what happened?

I can’t go there I don’t think.   That was the reward for my devotion?   I can’t think that way.  My mind wants to understand, to hear the reason.  Two families neither of them normal no chance to be a normal kid or to be a normal husband and father in a normal family, wtf?  I can’t let myself go there I don’t think.

I have to let it go and be grateful for the present.  I am recovering.  I am in recovery.  Not drinking, less self reliant, my head quieter than it used to be, the fatigue less crushing.  Not wanting to die.   Believing I will have a chance at a normal love relationship.  Knowing that before,  I had eyes to see into people and now those eyes are sharper.  Believing that that is not a gift given in vain.  Knowing that others have been blessed by that and that more will in the future.  Feeling the privilege of having those eyes.   Having a faith that is no fucking joke no fucking joke at all,  but grounded in day to day reality.   That reality needs to be feared less now than ever as it is perfectly ok with me that I am not enough and don’t have to be and never needed to be and never will be.  Believing that I am a imperfect, dependent creature living in a world with a lot of other imperfect, dependent creatures.   Having a confidence without self as the source, something I have always wanted.

Maybe I can stop asking what has happened.   People have been saying, forget the past.  And I have been thinking, you don’t understand.  Well my hp says stuff I don’t want to hear sometimes.  Speaking through this very imperfect man that I know.   So maybe he can use me too in all my imperfection.  Recovery, taking control of one’s life and the direction in which you want that life to go.   Not sure how much control I am taking but good things are happening and that means necessarily that I am moving on getting on with the show, getting better, healing, progressing, all those good words and that because of my past and my wounds I will have something really good to give, hopefully will be more empowered to help others recover.  And that’s it for me that is it.  Helping is its own reward and I will be happy with more of that, happy indeed :).

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good stuff

Don’t know about you but I am not always able to interpret my heart.  Like why has it been so weighed down?   Been sick, yada yada yada but I am pretty sure now it has to do with the revelation not too long ago that my ex is narcissistic.   So therefore I have lived with narcissists my whole life.   Read a book on the subject recently and cried really hard.   That may have been my conformation can’t remember actually.   But it is really good to know if you know what I mean.   With a good counselor, this weight has an end date and I know what it is and what to do about.  I rarely have that kind of clarity.   Hope this guy knows what he’s doing, gaslighting cognitive dissonace this guy needs to know what those things are.  I will ask of course.   Saw him once and he did pretty good.   Asked a lot of questions to start getting the lay of my land like I would have done.  But I need to trust someone too and I have more of a problem with that than I thought.   Need to trust the beautiful universe too that healing is imminent for me as my spirit says that it is.   What an amazing feeling!   Really amazing.    As a therapist I  would help people heal and think when is it going to be my turn.  Knock on wood, I think my turn as arrived.   What will I be like afterwards, not sure but it will be good I am sure of that.   And to remind myself that this process has already started, taking care of myself along the way, letting people care about me, being ok that I really care about others and not pathologizing that, hearing someone criticize one of my current relationships and then being able to say to myself, it is a really good relationship and no matter how long it lasts I will be a better person for it and hopefully she will too, thanks to understanding cognitive dissonance, starting to hear the inner critic and being able to start to say to him, you are full of shit and really believing that and not letting him keep me confused, knowing that these strong reactions do not mean I am screwed up but are very very normal after the hell I have been through and that any normal person would have reacted the way I did to constant devaluing, giving myself a break regarding the things I have done to check out for a while just to cope with….whatever that was.    So onward and upward:)

Shalom,

ya’ll

I had this dream

I had this dream last night.  I was at the grocery store and I had got some rewards I was going to cash in.  So I went up to the counter and the lady said here’s how to get your rewards and you are gorgeous btw.   I walked away smiling.   The other day I saw an eagle fly right over my head while I was thinking about getting counseling and getting free from how I have been abused by narcissists.

Today I was in a meeting where we were talking about family members and this guy shared how he has gotten free from the desire to drink and it has been over four years since he had a drink.

What is all this?    The other day I was reading about narcissistic abuse and went on facebook and read something about prayer and asked my hp to take away the depression fatigue and right after I cried really really hard and felt some release.

Yesterday I had a terrible work experience but today I am ok.   I will just go to work tomorrow and I don’t think that I will be worried about it although I have a hard time with people right now.

I honestly believe that what is so beautiful about me right now is that my hp is setting me free.   Maybe I will start feeling like he is my home his love through his presence and other people in my life.    I felt the care for others in that meeting today.  People just saying where they were and other people respecting what they had to say.

So it looks like freedom is on the way.   Freedom from worry and feeling like it is all up to me.  It can’t be all up to me.  I am really hoping that when I really feel better and have more energy I won’t go back to it is all up to me to get jobs and money and all that shit.   I don’t think there is any peace in that.   I think I get the peace I do get from my hp and if I go back to it is all up to me it won’t work.

Grateful today for this now and not yet freedom.   Freedom to love and be loved.   I think that is what it boils down to for me.   There is no real love in narcissism not real love.  But I have known real love from hp and from others going all the way back to my childhood.   I thought I didn’t know what it felt like but I think I do.  I know the feeling of another’s presence that is hard to describe.   Too wonderful to describe yet ordinary and subtle at the same time, to have times when everything is ok and when it doesn’t feel like it is I would like to start thinking that he will come back and it will feel like that again.

Shalom,

ya’ll

ya’ll

Ya’ll yesterday I was working in a subdivision and a bald eagle flew right over my head at the exact same time I was wondering what to do about my distress.  Right, it was the promise of freedom.  Today I worked with this guy named Rufus and we agreed that we would work together for a while.  I was telling him about all my worries and he said something about god that I can’t remember.  I remember saying that my daddy owns the cattle on a thousand hills, I just wish I could trust him more.  This evening I am calmer.  Not too worried about will I sprain my ankle carrying heavy doors and stuff over big construction rocks.  Ok that I work construction right now.  Ok that there is a woman I care about who is more sick now than ever.  Just really ok with that.

I said to him, where have you been love?  Of course I didn’t get an answer.  In a meeting the other day a young woman met her higher power when she was outside looking at a lightening bug.  This calm came over her.  That to me is the powerful calm that holds everything together.  I heard a number of stories in the same meeting of things happening like that.  Of a someone orchestrating events in their lives that they could not explain.  I am about ready to give up trying to figure out and understand and just accept.  Accept that I care for her.  Accept that for me anyway this person is not ready to come down and make everything right even though that is what I want and I think that that is what I am supposed to want that he delays for some reason maybe until more people want a higher power and are willing to say, uncle.   I can’t carry the weight of the world around on my shoulders any more.  It is just too much.  Shit isn’t going to happen when I want it to, but when and if it is supposed to.  And that the present is not a bad place to be really sitting here with shit all over my floor.  Everything I own in this room because what I own really doesn’t matter to me all that much and it never has mattered all that much.  And right now I know some beautiful people.  An older man in a truck speaking words of life to me today.   Someone who finally just lets me love them and doesn’t run away, doesn’t ask a lot of stupid questions, goes through hell and doesn’t complain.  People in meetings talking about the miracle of staying sober.  Some who don’t have any angle.  They just want to help the next sick and suffering alcoholic.   Right here in this room where right now everything is as it should be.

“accepting hardship as a pathway to peace”

That means more to me now than it did before.    There is less that I can control than I thought.  And I am more ok with that now.   Checking out of reality does not work any more.  I just doesn’t so welcome to reality and maybe reality is not the awful thing that I  like to think that it is.   So my catastrophyzer ?sp, needs to slow down and the only way I know to do that is to say come what may I have an inner resource that I can tap into. (see Appendix 2 in the big book about spiritual experience)   So I think my faith is growing.  I read about how others are able to transcend their pain and get to a place of calm.   Bill Wilson, Paul, Jonathan Edwards, John Calvin.   Those are the people I read and they all say it.   BW says that we have found a faith that works to where we are able to face impossible situations calmly.  wtf.   To me that is real spiritual power.   That is not the opiate of the masses as my doubter would like to think.   As that calm is a gift.   There are times for me when the worries go away and I have an unexplicable calm.    It does not come from drugs or anything I am trying to think positive or negative.   There is a peace and confidence that is not from me.   That to me is what it means to tap into the inner resource.

I had a dream

I had a dream.  I was the vice admiral of a battle ship.   There was another battle ship and they were having problems and somehow I knew it was because they were being lazy, like sleeping in and stuff.   The people on my ship wanted to help theirs and I said no,  Iwe could go to war any minute.

So I told my sponsor and he said that you are not very compassionate towards yourself.   Dreams are all about you.   So I think he had a good point.

Also, I think it is about my ego.  I didn’t think I had a big ego but there is a lot of ego there right.   Lately I have been afraid because I am sick and my anxious thoughts are, its all up to me.  I can’t be sick, if I am sick then I won’t work and I will go broke and be homeless.  It is all up to me.  I have trouble believing that my higher power cares about me and that others do too.   Maybe the message here is it is ok to take care of myself because my higher power is in control, not me and as my sponsor says, his plan is not to shit on me.   He cares for me the way a good parent cares for their children.

I have had a hard time because I was homeless 5 times and may have some PTSD so something like this happens and I panic.   The truth is I am feeling better and should be able to go to work tomorrow.  And I want to believe that my higher power cares.   Circumstances are forcing me to believe that because if I don’t then the alternative is relying completely and totally on myself and that is not working.  I have to let my higher power in and let others in and I am starting to do that.   Even when they are not perfect.  I got mad at my sponsor because he said, if you don’t care for yourself then all you can do is care take other people.  I am not void of care for myself.  Otherwise the hell I have gone through would have killed me.   I stood up for myself when my ex wanted to take way legal custody of my daughter from me.  It was hard but I did it.  And I have certainly cared for others.  My love for others cannot be discounted as pathological care taking.

It seems to me that I have to trust my higher power’s love and care for me more.  I think that that is the issue.  Otherwise it is all up to me and to let others in and let them care for me as well as my higher power cares for me through other people as imperfect as it is he is still loving me in and through them.

I want to say the hell with AA sometimes but they are just regular people right!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I don’t need to judge them and I think I do sometimes.  Everyone in AA, I think anyway, wants me to stay sober and that needs to be good enough for me.

maybe there’s a loving god by Sara Groves

I’m trying to work things out
I’m trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result
Of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars in the sky
I have another meeting today
With my new counselor
My mom will cry and say
I don’t know what to do with her
She’s so unresponsive
I just cannot break through
She spends all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon
They have a chart and a graph
Of my despondency
They want to chart a path
For self-recovery
And want to know what I’m thinking
What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon
Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back
In the middle of a field
Maybe that’s a selfish thought
Or maybe there’s a loving God
Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason
And to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving God
Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back
In the middle of a field
Maybe that’s a selfish thought
Or maybe there’s a loving God
Maybe I was mad this way
To think and to reason
And to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving God
And that may be a foolish thought
Or maybe there is a God
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving God
Every day someone walks into a meeting with this somewhere inside of them..

In honor of those who still struggle

In the Lord of the Rings a hobbit was entrusted with the destruction of the ring, as opposed to kings and all powerful wizards.   In his effort to destroy the ring he could not resist putting it on and in the end he succumbed to its power, only to have it bitten off and destroyed.   When Aragon was inaugurated as King he did not chastise Frodo for his weakness and constant relapsing but honored him for his courage and fortitude.   When it was time for him to take his throne he stopped and did not sit down.  Instead he summoned Frodo up and had Frodo take his throne and all who were there honored him for the hero that he was.    May we honor those who still struggle to destroy their rings in the same way.

Salvador Edwards

to concede in the innermost self

That is what BW says you have to do to stop drinking, to concede in the innermost self that you have a problem with alcohol.  I have heard people shout that in meetings with the message, you haven’t done this yet and this is what you have to do.   That was not very helpful to me.  But I have thought what that means to me and what it means to me is that my heart needed to know I had a problem because my head could not figure it out.

At first when my heart or innermost self or whatever you want to call it knew. It scared me.   I did some reading in a book that helped me with this where the author was saying there is a lot we don’t understand that we have to take in faith.  It got me thinking that my heart believes things that my mind does not understand or that does not make sense to my mind and I usually think that if it is not reasonable or can’t be explained or argued reasonably than it can’t be true.   Me being the good product of post-enlightenment reason worship.

So it really scared me that my reason is defenseless against the first drink and I think it still is.  I wonder of the above guy thinks that reason has to be satisfied.  Maybe his does but my won’t be and that has scared me a lot but less so now that I did the reading I did today.  Probably the most important things I believe right now are not reasonable and I resisted believing them for a long time because they were not reasonable.  I actually think the most important things in life to me I take by faith.  I write that and I think, that just can’t be true but maybe it is.  So in that sense faith is not a crutch to me but what I need to stay alive and live in a world that for me much of it makes no sense.

I guess I could be reasonably hopeful about things but circumstances do not always lend themselves to a reasonable hope.   So I am ok now with something inside of me knows that I have this problem.  I think that was what BW was saying about himself as well.   Read his story, he could make the greatest argument for why he shouldn’t drink sitting at a bar and then take a drink.  One guy said to him I cannot believe you just told me all that and you are about to take a drink.  I bet he could not either.   Alcohol was bigger than his reason and if it is bigger than mine than that’s ok.  Not to be feared as long as I keep listening to my inner most self and not my reason.

shalom ya’ll

Salvador

just for today

I can meditate with my dog.

I have a job.

I have transportation.

I have a roof over my head.

I can eat healthy:  blueberries, veggies and not drink.

The last being what I am grateful for the most.

And that I found my way into the rooms.

I can support others in their recovery.

I can enjoy the nice weather and read.

I believe my hp is with me.

At least more than I used to believe that.

That I believe that my hp and others care.

That is a miracle as yesterday I did not believe that.

I believe there is good in the worst and some bad in the best of us.

There is something good and beautiful in every situation and person.

I don’t need to give others advice.

I will probably not drink or drug.

I am free  (dannannannna)      lol

That last part is the jukebox in my head.

I have a jukebox in my head.

Along with some other really crazy shit.    🙂

One of my friends used to call me, whack job.

That is until he pissed me off and I quit talking to him.

Told you I was crazy…………

I will not eat green eggs and ham…….

I will admire a beautiful woman.

If I am lucky enough to see one……..