sometimes I wonder but I think there is..

Maybe There’s a Loving God

by Sara Groves

I’m trying to work things out
I’m trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result
Of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars in the sky

I have another meeting today
With my new counselor
My mom will cry and say
I don’t know what to do with her
She’s so unresponsive
I just cannot break through
She spends all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon

They have a chart and a graph
Of my despondency
They want to chart a path
For self-recovery
And want to know what I’m thinking
What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that’s a selfish thought
Or maybe there’s a loving God

Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving God

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that’s a selfish thought
Or maybe there’s a loving God

Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving God

And that may be a foolish thought
Or maybe there is a God
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving God

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when I heard

when I heard you could listen

I didn’t want to speak any more

There are books on speaking

I don’t read very many

Because when I heard you could listen

I didn’t want to speak any more

tears.

Salvador

I’ve wondered

I’ve wondered and have been worried about this new medicine.  I makes me nervous and even angry sometimes but also happier.   But if being more happy can help make others more happy then I can deal with the other stuff I suppose.  Besides worry isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be 🙂

“God, I offer myself to Thee To build with me & to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy love & Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always.” The Third Step Prayer by Bill Wilson.

“Offer your bodies as a living sacrifice holy and acceptable to god..”  Paul

Salvador

the sword that makes war

I came not to make peace but to bring a sword

that there will be war in your own family

That is what he said and I understand it.

My children do not see the hypocrisy,

mental illness, cold heartedness and manipulation in our family.

I want their eyes to see it

and they don’t like me very much for it.

But that is ok with me.

Because when he came

He declared  a jihad

on all that stuff!!!

“And we are put on earth a little space, That we may learn to bear the beams of love” William Blake

For me it is easier to have it and feel it for others

than it is for me to receive it

Just being honest

Maybe one day that will be different

idk

If not the awareness of his and other’s presence

is enough

I do think I am doing what I was put here to do

to love.

Salvador Edwards

Sometimes we are tested not to show our weaknesses but to discover our strengths. Author unknown

Trouble is always a faith test for me that I loose a lot it seems.   Here is more trouble just like I expected.  See why trust a higher power that has brought so much of this?   Because just more of the same is on the way….  Talked to my sponsor today about steps 1-3.

My sponsor read this from chapter 5 in the Big Book:

(a)That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.

(b)That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.

(c)That God could and would if He were sought.

 

A, B and C cooresponding ?sp to steps one, two and three.

What stuck out to me is the positive nature of C.  Higher power person wants to relieve me of this burden and actually did since part of me believes that and it is past tense right now.  That flies on the face of my false belief that says, more shit is in store, don’t even bother because more shit is in store.   See I am not really sure what my understanding of a higher power is because I quit trying to understand.  So putting my life in the care of the god of my understanding doesn’t really help a whole lot.  But BW seems to talk about a higher power who wants good for us not bad.  I like that.

Also, I consider that that belief does not just come from going through hell, but was instilled and supported by parents and a spouse who were narcissistic.  No matter what happened in the past that may support that belief, I was the narcs supply meaning all of their negative shit about themselves was projected onto me.  That is really where that belief comes from I think even more than the past.  And if it is a false belief a lie that was told to me reflecting another person’s view of themselves, then it really is not about me at all.  So if I think shit is in store, that is the narcissistic lie I am believing even more than the bad shit that has happened.  Make sense?  Well it does to me 🙂

The truth is I deserve a shot at a good life, one that is meaningful to me and my own form of happiness just like that next person and should expect it just like the next person.  All the clients who ever came to see me wanted to be happier in some form or another, and I said in so many words, of course you do.  What is keeping you from that?  Ok, lets go to work…  that is natural for us humans to want and maybe it was put there by a higher power who wants us to be happy and maybe even is him/herself happy, despite all the pain that fills the world, there is more than pain, there is joy even and especially for the poorest of the poor it comes to my mind.

What is the chief end of humanity says the confession?  To glorify god and ENJOY him forever.   Enjoyment, joy is the chief end of humanity our raison d’etre, according to the confession.  Not misery, not pain, not endless suffering.

So the quote I started with says to me, discovering my strength is discovering the truth about me, my higher power, and what is true about the vast majority or maybe even everyone.  We all want to be happy.  My trouble is an opportunity to see that good not bad can and should be what is expected.

I thought too about the postive nature of the third step prayer where it says remove our difficulties that by doing that others can see that this stuff really really works, my paraphrase.   Not even help me endure them but remove them.  Just like you took away the oppression of addiction take away these other things that are tying me down too.

Then there are the 9th step promises.  “If were are painstaking about this phase of our development we will be amazed before we are halfway through.  We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.  We will not regret that past nor wish to shut the door on it.  We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.  No matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see how our experience can benefit others.  That feeling of uselessness and self pity will dissappear…….Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.  Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. ”  Nothing negative about any of that and when this stuff starts happening, we realize that god is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.  God wants all that good stuff to happen in our lives.

Anyway, this was big for me to think about.  Grateful to have a good sponsor who helped get me thinking in the right direction.  That’s all I got for now.

Maybe one day I will edit before I post…maybe not….lolllllllll

Shalom ya’ll

Salvador

don’t give up

What I used to call my nemesis

isn’t a problem any more

a crushing fatigue that was just there all the time

I have a new job

I’m hopeful

I’ve lived in fight or flight most of my life

That may be changing, maybe

I don’t want to drink anymore

That’s a miracle

I’m honestly speechless that these things seem to be changing

I found out a few months ago why I was scapegoated and blamed for everything.

It can still be hard to believe sometimes.

Others have suffered longer and worse than me.

But no matter what don’t give up.

That’s all I can think to say.

Just don’t give up.

Tears.

by Salvador Edwards

 

Don’t go the the king until you’re ready

Nehemiah was the cup bearer to the king.  The wall around Jerusalem was destroyed and Nehemiah wanted to help.  So he got prepared and appeared before the king.  The king says, Nehemiah, you look distraught.  It could be fatal to look distraught in the king’s presence.  Nehemiah said my heart hurts for my people and the wall is destroyed.  So here is what I want to do.  Nehemiah had spent a long time planning for this moment.  He outlined a plan in meticulous detail for what to do.  The King who had conquered them and took them as slave said to Nehemiah.  You have my blessing to go and help your people and I will supply everything you need.

The guy from the Dodge place called me and said, Mr. Edwards, we still don’t know what is wrong with your truck.  We can get it to start sometimes and the part we got does not work so we need to take it back.  I was angry.  What good is a truck that starts sometimes?!!!!   When you know what is wrong and it is fixed then you can call me.  Who is your King or Queen?  When are you a King of Queen?

trust

the feeling of confidence

that neutralizes the voice that says

the sky is about to fall

that everything is about to go to hell in a handbasket

not always available

not sure why

thinking it will be available

when I start my new job

a gift that can’t be earned

there is no formula to get it

no amount of time spent in the quiet to attain it

a gift

just like his presence is a gift.

maybe it comes when the situation demands it

maybe this situation now

is calling it up

all I know is that

no words are necessary to receive it

at least for me anyway

judgement and aloneness

I forget I forget I forget all the time!!!!   I know that when it comes to other people I can speak to their aloneness words of comfort or whatever but I am not to judge.   Sometimes I think I am doing a person a favor by saying here is what I think is going on with you.  I swear this person has helped me so much.  She has said, dont tell me what is wrong with me or tell me what to do.  As great of a listener I think I am I have done that all the time with her.  If someone needs to change at any given moment it is me, not her.  I say you confuse me by saying one thing and then another.  Well, that doesn’t matter.   That is going on to the judgement side.  I can say, I am here for you if you want me to be.  When it comes to others I can speak to aloneness but when it comes to something they are doing that I don’t like that is none of my business, unless they are intending to hurt me.   I swear I have learned a lot from this person.