I can’t go there I don’t think. That was the reward for my devotion? I can’t think that way. My mind wants to understand, to hear the reason. Two families neither of them normal no chance to be a normal kid or to be a normal husband and father in a normal family, wtf? I can’t let myself go there I don’t think.
I have to let it go and be grateful for the present. I am recovering. I am in recovery. Not drinking, less self reliant, my head quieter than it used to be, the fatigue less crushing. Not wanting to die. Believing I will have a chance at a normal love relationship. Knowing that before, I had eyes to see into people and now those eyes are sharper. Believing that that is not a gift given in vain. Knowing that others have been blessed by that and that more will in the future. Feeling the privilege of having those eyes. Having a faith that is no fucking joke no fucking joke at all, but grounded in day to day reality. That reality needs to be feared less now than ever as it is perfectly ok with me that I am not enough and don’t have to be and never needed to be and never will be. Believing that I am a imperfect, dependent creature living in a world with a lot of other imperfect, dependent creatures. Having a confidence without self as the source, something I have always wanted.
Maybe I can stop asking what has happened. People have been saying, forget the past. And I have been thinking, you don’t understand. Well my hp says stuff I don’t want to hear sometimes. Speaking through this very imperfect man that I know. So maybe he can use me too in all my imperfection. Recovery, taking control of one’s life and the direction in which you want that life to go. Not sure how much control I am taking but good things are happening and that means necessarily that I am moving on getting on with the show, getting better, healing, progressing, all those good words and that because of my past and my wounds I will have something really good to give, hopefully will be more empowered to help others recover. And that’s it for me that is it. Helping is its own reward and I will be happy with more of that, happy indeed :).