Fear

via If you weren’t scared, what would you do?

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If

If he is the most excellent thing and most worthy of praise

in the seen and unseen world

Then all the things he has made must be praising him

A symphony of praise responding to the song he sings

If I can hear it

And boy do I need help to hear it

Above all the noise and busyness

And my spiritual dullness

But it is ironic to me that

humans being created most like him

praise him least of all.

a song

How sweet to reflect on the joys that await me.

In yon blissful regions the haven of rest.

Where glorified spirits with welcomes shall greet me.

In loud Hallelujahs their voices will raise.

Encircled in light and in beauty unshrouded.

My mind’s sky unclouded.

I’ll bathe in the ocean of pleasure unbounded.

And rage with delight through the Eden of love.

Most Beautiful and Adorable Grace

that is her name to me

me the instrument she plays

me the lover she kisses

and fills me with life and love and peace

me the channel she moves through

its all grace to me

all of it

everything that happens or doesn’t happen

everything that grows and dies

all of it

no I don’t understand that at all

but it seems necessary for me to believe

so I can live and not go insane

or leave the planet sooner then

the natural course of things will decide.

to be spared the final catastrophe

as Bill says.

a song

What can wash away my sin?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

What can make me whole again?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Oh precious is the flow that makes me white as snow.

No other fount I know.

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

 

What that means to me.   A lot because there is love in that that he would make the ulitimate sacrifice for me.  Christian theology says he did not need to do it for himself as he was sinless so it was a purely self sacrificial act.   I need to believe that someone loves me.   If you have been reading the blog you know why.   Parents and ex are narcs. and there is no real love in that.  Anything they do is for themselves one way or another.  I know I felt used by mom mom, cannot give you a lot of examples, just felt used.

The song says to me that I can put up my hammer, right?   That is important since I have a boss right now who every time we talk it is about something I have done she does not like.   She won’t be my boss much longer, gratefully.  But living with narcs you are very sensitive to criticism and there is no shortage of people in the world who are more than ready to chime in from my experience anyway.   I do wonder how I made it through all that and I believe the answer is the man in the song.   I met him when I was 16 if not before that and the message I got on our meeting, (it was not the message delivered by the person who was talking but it was the message that I heard from the man in the song) was that he accepts me just the way that I am.   Not sure that I would add that then but I do now, and does not judge me and will not judge me in the future, not that there are no consequences for breaking the law and such but I have a higher power who does not judge me.  And whether that is theologically correct or not I don’t care.   I take the liberty like everyone else in AA of having the kind of higher power that I need and I need one that does not judge me no matter what.  I guess that is unconditional love like I have for my daughters but it is possible that I could judge them unfairly and probably have.  My higher power does not and will not do that.   If anything the song means that to me.   That he sees me as white as snow with nothing able to dirty me up no matter what I do.

I need that kind of object/relation with my higher power, to internalize someone who does not judge me to heal all the internal introjects of people who have been full of judgement, hate, cruelty and condemnation towards me.   I think he knew I would need it to survive, thus the beginning of what to me is the reality of introjecting a loving, accepting higher power when I was 16 if not younger.   Christians call that the holy spirit who is the man in the song living inside of us.

Of course a lot of churches fuck that all up and help people introject a condemning judgemental god that pushes them away.   Talked to a guy today who told me his story of that kind of judgement from the church that ran him off.   Thank god for AA where people can find a loving higher power to relate to when they thought that swearing off that idol they heard about in church meant that they were swearing off the spiritual life completely.  Thank god for Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob who prophetically and powerfully opened the doors of the spiritual life to millions who otherwise would not know it helping to deliver them from slavery and death, myself include, something the man in the song did when he came here.  But not unlike many great men and great movements their followers get pretty good at fucking things up.  Religion being a haven these days for the cruelty of narcissism.  It is not uncommon for a narc to push a partner or a loved one to the point of suicide even encouraging them to do it!  Yeah, wtf is right!  Just like the  narcs that pushed the man in the song to die but his death and resurrection will bring the ultimate defeat of evil people like that in the future and right now he continues that fight that war in people like you and me.  That is my version of it, everybody has their own.   “There’s a feeling like the clenching of a fist.  There’s a hunger in the center of the chest.  And when the body sleeps the heart will never rest.”  Shed a little light O Lord!   Wreak havoc on evil!   Obliterated it from the face of the earth! and bring in your kingdom!  soli deo gloria.

Salvador Edwards

not only….

not only did I get one counseling job but two!

holy makerel ?sp.

And there is some gratitude I must admit.

Hard to admit because I tried really hard and didn’t give up.

But when it happened I said, I can’t believe it and I have had that feeling before and it is not a, I can’t believe it, that I did that but something else if that makes sense.

Sort of like the I don’t know, I just don’t know thoughts I have had in the past, like I am just going along for the ride here kind of thoughts.

I thought I used to be grateful all the time but I don’t think so.  Maybe I am more honest now or know myself better.   More aware of that part of me that will say, I can get this done if I work hard enough because I am smart and talented and all that good shit.   But it is probably shit at least the part that thinks because of all those things I am good, I’ve got this.

BW talks about the improper use of will power, to bombard all our problems with it.  We’ll who doesn’t right?  Who the hell doesn’t !?  And maybe that is his point.  We are pretty self-sufficient mother fuckers.  So there is a little gratitude.  I have worked my ass off for four years trying to get a job and all the other ones did not stick for various reasons.  And yes I was criticized for leaving one or two.  But I had to trust myself that they were not good situations and I could see really fast that they were not in some cases and I am glad I did because it seems like these are two good situations.  Of course I worry that thesoe people are batshit crazy too, but at least I am not worried that I am batshit crazy and that is progress, really god dam progress.  I know I can do a damn good job and at least part of my does not take all the credit for that that that at least part of what I have has been given and probably all of what I have has been given but I had to keep going to choose to keep going in this world and to try to find something doing what I like to do and am good at.  And to not listen to the people who where money and convenience are the highest values.  Because they are not for me.  Where can I make the greatest impact for good.  That is my highest value I suppose and the question I want to keep answering the best I can and then doing those things until I am pushing daisies.

Sounds admirable but not sure it is so much and here is where the,  it is not all me part comes in,  because Salvador Edwards is a prejudice teenager who likes to drink and do drugs, any drugs, not too discriminate there, and bully people and smash mailboxes.  I could go on but you get the point.   All this other stuff, the one who grabbed me and said you are mine from now on, you’re going to do my bidding from now on whether you like it or not, gets the credit for all that other stuff.  There are other things to do besides bully people, take drugs and smash mailboxes although those things were really a lot of fun I thought at the time, but I got diverted from those things I guess you could say.   That’s all I got.  Thanks for letting me share.

Shalom ya’ll,

Salvador