good stuff

Don’t know about you but I am not always able to interpret my heart.  Like why has it been so weighed down?   Been sick, yada yada yada but I am pretty sure now it has to do with the revelation not too long ago that my ex is narcissistic.   So therefore I have lived with narcissists my whole life.   Read a book on the subject recently and cried really hard.   That may have been my conformation can’t remember actually.   But it is really good to know if you know what I mean.   With a good counselor, this weight has an end date and I know what it is and what to do about.  I rarely have that kind of clarity.   Hope this guy knows what he’s doing, gaslighting cognitive dissonace this guy needs to know what those things are.  I will ask of course.   Saw him once and he did pretty good.   Asked a lot of questions to start getting the lay of my land like I would have done.  But I need to trust someone too and I have more of a problem with that than I thought.   Need to trust the beautiful universe too that healing is imminent for me as my spirit says that it is.   What an amazing feeling!   Really amazing.    As a therapist I  would help people heal and think when is it going to be my turn.  Knock on wood, I think my turn as arrived.   What will I be like afterwards, not sure but it will be good I am sure of that.   And to remind myself that this process has already started, taking care of myself along the way, letting people care about me, being ok that I really care about others and not pathologizing that, hearing someone criticize one of my current relationships and then being able to say to myself, it is a really good relationship and no matter how long it lasts I will be a better person for it and hopefully she will too, thanks to understanding cognitive dissonance, starting to hear the inner critic and being able to start to say to him, you are full of shit and really believing that and not letting him keep me confused, knowing that these strong reactions do not mean I am screwed up but are very very normal after the hell I have been through and that any normal person would have reacted the way I did to constant devaluing, giving myself a break regarding the things I have done to check out for a while just to cope with….whatever that was.    So onward and upward:)




I had this dream

I had this dream last night.  I was at the grocery store and I had got some rewards I was going to cash in.  So I went up to the counter and the lady said here’s how to get your rewards and you are gorgeous btw.   I walked away smiling.   The other day I saw an eagle fly right over my head while I was thinking about getting counseling and getting free from how I have been abused by narcissists.

Today I was in a meeting where we were talking about family members and this guy shared how he has gotten free from the desire to drink and it has been over four years since he had a drink.

What is all this?    The other day I was reading about narcissistic abuse and went on facebook and read something about prayer and asked my hp to take away the depression fatigue and right after I cried really really hard and felt some release.

Yesterday I had a terrible work experience but today I am ok.   I will just go to work tomorrow and I don’t think that I will be worried about it although I have a hard time with people right now.

I honestly believe that what is so beautiful about me right now is that my hp is setting me free.   Maybe I will start feeling like he is my home his love through his presence and other people in my life.    I felt the care for others in that meeting today.  People just saying where they were and other people respecting what they had to say.

So it looks like freedom is on the way.   Freedom from worry and feeling like it is all up to me.  It can’t be all up to me.  I am really hoping that when I really feel better and have more energy I won’t go back to it is all up to me to get jobs and money and all that shit.   I don’t think there is any peace in that.   I think I get the peace I do get from my hp and if I go back to it is all up to me it won’t work.

Grateful today for this now and not yet freedom.   Freedom to love and be loved.   I think that is what it boils down to for me.   There is no real love in narcissism not real love.  But I have known real love from hp and from others going all the way back to my childhood.   I thought I didn’t know what it felt like but I think I do.  I know the feeling of another’s presence that is hard to describe.   Too wonderful to describe yet ordinary and subtle at the same time, to have times when everything is ok and when it doesn’t feel like it is I would like to start thinking that he will come back and it will feel like that again.



Is it a problem?

This is how I define an addiction as a problem.  Some people are quick to say that such and such is not a problem without asking what does it mean if a substance or behavior to be a problem.  Here is how I now know looking back that it was a problem.

A health care professional can warn you of the dangers but that is easily rationalized away.    Anything anyone tells you or you tell yourself can be rationalized away.

It is a problem that says it’s not a problem.

So that makes it hard to figure out if it is really a problem.

Although I had a feeling it was a problem.  I just didn’t want it to be as I wanted

to keep doing it.

For me I went from doing it with others to by myself.

And then to doing it most every day.

Some people build a tolerance and need more of it.   But that was not the case so much for me.  I even had an addiction counselor tell me it was not a problem for that reason.   I know, stupid, right.

I could not see that I had a problem although I suspected that I did.

I did not want to be a gd alcoholic.

It is a narcissistic problem.   Besides the above things.  It is selfish.   It seems to want all my money and and attention and does not care if I loose jobs and pretty much wants me dead as I would be suicidal sometimes at the end when I did it.  But sometimes not, so I would say maybe that was a fluke.

Not matter what the consequences I had a hard time connecting the dots, realizing that the bad things were happening because of the problem.   I had a lot of other reasons that made sense to me as to why those things were happening.  I could not get in my head and figure out if it was a problem so that was probably the first problem my brain could not assist me with.

It is progressive:  frequency progresses, problems progress, inner and outer unmanageability progress , relationships deteriorate.    The kinds of problems are hard or impossible to recover from like loosing your family, your job and your life.

It will creep up on you.   Like boiling a frog in water by turning up the heat slowly.   The frog does not know it is too hot until it is too late.

You can have all the reasons in the world for not doing it and then just do it like its nothing.

You and only you can decide if it is a problem.  If someone else tells you you have a problem it won’t work if you are still telling yourself that you don’t.  You have to see it for yourself.

I would think some things like dope and crack cocaine would be harder to deny that it is a problem although I do not speak from experience on that.

You can ask yourself, is this recreational use or something else.

If other people think you have a problem that is a big red flag as usually other people can see it before you do.

At some point you will decide that you are done.   That point is different for everybody and some people die before they get to that point.

If you quit and go back to it later, even years later you will pick up where you left off. The severity of the problems will return quickly.

Because it is such a liar and deceiver I consider myself fortunate to be in recovery from it period.

Instead of not doing it to reach your goals.  You will change your goals.

At this point  I am doing better than ever in my life and would not trade this life of recovery for anything!

the kingdom that lasts forever

Daniel told about a kingdom that will last forever and will crush all the other kingdoms.  That kingdom is in this world right now I believe.   It is the kingdom of the little ego and the big soul.   The church has the teaching about the kingdom but not much power I believe.   As the church seems to be a breading ground right now for big egos.   I think the church lacks the ferocity to crush much of anything right now.   I may be wrong, but I see this kind of spiritual life in AA and NA and the other 12 step groups.   They know about the problem of the big ego and every day you can go to a meeting and hear people talk about the problem of their big ego and what they are doing about with the help of a higher power.   And I think this is a kingdom of love.   But the kind of love that is powerful enough to crush big egos and knows that things like suffering helps to grow big souls.   I may be wrong on that one too, since I don’t want more suffering for anybody including myself.   But Revelation talks about the tree of life when the new heaven and new earth are finally here.  Its leaves are for the healing of the nations.  Does that mean that complete healing happens in the after life?  Not sure.  Maybe.   I do think that that healing is available now at least in part as the kingdom that will last forever is here as well.   The kingdom of the little egos and big souls.  That is where the life is, I believe.  That is where the life is.

ya know

ya know.  I have been worried about Trump because he most assuredly has a personality disorder so that is concerning that the president of the USA is that fucked up.   But I am encouraged that pretty much the whole world especially the Chinese are making fun of him and narcs DO NOT LIKE being made fun of.  So I am thinking that he will disintegrate pretty soon.   So I think sooner or later hopefully sooner he will go down…..

urgent concern!!!!!!!!!!!

urgent concern!!!
Dear Friends,
I along with many other health care professionals believe that our commander and chief has a disorder called, Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I urge you to contact your representatives in congress as I have if you are concerned. While President Obama was in office three well known Psychiatrists expressed this same concern and urged him to have the president elect tested for this disorder. It is one thing for someone with NPD to anger his friends. It is another thing for him to anger world powers!!! Please consider contacting your representatives. If you disagree with me I don’t care and I don’t want to hear about it. Keep it to yourself.

Salvador Edwards, MDiv, MAMFT, QMHP-C,A

the language of a selfish person

sometimes you have to speak a real selfish person’s language

instead of appealing to their concern for another person

even though that is their job

to be concerned about that person..

you have to say something like

“You think you have problems now?!!!!!!!!

Just wait until such and such happens!!!!!!!!!

You haven’t seen problems until such and such happens!!!!!!”

I wonder…

I wonder what will happen when the world starts to see its narcissism better.  I know for me I am being asked,  I believe, to loving, lovingly, and  lovingly confront some people.  I have tried to just get away from them all but for now anyway that doesn’t seem to be in the cards.  And it probably never will be.


The unifying theme of the battle with narcissism in the scriptures.

Straight away God goes to battle with Adam and Eve casting them out of the garden, then at the tower of Babel.  Moses does battle with Pharoah when the people are set free from their slavery.   The prophets speak to narcissism when they address people’s pride and arrogance and idolatry.  Isaiah says that they fashion an idol in the form of a human and worship it.  King Ahaz  deals with his narcissism by making alliances with other nations instead of trusting God for his help pridefully refusing to ask God for a sign.   In contrast King Hezekiah turns to God by praying in the temple when he is threatened.    God uses the narcissism of Nebekenezer to discipline his people then judges the narcissism of Assyria.  The narcissim of Israel is swallowed up when they are taken off into exile by Assyria in 722 bc and the narcissism of Judah is swollowed up by the Babylonians in 586 bc when they are taken to exile by them and the narcissism of Babylon is then swollowed up by the Persians.

Jesus’ battle is truly a battle with narcissists.   As the legitimate Son of God he challenges the narcissism of the Emperor which results in the persecution of the church in later years.    By refusing to go along with the agenda of the religious leaders of the day he prophetically resists their narcissistic desire to take on the emperor and prophesies the fall of Israel as a result of the people’s arrogant narcissism.   The narcissism of the evil one conspires within the narcissist of the people involved and Jesus triumphs over this evil in his death and resurrection.   Paul in Corinthians advices his readers to not glorify any person including himself other than Christ and speaks  to his readers as those who are not the narcissists of society and his self deprecating way of speaking is a sign of his small ego in desiring to be filled completely in his union with Christ.  One can also understand the loss he refers to in Philippians three as the loss of his narcissism that frees him to know Christ.

When I began to see this I could see it in people I have known, know and even within


shalom ya’ll,


you gotta see it

Addictions like narcissists like to hide.

Although unlike addictions narcissists don’t know they are hiding

Its just what they do.

Its called denial right.

For me I didn’t want to admit I was an alcoholic until I believed for sure that it was true.

So hp helped me with that since that wasn’t possible for me to see on my own

And I think god/hp likes to hide.

Many many things like deism our own narcissism contributes to hp hiding

Mine even does it himself for whatever reason.

The trick in all this is to see it.

To see the hp, to see the narcissist to see the addiction.

And for that I have needed my hp

Just sayin…

And oh by the way if any of my ex’s family is reading this,

She’s a narcissist

Just saying……