I exercised tonight, hard. Haven’t wanted to do that for my whole life, no lie, can’t make this up. I have lived with a feeling of exhaustion and fatigue pretty much the whole time. So I did it anyway and I think I feel ok. All the other times before, just more fatigue. I know I have never met anyone like that either lol. But its true. Wonder how I will feel in the morning and after a grueling day’s work. Not too worried. That is a new one for me. I could get used to that. If it works and I can keep doing it that would be beautiful, just beautiful. That’s my favorite word, beautiful. Know what I mean beautiful? 🙂
the temple to will worship has suffered a fatal blow
there is another temple
one of unspeakable beauty
my job is to keep my eyes on that one
to be transfixed by ITS beauty
it is the one that my heart beholds continuously i believe
my heart says,
this is not just for me you know
that temple loves you and adores you like none other
you are starting to let that in and that is ok
you don’t have to be afraid
it loved you today when Belinda said, Mark I love you.
it loves you in those meetings
you are not enough and you don’t have to be
the voice that says, you have to be enough is a lie
every moment it is there being enough for you when you are not
one day at a time is all that is required
there is only enough manna for one day
that is all there ever has been and all there ever will be
until there is one long day that will never end
and its ok to be afraid to not know what the hell is going on
its not your job to know what the hell is going on
just do your best to behold his beauty like I am doing
you have the rest of your life to practice buddy
it is what you have been looking for all along
the glorious liberation self
to be able to just get a glimpse even for a moment of that temple
is a real gift
many go through their whole lives and never see it once
you have seen it before
and you will see it again, over and over and over again
put your confidence in that pal
put your confidence in that!
you’re ok just the way you are
you always have been
and you always will be
those lies are loosing their power
and grace will be an avalanche
that will drown you, over take you, disarm you and empower you
sweep you into its arms and hold you
you will fall
but you won’t hit the ground hard
remember that dream you had?
grace is happening every moment of every day
just let it happen
that is your job
just let it happen
and know for sure that the temple of unspeakable beauty
is within you and all around you
within you and all around you
within you and all around you
soli deo gloria
by Salvador Edwards
I had this dream last night. I was at the grocery store and I had got some rewards I was going to cash in. So I went up to the counter and the lady said here’s how to get your rewards and you are gorgeous btw. I walked away smiling. The other day I saw an eagle fly right over my head while I was thinking about getting counseling and getting free from how I have been abused by narcissists.
Today I was in a meeting where we were talking about family members and this guy shared how he has gotten free from the desire to drink and it has been over four years since he had a drink.
What is all this? The other day I was reading about narcissistic abuse and went on facebook and read something about prayer and asked my hp to take away the depression fatigue and right after I cried really really hard and felt some release.
Yesterday I had a terrible work experience but today I am ok. I will just go to work tomorrow and I don’t think that I will be worried about it although I have a hard time with people right now.
I honestly believe that what is so beautiful about me right now is that my hp is setting me free. Maybe I will start feeling like he is my home his love through his presence and other people in my life. I felt the care for others in that meeting today. People just saying where they were and other people respecting what they had to say.
So it looks like freedom is on the way. Freedom from worry and feeling like it is all up to me. It can’t be all up to me. I am really hoping that when I really feel better and have more energy I won’t go back to it is all up to me to get jobs and money and all that shit. I don’t think there is any peace in that. I think I get the peace I do get from my hp and if I go back to it is all up to me it won’t work.
Grateful today for this now and not yet freedom. Freedom to love and be loved. I think that is what it boils down to for me. There is no real love in narcissism not real love. But I have known real love from hp and from others going all the way back to my childhood. I thought I didn’t know what it felt like but I think I do. I know the feeling of another’s presence that is hard to describe. Too wonderful to describe yet ordinary and subtle at the same time, to have times when everything is ok and when it doesn’t feel like it is I would like to start thinking that he will come back and it will feel like that again.
Ya’ll yesterday I was working in a subdivision and a bald eagle flew right over my head at the exact same time I was wondering what to do about my distress. Right, it was the promise of freedom. Today I worked with this guy named Rufus and we agreed that we would work together for a while. I was telling him about all my worries and he said something about god that I can’t remember. I remember saying that my daddy owns the cattle on a thousand hills, I just wish I could trust him more. This evening I am calmer. Not too worried about will I sprain my ankle carrying heavy doors and stuff over big construction rocks. Ok that I work construction right now. Ok that there is a woman I care about who is more sick now than ever. Just really ok with that.
I said to him, where have you been love? Of course I didn’t get an answer. In a meeting the other day a young woman met her higher power when she was outside looking at a lightening bug. This calm came over her. That to me is the powerful calm that holds everything together. I heard a number of stories in the same meeting of things happening like that. Of a someone orchestrating events in their lives that they could not explain. I am about ready to give up trying to figure out and understand and just accept. Accept that I care for her. Accept that for me anyway this person is not ready to come down and make everything right even though that is what I want and I think that that is what I am supposed to want that he delays for some reason maybe until more people want a higher power and are willing to say, uncle. I can’t carry the weight of the world around on my shoulders any more. It is just too much. Shit isn’t going to happen when I want it to, but when and if it is supposed to. And that the present is not a bad place to be really sitting here with shit all over my floor. Everything I own in this room because what I own really doesn’t matter to me all that much and it never has mattered all that much. And right now I know some beautiful people. An older man in a truck speaking words of life to me today. Someone who finally just lets me love them and doesn’t run away, doesn’t ask a lot of stupid questions, goes through hell and doesn’t complain. People in meetings talking about the miracle of staying sober. Some who don’t have any angle. They just want to help the next sick and suffering alcoholic. Right here in this room where right now everything is as it should be.
That means more to me now than it did before. There is less that I can control than I thought. And I am more ok with that now. Checking out of reality does not work any more. I just doesn’t so welcome to reality and maybe reality is not the awful thing that I like to think that it is. So my catastrophyzer ?sp, needs to slow down and the only way I know to do that is to say come what may I have an inner resource that I can tap into. (see Appendix 2 in the big book about spiritual experience) So I think my faith is growing. I read about how others are able to transcend their pain and get to a place of calm. Bill Wilson, Paul, Jonathan Edwards, John Calvin. Those are the people I read and they all say it. BW says that we have found a faith that works to where we are able to face impossible situations calmly. wtf. To me that is real spiritual power. That is not the opiate of the masses as my doubter would like to think. As that calm is a gift. There are times for me when the worries go away and I have an unexplicable calm. It does not come from drugs or anything I am trying to think positive or negative. There is a peace and confidence that is not from me. That to me is what it means to tap into the inner resource.
Several years ago I had this vision or picture or whatever of me driving a car and I pulled up beside my higher power and he said get out. Get in the passenger seat and buckle up we are going for a ride. Sometimes it has been like one nightmare after the other although what I thought was the worst, leaving my home has turned out to me ok.
Recently I relapsed, drank once. Once was enough to remind me that it doesn’t work anymore and I am ok with that. But I think what happened was, I started driving again. All I want is a fucking counseling job, how fucking hard is that. I don’t even care about money so why not give me a little more. wtf, wtf, wtf. I think this time I ran into my self-sufficiency. And the horrors I have been through have only reinforced it. No money, no rent, out on the street and I was like, I can’t do that again. I just can’t. But maybe I can if I have to, i don’t know. I really don’t know anymore. I drive around saying to myself I don’t know, and my higher power is talking to me and I am saying i don’t know. I really don’t know do I. I don’t know what is best for me. I think I do I guess I thought I always have thought that. There is this woman that I am helping online who is sick as hell and I encourage her. What is that about?!!!! I really really don’t fucking know. I told someone and he said, sounds like you are care taking since you don’t really care about yourself…… i know. I really did want to kill him. No lie. That’s ok. He doesn’t know me if he did he wouldn’t have said that. I think I better let him drive again. I really don’t want to. It’s like how much more of this do I have to endure. I don’t know. That is what make sense to me right now. I don’t know. It may be good, it may not be. I don’t know. But I have to be ok with that. The gloves are off now for me that means, come hell or high water whatever happens, a lot of it I can’t control and I don’t like that because people who were in control family, bosses other dumb asses did not have my best interest at heart, only their own. But now its like I can’t take control either that is not working. I want to say, I am just depressed, a good med will fix this. I may be actually, I may be.
So when I was in the hospital after a suicide attempt the psy. dr. before I left said to me, “Mark your solution is spiritual.” I said, sometimes the chemical needs to work so the spiritual can work and he agreed. And that is what is perplexing me right now. What the hell is going on? I really don’t know and besides blogging and really don’t want to talk to anyone about it except maybe a doctor…. And he is right whether I like it or not I am not my own. Someone else possesses me. It is not for me to say this or that I will go here or I will go there. It is for him to say what will happen tomorrow and the next day and the next day and all of the rest of the days until heaven and earth kiss and I am really really where I want to be. Will something feel like home again before that? I don’t know. Maybe. I would like that but for now I just want to be ok with going along for the ride. I thought I was but I really wasn’t, but I need to get this right because drinking doesn’t work nor does about three or four other things and I seem to be breaking free from all of that shit. No lie. So that is good I guess. I really hope this is the last time I ever want to drive again. But I don’t know. I do know that there is someone I love more than life itself and even when I wanted to not believe I still loved him and I think I always will but do I trust him enough to let him drive some more. I think I am being force to. He is saying again. Take your hands off that fucking wheel!!!!!!!!!!!! Just take them off. Just take your hands off that fucking wheel.
I am learning that its not all up to me and it never was. That is in a song by Sara Groves, a song about surrender. Maybe I am surrendering and saying, I can’t do it all myself. Its scary, know what I mean?
Circumstances are forcing me I believe to do this. I got so jacked up the other day I drank. That can’t happen again. I need to be ok with what I can do that day, with the energy I have and to believe that I never am just doing whatever I am doing in my own steam. And that others care and they don’t do it perfectly and I need to be ok with that.
I think something is changing with the fear too, like I can’t get that jacked up again, I might drink. That is what I am thinking anyway. So I am asking him to take away the worry and the fear so that whatever happens or whatever may happen fear and worry are not my first response. This is hard to articulate. That nothing that I may face seems insurmountable or impossible to me but not in my own strength. Like I think I have been trusting myself way more than I thought. I want don’t want to fear the future anymore and not because I can handle anything that may occur but because with my higher power’s help I can handle anything. To go from self reliance to higher power reliance. BW talks about this about how the alcoholic before he faced the juggernaut of alcohol was cruising along very nicely and life was going great fueled by self will. I think a week ago my self will ran into a fucking brick wall and fucking brick wall and I said to myself, “impossible,” so I drank and that can’t happen again and the only way it can’t is to say no matter what no fucking matter want I can run to the future and don’t have to fear anything because I want to be running in higher power strength not self will what someone calls “will worship.” I may be wrong but I think most people trust their will and I think I have been trusting my will and a week ago my will said uncle, fuck this too much so I drank. I don’t know if I am there yet like what if I get alzheimers or something up til now I have thought to myself, fuck no fuck no fuck no lol. I don’t know that is what I am thinking.
Years ago I wondered if I was an alcoholic and wondered that to my higher power and I heard, “let Bill help you.” I knew which Bill he was talking about and I thought I had but maybe I hadn’t and maybe I am really starting to let Bill help me and maybe steps 1-3 will have more power than that did last time….
I had a dream. I was the vice admiral of a battle ship. There was another battle ship and they were having problems and somehow I knew it was because they were being lazy, like sleeping in and stuff. The people on my ship wanted to help theirs and I said no, Iwe could go to war any minute.
So I told my sponsor and he said that you are not very compassionate towards yourself. Dreams are all about you. So I think he had a good point.
Also, I think it is about my ego. I didn’t think I had a big ego but there is a lot of ego there right. Lately I have been afraid because I am sick and my anxious thoughts are, its all up to me. I can’t be sick, if I am sick then I won’t work and I will go broke and be homeless. It is all up to me. I have trouble believing that my higher power cares about me and that others do too. Maybe the message here is it is ok to take care of myself because my higher power is in control, not me and as my sponsor says, his plan is not to shit on me. He cares for me the way a good parent cares for their children.
I have had a hard time because I was homeless 5 times and may have some PTSD so something like this happens and I panic. The truth is I am feeling better and should be able to go to work tomorrow. And I want to believe that my higher power cares. Circumstances are forcing me to believe that because if I don’t then the alternative is relying completely and totally on myself and that is not working. I have to let my higher power in and let others in and I am starting to do that. Even when they are not perfect. I got mad at my sponsor because he said, if you don’t care for yourself then all you can do is care take other people. I am not void of care for myself. Otherwise the hell I have gone through would have killed me. I stood up for myself when my ex wanted to take way legal custody of my daughter from me. It was hard but I did it. And I have certainly cared for others. My love for others cannot be discounted as pathological care taking.
It seems to me that I have to trust my higher power’s love and care for me more. I think that that is the issue. Otherwise it is all up to me and to let others in and let them care for me as well as my higher power cares for me through other people as imperfect as it is he is still loving me in and through them.
I want to say the hell with AA sometimes but they are just regular people right!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t need to judge them and I think I do sometimes. Everyone in AA, I think anyway, wants me to stay sober and that needs to be good enough for me.
I listen. Its like in the book Moby Dick. The harpooner is the one who is listening. While all the others are going crazy getting the ship in the exact right place, the harpooner is still, waiting for the perfect shot.
It is sometimes listening to words but most of the time not, just attending to a presence that is sometimes felt and sometimes not. But I can enter into the calm of this room while I am writing or enter into the stillness of the outdoors especially when there is no sound or wind in the trees or if one of the trees is still.
Sometimes when it is felt I get a real break from all the questions, worries and concerns, what is wrong with me? Does she like me or think I am a moron? When I am there I know who I belong to and who belongs to me, who I possess and who possesses me. It is the sense of someone’s presence but not another person’s presence I have felt before, like the presence of an alien or something. Words for it are abiding, listening, contemplation, peace, joy, love, wonderful. There may be a million words for it and sometimes there aren’t any words for it. I think the best words are like: beautiful, adorable, the object of my deepest and strongest desire, love language and intimacy are the best words because I am with my lover and he is with me although I can feel my intensity more than his, his seems more settled or something, ever subtle but real none the less.
Trouble and distress make it hard to listen. I wish that were not the case but it is. It is hard to settle down in trouble and fear, but it always comes back. And even in the trouble and the fear the sun is shining behind the bleak dark clouds. If anything I am able to endure it and sometimes the fears are not realized. There is always stillness after the storm.