This Peace by Sara Groves

So many words to say, but I’m opting for silence
So many days to live
I thinking I’m sitting this one out
Cause something I’ve been chasing finally stop to let me catch it
Something I’ve been longing for and dreaming about
It’s a whisper in my ear
It’s a shiver up my spine
It’s the gratitude I feel for all that’s right
It’s a mystery appeal that’s been granted me tonight
This peace
It’s something so elusive
Something close but far away
It’s the home that I can’t live in yet somewhere in outer space
And sometimes I barely miss it when I walk into the room
The curtains are still swaying and I feel the air move
And it whispers in my ear and it shivers up my spine
It’s the gratitude I feel for all that’s right
It’s a mystery appeal that’s been granted me tonight
This peace
No time to grab a camera
No time to write it down
Just time enough to breathe it in
And linger
It’s a whisper in my ear
It’s a shiver up my spine
It’s the gratitude I feel for all that’s right
It’s a mystery appeal that’s been granted me tonight
This peace
This peace

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it’s overwhelming

It’s overwhelming, this change.   At the beginning thinking, it does’t matter when some concern or worry came into my head.  And knowing those words have a power I have never experienced before.   Knowing that doubt is about to get swept away by this terrible hurricane.   Knowing that I understand that book now in a new way.   Not wanting to read it.   Where would I start.   So overwhelming I can’t right now.    Him, on my mind all the time.  I never, never, ever could do that before.  Too much ADHD.   Not just on my mind but aware of him all the time.  Knowing that that is what I have wanted all this time but seldom saying it.   Thinking this is permanent is like when I first was relieved of the obsession to drink.   The rest of my life is a long time.   Too much to take in all at one time.   It is one day at a time right?   It is.   This day, this day it will be this way!   Like Johnny Cash when asked what was paradise for him.   He said, this morning, just this morning, having coffee with her.   A love that will not let me go that I have sung about.   I know is real.   Unbelievable.

Salvador Continue reading

him

he’s been there

I just didn’t know it was him

he was talking too

I didn’t know that was him either

he is helping me to see and hear him better

I think

I hardly know what the hell is going on

these days

this kind of experience

i am not used to thinking is real

even though it is what I have always wanted

my whole life

to be close to him

surely he has been here

and I did not recognize him

how can you miss someone

so beautiful?

how can he be here

and be so hard to see?

hard to believe

It was hard to believe that I am an alcoholic.  Me an alcoholic?  Are you crazy.   Even now that thought makes sense to my twisted brain or can make sense if I indulge it, but I do to my own demise.   There was evidence.   Drinking and having horrible experiences and then drinking some more.   The bottom line is that I am and believe that it was revealed to me that I am.   I woke up one morning knowing I was.   There was a settledness where before there was just confusion, a crisis of confusion because I needed to know so I could quit.   And I believe,  a knowing/seeing really that did not come from me.

The same dynamic has been there with, is god real?   Sounds crazy to me saying this question as there seems so much evidence, but a god in this universe where things are going the way they go, stars burn out, and explode sound real different from the hope of a new heaven and new earth.   But why does it have to, the natural way may be the way it goes.  Or will we actually make it until the sun is so hot and big we burn?  Probably not.    I have thought before, if it sounds crazy it just may be true, true about something spiritual that sounds crazy.   I am an alcoholic.   God(s)?  is in this world.  Both have the same crazy sound to me.

Things have happened lately that I have no explanation for other than I was reading this book and a new awareness or a recognition that I had this awareness already,  happened.  It’s hard to explain but things have changed and will continue to and they sound just like what I am reading about in this other book.   And they only make sense in that context.

But my reaction is:   this just can’t be real.   A too good to be true feeling but also and doubting kind of can’t be too.   It’s hard to explain but I know that I have been changed for forever true or not I won’t want to do anything but the things I do.   One of the changes is I want to worship my god now and there is emotion when I do, an emotion like this stuff is really real, but hard to articulate otherwise but definitely tears.    That wasn’t there before and I didn’t make it happen or conjure it up.  Just like I didn’t conjure up waking up one day and being ok that I am an alcoholic and being ok with saying that and really believing it is true.  I don’t think I can trust my brain completely on these things and that is a new one for me…….  I am making progress.  I think that much anyway.   That’s all I got.

Salvador

Mr. Over-thinker

Bonjour,

Je m’appelle ?sp Mr. Over-thinker.  A very significant change occurred for me recently that  I have been over-thinking about I think.  I am running into the limits of my understanding again.  Like I did with alcohol.  My brain got confused when I tried to understand if I had a problem.  I woke up one day and knew that I do.   Doubt is quite the bitch though, quite the bitch.  And I am learning that is where my reason is limited.   And like a good post-deist I trust my reason implicitly to the exclusion of my intuition, gut, and even what my experience, especially what my experience will tell me.   I have a long time though, I believe to decided if it is really real.   In the meantime life goes on.  But in my heart and a fairly good portion of my mind I know that it is real and true.   Truth is a person to me anyway, not any kind of proposition.  The other side is like it is too good to be true.   Something that I pretty much have wanted my whole life but I did not know what it would be like if it ever occurred.   Someone says this is a new beginning.   Holy Shit!!!  A new beginning?  New beginning has been my fing middle name lately.  Anyway, the path ahead for me is unknown but it has become a sweet path.  I need to listen to my heart more and less of my head less, for sure.   I told a client, trust yourself more than you trust anyone else’ opinion about you and what you should do.   That works for me anyway, and given my past that is absolutely necessary for me.  But here I struggle with it. It is about trusting myself I think. (Much for me comes for narcissistic abuse, still.)   There is not much on the outside to confirm it.  My heart says, my love is closer to me.  That all of that hell was a factor in this result.  If you are going through hell don’t give up until you get to the gifts on the other side.  Yeah, it took a long time for me too.  And we have no idea how many people we bless along the way, no idea,  how many people see us fighting and don’t give up.   And for me, the unseen things, that have carried me along.  And I do not say that lightly or flippantly but with a deep sense of its veracity, far deep than before.   Love, joy and peace to you all!

Salvador

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I guess by now you know what has happened.

Strangely you may know no sorrow about it

but only joy, I hope.

Not joy about it but joy about whom you know

and can see with your very own eyes.

That is what I am thinking, anyway.

I am not angry or resentful.

As you are a victim too

Like so many others before us.

I believe that you are doing what I am doing

with him.

And there is certainly no need to tell you

to keep doing it.

As I imagine it would be quite impossible

for you not to.

Are you now one of the great cloud of witnesses?

like Sasha is?

There is emotion with that question

As I could want nothing more for you

than that.

That is what I am thinking anyway.

See you soon dear.

Salvador

this change

this change

where I am more aware of him now

what does it mean?

I think I have no idea what it means, yet

I seem to be able to listen better

maybe to think better

to praise better

to understand

what was hard to understand before

better

I don’t want to do anything to mess it up

concerned like they were

when AA began

this being a work of grace

like that one I believe

but things he changed before

never went back

this one won’t either

hopefully 🙂

I did not make it

it is making me

the way I have wanted to be

the desire of my heart

this is some kind of mojo!

all I can think is

this is some kind of mojo!

some kind of exquisitely beautiful

mojo

by Salvador Edwards

this mother’s day

This mothers day I remember my mom who passed not too long ago.  Grief has been weird, a depressed kind of sadness, trouble concentration, that started days if not weeks before I knew that she was terminal.   I did not expect to feel anything as she was narcissistic.  My brother became a monster narc.  I did not thank god.   My prayer for her has been that her spirit is now healed of that, that she can worship her higher power where she could not before from the heart, I don’t think.  That has helped to let go of any animosity.  I will do something similar when my dad goes I suppose.

Salvador

Silence

There are other words for this, solitude, contemplation.  For me the best way to describe it is feeling god’s presence.  I have read on the subject, not exhaustively but it seems conspicuous by its absence to me that it is never described this way by people like, Thomas a Kempis, Henri Nouwen, Richard Foster and others.   From what they say when they write that is what is happening for them from what I can tell but never put in those terms.   That was how it was described for me by someone way back in college and when I heard that it is possible to feel god’s presence I wanted to very much.

The scriptures are FULL though of talk about god’s presence.   Moses saying that he and the people might as well just stay where they are in the desert unless god’s presence goes with them.   That is how much it meant to Moses.    When I hear the phrase knowing god or know the lord that is what it means to me.   And it means legitimately a lot of other things to other people.  I do think that some get away with intellectualizing the scriptures when a real experiential relationship with god is described, where the dynamics of relationships with other people is a much better way of describing, in my opinion, what they are talking about than knowing stuff about god or the bible.   The evil one knows a lot about him, has seen him in his unveiled glory yet despises him, something I cannot imagine but I think that is true.

 

Anyway, that is the experience of silence from my point of view.

Shalom,

Salvador