not only….

not only did I get one counseling job but two!

holy makerel ?sp.

And there is some gratitude I must admit.

Hard to admit because I tried really hard and didn’t give up.

But when it happened I said, I can’t believe it and I have had that feeling before and it is not a, I can’t believe it, that I did that but something else if that makes sense.

Sort of like the I don’t know, I just don’t know thoughts I have had in the past, like I am just going along for the ride here kind of thoughts.

I thought I used to be grateful all the time but I don’t think so.  Maybe I am more honest now or know myself better.   More aware of that part of me that will say, I can get this done if I work hard enough because I am smart and talented and all that good shit.   But it is probably shit at least the part that thinks because of all those things I am good, I’ve got this.

BW talks about the improper use of will power, to bombard all our problems with it.  We’ll who doesn’t right?  Who the hell doesn’t !?  And maybe that is his point.  We are pretty self-sufficient mother fuckers.  So there is a little gratitude.  I have worked my ass off for four years trying to get a job and all the other ones did not stick for various reasons.  And yes I was criticized for leaving one or two.  But I had to trust myself that they were not good situations and I could see really fast that they were not in some cases and I am glad I did because it seems like these are two good situations.  Of course I worry that thesoe people are batshit crazy too, but at least I am not worried that I am batshit crazy and that is progress, really god dam progress.  I know I can do a damn good job and at least part of my does not take all the credit for that that that at least part of what I have has been given and probably all of what I have has been given but I had to keep going to choose to keep going in this world and to try to find something doing what I like to do and am good at.  And to not listen to the people who where money and convenience are the highest values.  Because they are not for me.  Where can I make the greatest impact for good.  That is my highest value I suppose and the question I want to keep answering the best I can and then doing those things until I am pushing daisies.

Sounds admirable but not sure it is so much and here is where the,  it is not all me part comes in,  because Salvador Edwards is a prejudice teenager who likes to drink and do drugs, any drugs, not too discriminate there, and bully people and smash mailboxes.  I could go on but you get the point.   All this other stuff, the one who grabbed me and said you are mine from now on, you’re going to do my bidding from now on whether you like it or not, gets the credit for all that other stuff.  There are other things to do besides bully people, take drugs and smash mailboxes although those things were really a lot of fun I thought at the time, but I got diverted from those things I guess you could say.   That’s all I got.  Thanks for letting me share.

Shalom ya’ll,

Salvador

“accepting hardship as a pathway to peace”

That means more to me now than it did before.    There is less that I can control than I thought.  And I am more ok with that now.   Checking out of reality does not work any more.  I just doesn’t so welcome to reality and maybe reality is not the awful thing that I  like to think that it is.   So my catastrophyzer ?sp, needs to slow down and the only way I know to do that is to say come what may I have an inner resource that I can tap into. (see Appendix 2 in the big book about spiritual experience)   So I think my faith is growing.  I read about how others are able to transcend their pain and get to a place of calm.   Bill Wilson, Paul, Jonathan Edwards, John Calvin.   Those are the people I read and they all say it.   BW says that we have found a faith that works to where we are able to face impossible situations calmly.  wtf.   To me that is real spiritual power.   That is not the opiate of the masses as my doubter would like to think.   As that calm is a gift.   There are times for me when the worries go away and I have an unexplicable calm.    It does not come from drugs or anything I am trying to think positive or negative.   There is a peace and confidence that is not from me.   That to me is what it means to tap into the inner resource.

I had a dream

I had a dream.  I was the vice admiral of a battle ship.   There was another battle ship and they were having problems and somehow I knew it was because they were being lazy, like sleeping in and stuff.   The people on my ship wanted to help theirs and I said no,  Iwe could go to war any minute.

So I told my sponsor and he said that you are not very compassionate towards yourself.   Dreams are all about you.   So I think he had a good point.

Also, I think it is about my ego.  I didn’t think I had a big ego but there is a lot of ego there right.   Lately I have been afraid because I am sick and my anxious thoughts are, its all up to me.  I can’t be sick, if I am sick then I won’t work and I will go broke and be homeless.  It is all up to me.  I have trouble believing that my higher power cares about me and that others do too.   Maybe the message here is it is ok to take care of myself because my higher power is in control, not me and as my sponsor says, his plan is not to shit on me.   He cares for me the way a good parent cares for their children.

I have had a hard time because I was homeless 5 times and may have some PTSD so something like this happens and I panic.   The truth is I am feeling better and should be able to go to work tomorrow.  And I want to believe that my higher power cares.   Circumstances are forcing me to believe that because if I don’t then the alternative is relying completely and totally on myself and that is not working.  I have to let my higher power in and let others in and I am starting to do that.   Even when they are not perfect.  I got mad at my sponsor because he said, if you don’t care for yourself then all you can do is care take other people.  I am not void of care for myself.  Otherwise the hell I have gone through would have killed me.   I stood up for myself when my ex wanted to take way legal custody of my daughter from me.  It was hard but I did it.  And I have certainly cared for others.  My love for others cannot be discounted as pathological care taking.

It seems to me that I have to trust my higher power’s love and care for me more.  I think that that is the issue.  Otherwise it is all up to me and to let others in and let them care for me as well as my higher power cares for me through other people as imperfect as it is he is still loving me in and through them.

I want to say the hell with AA sometimes but they are just regular people right!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I don’t need to judge them and I think I do sometimes.  Everyone in AA, I think anyway, wants me to stay sober and that needs to be good enough for me.

maybe there’s a loving god by Sara Groves

I’m trying to work things out
I’m trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result
Of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars in the sky
I have another meeting today
With my new counselor
My mom will cry and say
I don’t know what to do with her
She’s so unresponsive
I just cannot break through
She spends all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon
They have a chart and a graph
Of my despondency
They want to chart a path
For self-recovery
And want to know what I’m thinking
What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon
Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back
In the middle of a field
Maybe that’s a selfish thought
Or maybe there’s a loving God
Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason
And to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving God
Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back
In the middle of a field
Maybe that’s a selfish thought
Or maybe there’s a loving God
Maybe I was mad this way
To think and to reason
And to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving God
And that may be a foolish thought
Or maybe there is a God
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving God
Every day someone walks into a meeting with this somewhere inside of them..

In honor of those who still struggle

In the Lord of the Rings a hobbit was entrusted with the destruction of the ring, as opposed to kings and all powerful wizards.   In his effort to destroy the ring he could not resist putting it on and in the end he succumbed to its power, only to have it bitten off and destroyed.   When Aragon was inaugurated as King he did not chastise Frodo for his weakness and constant relapsing but honored him for his courage and fortitude.   When it was time for him to take his throne he stopped and did not sit down.  Instead he summoned Frodo up and had Frodo take his throne and all who were there honored him for the hero that he was.    May we honor those who still struggle to destroy their rings in the same way.

Salvador Edwards

to concede in the innermost self

That is what BW says you have to do to stop drinking, to concede in the innermost self that you have a problem with alcohol.  I have heard people shout that in meetings with the message, you haven’t done this yet and this is what you have to do.   That was not very helpful to me.  But I have thought what that means to me and what it means to me is that my heart needed to know I had a problem because my head could not figure it out.

At first when my heart or innermost self or whatever you want to call it knew. It scared me.   I did some reading in a book that helped me with this where the author was saying there is a lot we don’t understand that we have to take in faith.  It got me thinking that my heart believes things that my mind does not understand or that does not make sense to my mind and I usually think that if it is not reasonable or can’t be explained or argued reasonably than it can’t be true.   Me being the good product of post-enlightenment reason worship.

So it really scared me that my reason is defenseless against the first drink and I think it still is.  I wonder of the above guy thinks that reason has to be satisfied.  Maybe his does but my won’t be and that has scared me a lot but less so now that I did the reading I did today.  Probably the most important things I believe right now are not reasonable and I resisted believing them for a long time because they were not reasonable.  I actually think the most important things in life to me I take by faith.  I write that and I think, that just can’t be true but maybe it is.  So in that sense faith is not a crutch to me but what I need to stay alive and live in a world that for me much of it makes no sense.

I guess I could be reasonably hopeful about things but circumstances do not always lend themselves to a reasonable hope.   So I am ok now with something inside of me knows that I have this problem.  I think that was what BW was saying about himself as well.   Read his story, he could make the greatest argument for why he shouldn’t drink sitting at a bar and then take a drink.  One guy said to him I cannot believe you just told me all that and you are about to take a drink.  I bet he could not either.   Alcohol was bigger than his reason and if it is bigger than mine than that’s ok.  Not to be feared as long as I keep listening to my inner most self and not my reason.

shalom ya’ll

Salvador

Is it a problem?

This is how I define an addiction as a problem.  Some people are quick to say that such and such is not a problem without asking what does it mean if a substance or behavior to be a problem.  Here is how I now know looking back that it was a problem.

A health care professional can warn you of the dangers but that is easily rationalized away.    Anything anyone tells you or you tell yourself can be rationalized away.

It is a problem that says it’s not a problem.

So that makes it hard to figure out if it is really a problem.

Although I had a feeling it was a problem.  I just didn’t want it to be as I wanted

to keep doing it.

For me I went from doing it with others to by myself.

And then to doing it most every day.

Some people build a tolerance and need more of it.   But that was not the case so much for me.  I even had an addiction counselor tell me it was not a problem for that reason.   I know, stupid, right.

I could not see that I had a problem although I suspected that I did.

I did not want to be a gd alcoholic.

It is a narcissistic problem.   Besides the above things.  It is selfish.   It seems to want all my money and and attention and does not care if I loose jobs and pretty much wants me dead as I would be suicidal sometimes at the end when I did it.  But sometimes not, so I would say maybe that was a fluke.

Not matter what the consequences I had a hard time connecting the dots, realizing that the bad things were happening because of the problem.   I had a lot of other reasons that made sense to me as to why those things were happening.  I could not get in my head and figure out if it was a problem so that was probably the first problem my brain could not assist me with.

It is progressive:  frequency progresses, problems progress, inner and outer unmanageability progress , relationships deteriorate.    The kinds of problems are hard or impossible to recover from like loosing your family, your job and your life.

It will creep up on you.   Like boiling a frog in water by turning up the heat slowly.   The frog does not know it is too hot until it is too late.

You can have all the reasons in the world for not doing it and then just do it like its nothing.

You and only you can decide if it is a problem.  If someone else tells you you have a problem it won’t work if you are still telling yourself that you don’t.  You have to see it for yourself.

I would think some things like dope and crack cocaine would be harder to deny that it is a problem although I do not speak from experience on that.

You can ask yourself, is this recreational use or something else.

If other people think you have a problem that is a big red flag as usually other people can see it before you do.

At some point you will decide that you are done.   That point is different for everybody and some people die before they get to that point.

If you quit and go back to it later, even years later you will pick up where you left off. The severity of the problems will return quickly.

Because it is such a liar and deceiver I consider myself fortunate to be in recovery from it period.

Instead of not doing it to reach your goals.  You will change your goals.

At this point  I am doing better than ever in my life and would not trade this life of recovery for anything!

things

Things are starting to go good.  I don’t always know what to do with good.  If you are an addict you probably understand.  I know what to do with trouble and struggle and life shitting on me.   But good.   People respecting and valuing what I have to offer.   That is good.   Being able to pay the rent and my other bills.   Maybe the shoe won’t drop this time.    That would be good…On a good day I think life is good and people are beautiful, just flat out gorgeous in one way or another.  And most people don’t know it, can’t see it or if they do they see a facade instead of their real beauty.  It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood.  Mr Blue Skies is out today and its not too hot.  And I have a little peace of mind to be able to appreciate the day.  That’s a good thing.

Shalom yall

Salvador

the problem and the solution

The problem you ask?   The ego.   The solution?    The mortification of the ego.   Yeah I know.  Fuck that fuck that fuck that fuck that!!!!    That is what I thought for a long time.   I don’t want to die what will be left of me?  Right?   Well I am not sure how far along I am but I think the answer may be that.   Its not that you stop being you.  You are still you.  Is that you stop RELYING ON YOU.   Make sense?  You are still you.  You just don’t relying on you any more.    That is the way Bill Wilson seems to talk about it in the AA 12 and 12.   You go from defiance to reliance, from defiance to reliance.   So, you guessed it.    Having an addiction is a great opportunity for the mortification of the ego.   In the early days of AA they had 6 instead of 12 steps.   The first step of the 6 was called ego deflation.   Then confession was after that I think.    One stops relying on oneself and that necessitates the reliance on someone else.    For addicts we need a higher power so we go about finding a higher power we can learn to start relying on.   For some it is the group:  god, group of drunks.

Jesus knew a lot about this, a lot.  I think he talked about the problem and the solution in this way.   If you wish to save your life you will loose it but if you loose your life you will save it.   Right, hear it?   Your ego is on the chopping block pal, the chopping block.    Come to me all who are wearing and I will give you rest.   Take my yoke on you and learn from me for I am meek and gentle.  Hear it?    It is a heavy burden for you to be relying on yourself for everything.   Start relying on me.  Let me give you a break there pal.

Having said that the church these days knows very little about this, very very little.  In fact for whatever reason the narcissism seems to love religious people.   So much of the church these days is like the religious people of Jesus day.   To me there is no doubt about that!!!   And Jesus had a few choice words for them back then.   You hypocrites!!!!   You know what your problem is?  You are whitewashed tombs.  You look really good on the outside but inside you smell like a dead and rotting person.   Hear it?  Hear how he is lamblasting narcissism?   Narcs love the church.   Think of all the religious leaders these days who are so fucking self centered, just fucking self centered and they are spewing a lot of shit, just a lot of shit from their mouths!!!!   wtf right?  wtf!!!

Then Bill Wilson comes along and says, hey man.   This ego has got to go.  This thing just has to go and that is powerful.    Think about it in Romans 7 Paul is talking about his addiction.   My mind tells my body not to do something but my body just goes on and does it anyway.  You hear Dr. Silkworth?   These people have an allergy of mind and body.   Bill Wilson seems to come up with a solution that even the apostle Paul didn’t know about.  Now put that in your pipe and smoke it.     Bill Wilson says yeah and I knew all kinds of stuff about my problem, I just could not stop doing it and it almost killed me.   Then he has a spiritual experience and he is able to stop.   The problem is the ego.   The solution, the mortification of the ego.

 

the three c’s of addiction

control

consequences

continue

You loose control, there are consequences and you continue anyway.   Those in recovery know this about themselves.   The hoi poloi (the many) have lost control and don’t know it.  That’s called denial.   For that issue, go to meetings and when it is time you will realize that despite the consequences you have lost all control and you can’t stop.  At that point,  if you are really lucky,  your ego will get deflated.