the sword that makes war

I came not to make peace but to bring a sword

that there will be war in your own family

That is what he said and I understand it.

My children do not see the hypocrisy,

mental illness, cold heartedness and manipulation in our family.

I want their eyes to see it

and they don’t like me very much for it.

But that is ok with me.

Because when he came

He declared  a jihad

on all that stuff!!!

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Sometimes we are tested not to show our weaknesses but to discover our strengths. Author unknown

Trouble is always a faith test for me that I loose a lot it seems.   Here is more trouble just like I expected.  See why trust a higher power that has brought so much of this?   Because just more of the same is on the way….  Talked to my sponsor today about steps 1-3.

My sponsor read this from chapter 5 in the Big Book:

(a)That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.

(b)That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.

(c)That God could and would if He were sought.

 

A, B and C cooresponding ?sp to steps one, two and three.

What stuck out to me is the positive nature of C.  Higher power person wants to relieve me of this burden and actually did since part of me believes that and it is past tense right now.  That flies on the face of my false belief that says, more shit is in store, don’t even bother because more shit is in store.   See I am not really sure what my understanding of a higher power is because I quit trying to understand.  So putting my life in the care of the god of my understanding doesn’t really help a whole lot.  But BW seems to talk about a higher power who wants good for us not bad.  I like that.

Also, I consider that that belief does not just come from going through hell, but was instilled and supported by parents and a spouse who were narcissistic.  No matter what happened in the past that may support that belief, I was the narcs supply meaning all of their negative shit about themselves was projected onto me.  That is really where that belief comes from I think even more than the past.  And if it is a false belief a lie that was told to me reflecting another person’s view of themselves, then it really is not about me at all.  So if I think shit is in store, that is the narcissistic lie I am believing even more than the bad shit that has happened.  Make sense?  Well it does to me 🙂

The truth is I deserve a shot at a good life, one that is meaningful to me and my own form of happiness just like that next person and should expect it just like the next person.  All the clients who ever came to see me wanted to be happier in some form or another, and I said in so many words, of course you do.  What is keeping you from that?  Ok, lets go to work…  that is natural for us humans to want and maybe it was put there by a higher power who wants us to be happy and maybe even is him/herself happy, despite all the pain that fills the world, there is more than pain, there is joy even and especially for the poorest of the poor it comes to my mind.

What is the chief end of humanity says the confession?  To glorify god and ENJOY him forever.   Enjoyment, joy is the chief end of humanity our raison d’etre, according to the confession.  Not misery, not pain, not endless suffering.

So the quote I started with says to me, discovering my strength is discovering the truth about me, my higher power, and what is true about the vast majority or maybe even everyone.  We all want to be happy.  My trouble is an opportunity to see that good not bad can and should be what is expected.

I thought too about the postive nature of the third step prayer where it says remove our difficulties that by doing that others can see that this stuff really really works, my paraphrase.   Not even help me endure them but remove them.  Just like you took away the oppression of addiction take away these other things that are tying me down too.

Then there are the 9th step promises.  “If were are painstaking about this phase of our development we will be amazed before we are halfway through.  We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.  We will not regret that past nor wish to shut the door on it.  We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.  No matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see how our experience can benefit others.  That feeling of uselessness and self pity will dissappear…….Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.  Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. ”  Nothing negative about any of that and when this stuff starts happening, we realize that god is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.  God wants all that good stuff to happen in our lives.

Anyway, this was big for me to think about.  Grateful to have a good sponsor who helped get me thinking in the right direction.  That’s all I got for now.

Maybe one day I will edit before I post…maybe not….lolllllllll

Shalom ya’ll

Salvador

good stuff

Don’t know about you but I am not always able to interpret my heart.  Like why has it been so weighed down?   Been sick, yada yada yada but I am pretty sure now it has to do with the revelation not too long ago that my ex is narcissistic.   So therefore I have lived with narcissists my whole life.   Read a book on the subject recently and cried really hard.   That may have been my conformation can’t remember actually.   But it is really good to know if you know what I mean.   With a good counselor, this weight has an end date and I know what it is and what to do about.  I rarely have that kind of clarity.   Hope this guy knows what he’s doing, gaslighting cognitive dissonace this guy needs to know what those things are.  I will ask of course.   Saw him once and he did pretty good.   Asked a lot of questions to start getting the lay of my land like I would have done.  But I need to trust someone too and I have more of a problem with that than I thought.   Need to trust the beautiful universe too that healing is imminent for me as my spirit says that it is.   What an amazing feeling!   Really amazing.    As a therapist I  would help people heal and think when is it going to be my turn.  Knock on wood, I think my turn as arrived.   What will I be like afterwards, not sure but it will be good I am sure of that.   And to remind myself that this process has already started, taking care of myself along the way, letting people care about me, being ok that I really care about others and not pathologizing that, hearing someone criticize one of my current relationships and then being able to say to myself, it is a really good relationship and no matter how long it lasts I will be a better person for it and hopefully she will too, thanks to understanding cognitive dissonance, starting to hear the inner critic and being able to start to say to him, you are full of shit and really believing that and not letting him keep me confused, knowing that these strong reactions do not mean I am screwed up but are very very normal after the hell I have been through and that any normal person would have reacted the way I did to constant devaluing, giving myself a break regarding the things I have done to check out for a while just to cope with….whatever that was.    So onward and upward:)

Shalom,

ya’ll