Most Beautiful and Adorable Grace

that is her name to me

me the instrument she plays

me the lover she kisses

and fills me with life and love and peace

me the channel she moves through

its all grace to me

all of it

everything that happens or doesn’t happen

everything that grows and dies

all of it

no I don’t understand that at all

but it seems necessary for me to believe

so I can live and not go insane

or leave the planet sooner then

the natural course of things will decide.

to be spared the final catastrophe

as Bill says.



People have told me I have it.  Maybe I have but what they have seen is also what I did to survive.  Not sure how to articulate that any better.  I am getting a lesson though in liberation on this July 4th, that humility is the door to true true true liberation, liberation to the bondage of self.   I have run into walls, no career job, not seeing my kids, what if my kids are messed up?   What if I am messed up?    The driving force?   Ego driven fear. The only way for these things to happen is for me to make them happen.   That has been my modus opperandi and I didn’t even know it.   The solution according to Bill Wilson,  “humility as the avenue  of to true freedom

of the human spirit,  BW 12 and 12 p.73.”    “It was only at the end of a long road, marked by successive defeats and humiliations, and the final crushing of our self-sufficiency, that we began to feel humility as something more than a condition of groveling despair but to be desired and the door to true liberation of the spirit. p 72. words in italics mine.”  

No coincidence we read this chapter today in an AA meeting.  I have not known how to not fear the future but now I am learning, self-sufficiency has to be crushed.    I won’t do this perfectly but the door to a sweet, sweet liberation has been opened and it is starting to be that in the place of worry about the future, what is wrong with me, is the knowledge that my resources are insufficient, the belief that kept me alive,  the necessity to lean on myself when there was no one else to lean on,  save for people who loved me along the way, has to go and it is those people I thank today and am grateful for who taught me I am worth loving.  It is ok to ask for help.  There are real people who when you need them are and will be there.   And a growing serenity and awareness that for me, as I told a friend the other day, that my comfort for me and others is that I can pray and when I do,  now believe,  that he cares and he will answer, that he wants it to be natural for me to ask for his help for me and others, and that reality the reality of life is dependence on him and other people that without his strength I am nothing.  That is my truth anyway.    I don’t think any of us are the source of our own provision even though we live in a world that has tricked us into believing that, a lie so ingrained in my psyche for me that only running into walls over and over again is proving the fallacy of.  Grateful to be more free today than ever before.

Shalom ya’ll



It is our affections and desires good or bad that move us to act.   Inspired by Jonathan Edwards in Religious Affections

“Love often times knows no measure, but is fervent beyond all measure.  Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of labors, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse of impossibility; for it thinks all things possible for itself and all things lawful.   It is therefore strong for all things, and it completes many things, and brings them to effect, where he who does not love faints and lies down.   Love is watchful and sleeping slumbers not.  Though wearied it is not tired; though pressed it is not straitened; though alarmed, it is not confounded;  but as a lively flame and burning torch, it forces its way upward and securely passes through all.  If any person love, he knows what is the cry of this voice.  For it is a loud cry in the ears of God, that ardent affection of the soul, when it says: “My God, object of my love, thou art all mine, and I am all thine.”  Thomas a Kempis

It is Love that holds everything together I believe.

the place

I went to the place where I can feel his presence today and that helped.  Amazing to be able to say that, the place where I feel his presence, but I believe it to be true.   I remember talking to my friend one time and him saying Mark, I think you are tired.   What a revelation….  I think I have been really tired lately and I need to go back to resting.   I heard today, Mark you know what to do.   I do know what to do.   Seek peace and pursue it.    That is my answer.  I find it in meetings, walking outside, sitting down, in the special place.   I love to brain fuck all this and make it complicated, but it is not too complicated.   Listening resting, whatever you want to call it I have been there and I am capable of going back.  That needs to be my priority, thats what it is it needs to be my priority, seeking the kingdom first, whatever you want to call it, and the rest falls into place.   I think I have more of a chance now, now that my will has gone through some needed suffering.   The eye of the hurricane, getting centered, waiting, all means the same thing to me.   And in the eye the hurricane does not seem so terrible.   I’m ok and i am going to be ok, no cliche for me, it is a very powerful voice that can say that to me, the voice of the one who owns the cattle on a thousand hills.  The higgs boson in the higgs boson that holds everthing together with his love song.   The song I am still learning to hear that a part of me craves in other places still that do not sing it.   The song of the king that if I keep listening will keep me out of the forest of the hopenots. I can’t beat myself up.   After all this time I am still learning.   But what I am learning is priceless to me, the one I am getting to know better is my pearl of great price.   We will be like him for we will see him as he is.   That’s in the future, so I cannot expect myself to have arrived right.   We WILL be like him and we WILL see him as he is.   That is also a promise of a sure hope a hope that I believe I share with all of humanity that longing for peace, connection, love and joy.   It is what we all have to look forward to, I believe.

Shalom ya’ll


I had this dream

I had this dream last night.  I was at the grocery store and I had got some rewards I was going to cash in.  So I went up to the counter and the lady said here’s how to get your rewards and you are gorgeous btw.   I walked away smiling.   The other day I saw an eagle fly right over my head while I was thinking about getting counseling and getting free from how I have been abused by narcissists.

Today I was in a meeting where we were talking about family members and this guy shared how he has gotten free from the desire to drink and it has been over four years since he had a drink.

What is all this?    The other day I was reading about narcissistic abuse and went on facebook and read something about prayer and asked my hp to take away the depression fatigue and right after I cried really really hard and felt some release.

Yesterday I had a terrible work experience but today I am ok.   I will just go to work tomorrow and I don’t think that I will be worried about it although I have a hard time with people right now.

I honestly believe that what is so beautiful about me right now is that my hp is setting me free.   Maybe I will start feeling like he is my home his love through his presence and other people in my life.    I felt the care for others in that meeting today.  People just saying where they were and other people respecting what they had to say.

So it looks like freedom is on the way.   Freedom from worry and feeling like it is all up to me.  It can’t be all up to me.  I am really hoping that when I really feel better and have more energy I won’t go back to it is all up to me to get jobs and money and all that shit.   I don’t think there is any peace in that.   I think I get the peace I do get from my hp and if I go back to it is all up to me it won’t work.

Grateful today for this now and not yet freedom.   Freedom to love and be loved.   I think that is what it boils down to for me.   There is no real love in narcissism not real love.  But I have known real love from hp and from others going all the way back to my childhood.   I thought I didn’t know what it felt like but I think I do.  I know the feeling of another’s presence that is hard to describe.   Too wonderful to describe yet ordinary and subtle at the same time, to have times when everything is ok and when it doesn’t feel like it is I would like to start thinking that he will come back and it will feel like that again.



several years ago….

Several years ago I had this vision or picture or whatever of me driving a car and I pulled up beside my higher power and he said get out.  Get in the passenger seat and buckle up we are going for a ride.   Sometimes it has been like one nightmare after the other although what I thought was the worst, leaving my home has turned out to me ok.

Recently I relapsed, drank once.  Once was enough to remind me that it doesn’t work anymore and I am ok with that.  But I think what happened was, I started driving again.  All I want is a fucking counseling job, how fucking hard is that.  I don’t even care about money so why not give me a little more.  wtf, wtf, wtf.    I think this time I ran into my self-sufficiency.  And the horrors I have been through have only reinforced it.   No money, no rent, out on the street and I was like, I can’t do that again.  I just can’t.   But maybe I can if I have to, i don’t know.  I really don’t know anymore.  I drive around saying to myself I don’t know, and my higher power is talking to me and I am saying i don’t know.  I really don’t know do I.  I don’t know what is best for me.  I think I do I guess I thought I always have thought that.   There is this woman that I am helping online who is sick as hell and I encourage her.   What is that about?!!!!   I really really don’t fucking know.  I told someone and he said, sounds like you are care taking since you don’t really care about yourself…… i know.  I really did want to kill him.  No lie. That’s ok.  He doesn’t know me if he did he wouldn’t have said that.   I think I better let him drive again.  I really don’t want to.  It’s like how much more of this do I have to endure.   I don’t know.   That is what make sense to me right now.  I don’t know.  It may be good, it may not be.  I don’t know.   But I have to be ok with that.   The gloves are off now for me that means, come hell or high water whatever happens, a lot of it I can’t control and I don’t like that because people who were in control family, bosses other dumb asses did not have my best interest at heart, only their own.  But now its like I can’t take control either that is not working.  I want to say, I am just depressed, a good med will fix this. I may be actually, I may be.

So when I was in the hospital after a suicide attempt the psy. dr. before I left said to me, “Mark your solution is spiritual.”  I said, sometimes the chemical needs to work so the spiritual can work and he agreed.  And that is what is perplexing me right now.  What the hell is going on?  I really don’t know and besides blogging and really don’t want to talk to anyone about it except maybe a doctor….  And he is right whether I like it or not I am not my own.  Someone else possesses me.   It is not for me to say this or that I will go here or I will go there.  It is for him to say what will happen tomorrow and the next day and the next day and all of the rest of the days until heaven and earth kiss  and I am really really where I want to be.  Will something feel like home again before that?   I don’t know.  Maybe.  I would like that but for now I just want to be ok with going along for the ride.  I thought I was but I really wasn’t, but I need to get this right because drinking doesn’t work nor does about three or four other things and I seem to be breaking free from all of that shit.  No lie.   So that is good I guess.  I really hope this is the last time I ever want to drive again.  But I don’t know.   I do know that there is someone I love more than life itself and even when I wanted to not believe I still loved him and I think I always will but do I trust him enough to let him drive some more.   I think I am being force to.  He is saying again.  Take your hands off that fucking wheel!!!!!!!!!!!!   Just take them off.  Just take your hands off that fucking wheel.

here’s what helps me

I listen.   Its like in the book Moby Dick.  The harpooner is the one who is listening.   While all the others are going crazy getting the ship in the exact right place, the harpooner is still, waiting for the perfect shot.

It is sometimes listening to words but most of the time not, just attending to a presence that is sometimes felt and sometimes not.  But I can enter into the calm of this room while I am writing or enter into the stillness of the outdoors especially when there is no sound or wind in the trees or if one of the trees is still.

Sometimes when it is felt I get a real break from all the questions, worries and concerns, what is wrong with me?  Does she like me or think I am a moron?   When I am there I know who I belong to and who belongs to me, who I possess and who possesses me.   It is the sense of someone’s presence but not another person’s presence I have felt before, like the presence of an alien or something.  Words for it are abiding, listening, contemplation, peace, joy, love, wonderful.  There may be a million words for it and sometimes there aren’t any words for it.  I think the best words are like:  beautiful, adorable, the object of my deepest and strongest desire, love language and intimacy are the best words because I am with my lover and he is with me although I can feel my intensity more than his, his seems more settled or something, ever subtle but real none the less.

Trouble and distress make it hard to listen.  I wish that were not the case but it is.  It is hard to settle down in trouble and fear, but it always comes back.  And even in the trouble and the fear the sun is shining behind the bleak dark clouds.  If anything I am able to endure it and sometimes the fears are not realized.   There is always stillness after the storm.







Its what the sick people in our lives need.

So its not about us, in a good way.

Its about what someone else did to them.

And that is why they do what they do to us.

So its not about us, in a good way.

It puts the focus on them.

And heals the hate and shame and guilt we feel.

Its really the way to love ourselves

in the best possible way.

Its care for us, when we are caring for them.

no losers here……..

it is beyond understanding

The’s this story about a couple who met a man who told them some things about a son they would give birth to.  They are talking to each other and he says, “I think that man is god.”  She says, “how could it be god.  If he were god then we’d be dead.”  He says, “well maybe he is god and we aren’t dead because he was telling us about the son we haven’t had yet.”   So they decide to ask the man his name.  So he says to the man, “we were wondering what your name is.”   The man says to them, “why do you ask my name?  It is beyond understanding.”

If my higher power had a name that would be a good one….Beyond Understanding.