ya’ll

Ya’ll yesterday I was working in a subdivision and a bald eagle flew right over my head at the exact same time I was wondering what to do about my distress.  Right, it was the promise of freedom.  Today I worked with this guy named Rufus and we agreed that we would work together for a while.  I was telling him about all my worries and he said something about god that I can’t remember.  I remember saying that my daddy owns the cattle on a thousand hills, I just wish I could trust him more.  This evening I am calmer.  Not too worried about will I sprain my ankle carrying heavy doors and stuff over big construction rocks.  Ok that I work construction right now.  Ok that there is a woman I care about who is more sick now than ever.  Just really ok with that.

I said to him, where have you been love?  Of course I didn’t get an answer.  In a meeting the other day a young woman met her higher power when she was outside looking at a lightening bug.  This calm came over her.  That to me is the powerful calm that holds everything together.  I heard a number of stories in the same meeting of things happening like that.  Of a someone orchestrating events in their lives that they could not explain.  I am about ready to give up trying to figure out and understand and just accept.  Accept that I care for her.  Accept that for me anyway this person is not ready to come down and make everything right even though that is what I want and I think that that is what I am supposed to want that he delays for some reason maybe until more people want a higher power and are willing to say, uncle.   I can’t carry the weight of the world around on my shoulders any more.  It is just too much.  Shit isn’t going to happen when I want it to, but when and if it is supposed to.  And that the present is not a bad place to be really sitting here with shit all over my floor.  Everything I own in this room because what I own really doesn’t matter to me all that much and it never has mattered all that much.  And right now I know some beautiful people.  An older man in a truck speaking words of life to me today.   Someone who finally just lets me love them and doesn’t run away, doesn’t ask a lot of stupid questions, goes through hell and doesn’t complain.  People in meetings talking about the miracle of staying sober.  Some who don’t have any angle.  They just want to help the next sick and suffering alcoholic.   Right here in this room where right now everything is as it should be.

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Brother’s Keeper

Now the plummer’s got a drip in his spigot
The mechanic’s got a clank in his car
And the preacher’s thinking thoughts that are wicked
And the lover’s got a lonely heart
My friends ain’t the way I wish they were
They are just the way they are

And I will be my brother’s keeper
Not the one who judges him
I won’t despise him for his weakness
I won’t regard him for his strength
I won’t take away his freedom
I will help him learn to stand
And I will, I will be my brother’s keeper

Now this roof has got a few missing shingles
But at least we got ourselves a roof
And they say that she’s a fallen angel
I wonder if she recalls when she last flew
There’s no point in pointing fingers
Unless you’re pointing to the truth

And I will be my brother’s keeper
Not the one who judges him
I won’t despise him for his weakness
I won’t regard him for his strength
I won’t take away his freedom
I will help him learn to stand
And I will, I will be my brother’s keeper

I will be my brother’s keeper
Not the one who judges him
I won’t despise him for his weakness
I won’t regard him for his strength
I won’t take away his freedom
I will help him learn to stand
And I will, I will be my brother’s keeper  by Rich Mullins

I wonder…

I wonder what will happen when the world starts to see its narcissism better.  I know for me I am being asked,  I believe, to loving, lovingly, and  lovingly confront some people.  I have tried to just get away from them all but for now anyway that doesn’t seem to be in the cards.  And it probably never will be.

 

what to do about a narcissist

if you  are asking that question, what do I do about this person or maybe what is wrong with me.  You are probably in a relationship with a narcissist.

So rule number one, if you are then run like hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    Any other advice you don’t like on here refer to rule number one.  If you can’t run like hell because you are so weighed down with guilt and depression then walk as fast as you can 🙂    Once you get some distance between you and them you will start to feel better in no time.   If you find that you are a narcissist magnet then try moving to Mars.   That’s right mars.  Your friends won’t follow you there since its too damn cold and there will be no one there to admire them there.   If you wonder if some of their narcissism rubbed off on you, it probably did.  You can use that to your advantage but joining the narcissistic part of you with that part if them.  That will really mess with their brain.   Well I guess its time for me to get my beauty rest 🙂   bon nuit toute les monde.

prayers

I asked for prayers from my  facebook friends today.  I said, pray as you feel led whatever comes to you, without telling them anything.   Just having people I have known at different times joined in lifting me up to the light is, well I don’t have words…why I waited so long shows that I still have a ways to go….any of you all are welcome to join them…….I just have a strong sense that  what is presently required of me….is in no way in my power.  In AA we call it the gift of desperation and this gift has descended on me in spades 6 months into my sobriety.  I guess it comes when it comes…….

shalom ya’ll

 

 

 

 

 

where are all the healthy people?

where are they?  I am just asking.  I have worked with a lot of adults who don’t act very mature.  So am I saying I am?  I don’t know.  This is my blog ok……………….I am just saying when i was in the counseling clinic I was surrounded by a lot of people who knew something about it and were helping other people get more healthy.  Since that time I have never been in an environment like that again and I miss it.  I miss being around people who know something about what healthy means and are helping people do that.  It is possible ya know to tell someone how you feel without hurting them…to say I am angry with you instead of venting it on that person and hurting them… it is possible..it is possible to go to the person who bothers you instead of triangling with another person because i/ you don’t want to talk to the person who bothers you.  It is possible to be honest with a person and say, this job is not for you, verses forcing them out of the job by making them miserable….it is possible i think that relationships aren’t hard work all the time because you actually enjoy the person and most of the time your interactions are positive with each other.  you know the 5 to 1 rule.  In a healthy relationship there should be five positive interactions for every one negative.  so healthy doesn’t mean perfect it just means that most of the time things are positive.  It is possible that two people enjoy each other most of the time instead of drifting apart because they are busy with their life and the kids and low and behold they have not gone out on a date in 5 years and now they don’t like each other and they fight all the time or there is just nothing and they don’t talk anymore.   It is possible to be solution not problem oriented and when there is a problem people aren’t pointing fingers or playing the blame game, they just say..ok how are we going to solve this….it is possible that you are not the problem nor am I but the problems is over there and we will both decided together how to solve it.  It is possible that finances is our problem and we can work together to figure out how to solve it.   It is possible that the problem with most couples is the way they interaction WITH EACH OTHER, verses one or the other person being the problem in the relationship.  last time I checked it always takes two to tango.    It is possible that my addiction isn’t about you and what I am doing to you but this problem that I have.  It is possible that two strong people are there to know each other and meet each others needs because that is what makes them happy.   It is possible that power is not to get others to do what you want them to do but to empower and serve other people with.   It is possible that what makes me most happy is helping others whether I get something out of it or not!   All of this and more is possible I believe…It is possible to let go of your will to punish another person and forgive…..just saying all this is possible I believe….It is possible that parents are not mad at their children but just give them the right consequences where the child changes their behavior.  It is possible that the greatest and most effective law that was ever written is the law of love….it is possible that everybody is beautiful and that their beauty is the most important thing about them, the most important thing, not what is wrong with them and that they are most helped when someone says…damn you are beautiful….let me tell you about it for a while….

 

i already have a daddy……

I think I figured out something….in recovery I have been having a problem with the way some people talk to me and if you ask them they would say the problem is him.  But I think the problem is that some of these folks talk to me like a child.  I already have a daddy.  They may say, but you are acting like a child.  Well to me that is not the point.  Any adult no matter how they are acting wants to be treated like an adult.  Transactional Analysis is the counseling theory that addresses this issue.  TA says we relate to each other as parent, adult and child and that problems occur when two adults are relating to each other in one of the other roles.  Most common is that an adult is relating to another adult in the parent/child role.  The adult doesn’t like it because they are an adult….make sense?  well it does to me.

what I didn’t know and what I do know.

 

What I didn’t know was that I am just as much a worshiper of myself and reason and knowledge as the next person.   Maybe more precisely I was trying to worship my higher power yet trusting in reason and knowledge.   Hard not to after humanity jerked god off the throne of the world during the Enlightenment and put himself and reason up there.  Afterwards we trusted what we knew, what we could prove to be true.   Our strategies and plans fueled by will power became god.   But I have been lucky.  I was made an alcoholic and was led to meetings where I was led to stop drinking, thus scrambling my brain all to hell and back!!!!!   For the first time I knew my mind was untrustworthy, filled with all these defenses against my problem..if I got close to the truth I just became confused.  I was told the smartest people have the most trouble accepting this.  Why?  because for us all of a sudden what we think we know cannot be trusted. wtf.  wtf.  What was going on in my head didn’t make sense.  That I was an alcoholic didn’t make sense.  My thoughts and feelings were screwed.  I was told things like no one can tell  you you are an alcoholic you have to discover that on your own.   And it seems like I had to come to that realization with no help whatsoever from any reasonable part of me.  That is the best I know how to say it.  Now I know that I am an alcoholic.    Before I didn’t and I don’t even know how I know.  I guess I heard enough people going through what I seemed to be going through or they went through it and the only label that fits with this experience is an alcoholic going through withdrawal and the only major thing I changed was to stop drinking long enough and to feel bat shit crazy and to hear other people who felt the same way because the thing they changed was to stop drinking.

There is a lot I don’t seem to know:  exactly how to do this thing called not checking out and sobriety, exactly how I feel about myself and exactly who I am, how to work the steps and what will happen when I do, what job I should take next iaf ny, what tomorrow will bring, when I will see my daughter next, how long I will live, will I marry again and a whole host of other things I don’t know.

But there is one thing I do know and I think this is the point and how I even know this and what it means and all the ramifications of it…I don’t know.  But, the person who wrote that hymn above, I know that feeling, I know something of what he feels because I feel it too.   I feel it when I read the words and hear it sung or played.   And that is the point.   This relational knowledge the yada kind of knowledge where adam knew eve and she conceived that is the saving and the most real knowledge for me.   What my highter power means to me and how I feel about him is more important, more real and substantial than what I know about him or anyone or anything else.   I worship a person and the grace has been that my head knowledge became completely and totally untrustworthy and worthless to me.   Hopefully, from here on out who I know will be more real and important that what I know.   I am glad I know some things, the people at work are glad that I do too, but how freeing it is to say that I don’t want to trust it anymore since it has been found to come up woefully lacking even when my life was depending on it .   Its freeing to say there is a lot I don’t know but that is ok because of whom I know and the only way to get to where I am going is to do thing things that I know I need to do. But I know how I feel for him and how I know he feels for me and for me right now and hopefully for all of the future that will be enough.