humans to want and maybe it was put there by a higher power who wants us to be happy and maybe even is him/herself happy, despite all the pain that fills the world, there is more than pain, there is joy even and especially for the poorest of the poor it comes to my mind.

What is the chief end of humanity says the confession?  To glorify god and ENJOY him forever.   Enjoyment, joy is the chief end of humanity our raison d’etre, according to the confession.  Not misery, not pain, not endless suffering.

So the quote I started with says to me, discovering my strength is discovering the truth about me, my higher power, and what is true about the vast majority or maybe even everyone.  We all want to be happy.  My trouble is an opportunity to see that good not bad can and should be what is expected.

I thought too about the postive nature of the third step prayer where it says remove our difficulties that by doing that others can see that this stuff really really works, my paraphrase.   Not even help me endure them but remove them.  Just like you took away the oppression of addiction take away these other things that are tying me down too.

Then there are the 9th step promises.  “If were are painstaking about this phase of our development we will be amazed before we are halfway through.  We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.  We will not regret that past nor wish to shut the door on it.  We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.  No matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see how our experience can benefit others.  That feeling of uselessness and self pity will dissappear…….Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.  Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. ”  Nothing negative about any of that and when this stuff starts happening, we realize that god is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.  God wants all that good stuff to happen in our lives.

Anyway, this was big for me to think about.  Grateful to have a good sponsor who helped get me thinking in the right direction.  That’s all I got for now.

Maybe one day I will edit before I post…maybe not….lolllllllll

Shalom ya’ll


good stuff

Don’t know about you but I am not always able to interpret my heart.  Like why has it been so weighed down?   Been sick, yada yada yada but I am pretty sure now it has to do with the revelation not too long ago that my ex is narcissistic.   So therefore I have lived with narcissists my whole life.   Read a book on the subject recently and cried really hard.   That may have been my conformation can’t remember actually.   But it is really good to know if you know what I mean.   With a good counselor, this weight has an end date and I know what it is and what to do about.  I rarely have that kind of clarity.   Hope this guy knows what he’s doing, gaslighting cognitive dissonace this guy needs to know what those things are.  I will ask of course.   Saw him once and he did pretty good.   Asked a lot of questions to start getting the lay of my land like I would have done.  But I need to trust someone too and I have more of a problem with that than I thought.   Need to trust the beautiful universe too that healing is imminent for me as my spirit says that it is.   What an amazing feeling!   Really amazing.    As a therapist I  would help people heal and think when is it going to be my turn.  Knock on wood, I think my turn as arrived.   What will I be like afterwards, not sure but it will be good I am sure of that.   And to remind myself that this process has already started, taking care of myself along the way, letting people care about me, being ok that I really care about others and not pathologizing that, hearing someone criticize one of my current relationships and then being able to say to myself, it is a really good relationship and no matter how long it lasts I will be a better person for it and hopefully she will too, thanks to understanding cognitive dissonance, starting to hear the inner critic and being able to start to say to him, you are full of shit and really believing that and not letting him keep me confused, knowing that these strong reactions do not mean I am screwed up but are very very normal after the hell I have been through and that any normal person would have reacted the way I did to constant devaluing, giving myself a break regarding the things I have done to check out for a while just to cope with….whatever that was.    So onward and upward:)



I had this dream

I had this dream last night.  I was at the grocery store and I had got some rewards I was going to cash in.  So I went up to the counter and the lady said here’s how to get your rewards and you are gorgeous btw.   I walked away smiling.   The other day I saw an eagle fly right over my head while I was thinking about getting counseling and getting free from how I have been abused by narcissists.

Today I was in a meeting where we were talking about family members and this guy shared how he has gotten free from the desire to drink and it has been over four years since he had a drink.

What is all this?    The other day I was reading about narcissistic abuse and went on facebook and read something about prayer and asked my hp to take away the depression fatigue and right after I cried really really hard and felt some release.

Yesterday I had a terrible work experience but today I am ok.   I will just go to work tomorrow and I don’t think that I will be worried about it although I have a hard time with people right now.

I honestly believe that what is so beautiful about me right now is that my hp is setting me free.   Maybe I will start feeling like he is my home his love through his presence and other people in my life.    I felt the care for others in that meeting today.  People just saying where they were and other people respecting what they had to say.

So it looks like freedom is on the way.   Freedom from worry and feeling like it is all up to me.  It can’t be all up to me.  I am really hoping that when I really feel better and have more energy I won’t go back to it is all up to me to get jobs and money and all that shit.   I don’t think there is any peace in that.   I think I get the peace I do get from my hp and if I go back to it is all up to me it won’t work.

Grateful today for this now and not yet freedom.   Freedom to love and be loved.   I think that is what it boils down to for me.   There is no real love in narcissism not real love.  But I have known real love from hp and from others going all the way back to my childhood.   I thought I didn’t know what it felt like but I think I do.  I know the feeling of another’s presence that is hard to describe.   Too wonderful to describe yet ordinary and subtle at the same time, to have times when everything is ok and when it doesn’t feel like it is I would like to start thinking that he will come back and it will feel like that again.



Is it a problem?

This is how I define an addiction as a problem.  Some people are quick to say that such and such is not a problem without asking what does it mean if a substance or behavior to be a problem.  Here is how I now know looking back that it was a problem.

A health care professional can warn you of the dangers but that is easily rationalized away.    Anything anyone tells you or you tell yourself can be rationalized away.

It is a problem that says it’s not a problem.

So that makes it hard to figure out if it is really a problem.

Although I had a feeling it was a problem.  I just didn’t want it to be as I wanted

to keep doing it.

For me I went from doing it with others to by myself.

And then to doing it most every day.

Some people build a tolerance and need more of it.   But that was not the case so much for me.  I even had an addiction counselor tell me it was not a problem for that reason.   I know, stupid, right.

I could not see that I had a problem although I suspected that I did.

I did not want to be a gd alcoholic.

It is a narcissistic problem.   Besides the above things.  It is selfish.   It seems to want all my money and and attention and does not care if I loose jobs and pretty much wants me dead as I would be suicidal sometimes at the end when I did it.  But sometimes not, so I would say maybe that was a fluke.

Not matter what the consequences I had a hard time connecting the dots, realizing that the bad things were happening because of the problem.   I had a lot of other reasons that made sense to me as to why those things were happening.  I could not get in my head and figure out if it was a problem so that was probably the first problem my brain could not assist me with.

It is progressive:  frequency progresses, problems progress, inner and outer unmanageability progress , relationships deteriorate.    The kinds of problems are hard or impossible to recover from like loosing your family, your job and your life.

It will creep up on you.   Like boiling a frog in water by turning up the heat slowly.   The frog does not know it is too hot until it is too late.

You can have all the reasons in the world for not doing it and then just do it like its nothing.

You and only you can decide if it is a problem.  If someone else tells you you have a problem it won’t work if you are still telling yourself that you don’t.  You have to see it for yourself.

I would think some things like dope and crack cocaine would be harder to deny that it is a problem although I do not speak from experience on that.

You can ask yourself, is this recreational use or something else.

If other people think you have a problem that is a big red flag as usually other people can see it before you do.

At some point you will decide that you are done.   That point is different for everybody and some people die before they get to that point.

If you quit and go back to it later, even years later you will pick up where you left off. The severity of the problems will return quickly.

Because it is such a liar and deceiver I consider myself fortunate to be in recovery from it period.

Instead of not doing it to reach your goals.  You will change your goals.

At this point  I am doing better than ever in my life and would not trade this life of recovery for anything!

the kingdom that lasts forever

Daniel told about a kingdom that will last forever and will crush all the other kingdoms.  That kingdom is in this world right now I believe.   It is the kingdom of the little ego and the big soul.   The church has the teaching about the kingdom but not much power I believe.   As the church seems to be a breading ground right now for big egos.   I think the church lacks the ferocity to crush much of anything right now.   I may be wrong, but I see this kind of spiritual life in AA and NA and the other 12 step groups.   They know about the problem of the big ego and every day you can go to a meeting and hear people talk about the problem of their big ego and what they are doing about with the help of a higher power.   And I think this is a kingdom of love.   But the kind of love that is powerful enough to crush big egos and knows that things like suffering helps to grow big souls.   I may be wrong on that one too, since I don’t want more suffering for anybody including myself.   But Revelation talks about the tree of life when the new heaven and new earth are finally here.  Its leaves are for the healing of the nations.  Does that mean that complete healing happens in the after life?  Not sure.  Maybe.   I do think that that healing is available now at least in part as the kingdom that will last forever is here as well.   The kingdom of the little egos and big souls.  That is where the life is, I believe.  That is where the life is.

ya know

ya know.  I have been worried about Trump because he most assuredly has a personality disorder so that is concerning that the president of the USA is that fucked up.   But I am encouraged that pretty much the whole world especially the Chinese are making fun of him and narcs DO NOT LIKE being made fun of.  So I am thinking that he will disintegrate pretty soon.   So I think sooner or later hopefully sooner he will go down…..

urgent concern!!!!!!!!!!!

urgent concern!!!
Dear Friends,
I along with many other health care professionals believe that our commander and chief has a disorder called, Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I urge you to contact your representatives in congress as I have if you are concerned. While President Obama was in office three well known Psychiatrists expressed this same concern and urged him to have the president elect tested for this disorder. It is one thing for someone with NPD to anger his friends. It is another thing for him to anger world powers!!! Please consider contacting your representatives. If you disagree with me I don’t care and I don’t want to hear about it. Keep it to yourself.

Salvador Edwards, MDiv, MAMFT, QMHP-C,A

the language of a selfish person

sometimes you have to speak a real selfish person’s language

instead of appealing to their concern for another person

even though that is their job

to be concerned about that person..

you have to say something like

“You think you have problems now?!!!!!!!!

Just wait until such and such happens!!!!!!!!!

You haven’t seen problems until such and such happens!!!!!!”