good stuff

Don’t know about you but I am not always able to interpret my heart.  Like why has it been so weighed down?   Been sick, yada yada yada but I am pretty sure now it has to do with the revelation not too long ago that my ex is narcissistic.   So therefore I have lived with narcissists my whole life.   Read a book on the subject recently and cried really hard.   That may have been my conformation can’t remember actually.   But it is really good to know if you know what I mean.   With a good counselor, this weight has an end date and I know what it is and what to do about.  I rarely have that kind of clarity.   Hope this guy knows what he’s doing, gaslighting cognitive dissonace this guy needs to know what those things are.  I will ask of course.   Saw him once and he did pretty good.   Asked a lot of questions to start getting the lay of my land like I would have done.  But I need to trust someone too and I have more of a problem with that than I thought.   Need to trust the beautiful universe too that healing is imminent for me as my spirit says that it is.   What an amazing feeling!   Really amazing.    As a therapist I  would help people heal and think when is it going to be my turn.  Knock on wood, I think my turn as arrived.   What will I be like afterwards, not sure but it will be good I am sure of that.   And to remind myself that this process has already started, taking care of myself along the way, letting people care about me, being ok that I really care about others and not pathologizing that, hearing someone criticize one of my current relationships and then being able to say to myself, it is a really good relationship and no matter how long it lasts I will be a better person for it and hopefully she will too, thanks to understanding cognitive dissonance, starting to hear the inner critic and being able to start to say to him, you are full of shit and really believing that and not letting him keep me confused, knowing that these strong reactions do not mean I am screwed up but are very very normal after the hell I have been through and that any normal person would have reacted the way I did to constant devaluing, giving myself a break regarding the things I have done to check out for a while just to cope with….whatever that was.    So onward and upward:)




about to start

About to start doing what I love to do, counseling

It is such a thrill to be an agent of healing and restoration in someone’s life.

On holy ground helping them in their pain.

Worked so hard the past few years to get back on track.

And have been happy most of that time.

One of the big lessons from that time has been that

for me anyway

the source of happiness is not out there somewhere

but in there somewhere

know what I mean Vern?

I am such a dork.

And I have you all to thank for helping to make that possible.

It has been nice to say some really crazy shit on here.

And see a “like”

I guess there are some crazy shit appreciaters out there.

And maybe some stuff that is not too terribly crazy.

So another thing I am learning is that

maybe I am not totally bat shit crazy

after all.

Just a little bit 🙂

I went to a meeting tonight and said that

I am the happiest and most content I have ever been

in my life.

Gracias mes amis 🙂



research study

Hi Friends,

I work for Trillium Drop-In Center in Woodbridge, VA.  We are doing a study involving people who have taken an anti-psychotic medicine such as Seroquel and Trileptal and are having involuntary movements something known as tardive dyskinesia.   If you are interested or know someone who might be please contact me pronto at   Feel free to pass this info. on to anyone.  Here is more info:

Tardive Dyskinesia Group


“why are we so hard on ourselves?”

I asked a friend of mine that the other day and she said, because we have had people in our lives who are hard on themselves and they choose to treat other people like dirt, makes them feel better in some sick kind of way.  It has been easy for me to think of myself as less than or in some cases more than others.  Much harder but I think much truer to say we are equal.  The fool said one time, if someone strikes you on your left cheek, turn to him your right.  I the middle eastern culture of the day, when you turned your right cheek to someone like that you are saying to him, you may have the upper hand right now, but I AM YOUR EQUAL!!!!!!!!!!!    Interesting, huh?  How much more profitable and way more effective to do life thinking truly but soberly well of yourself, then you are much more inclined to do positive things for yourself and others.    This is not easily especially if you have been traumatized by others, that trauma in many cases needs to be healed with the help of a damn good counselor, at least in my case that has what has happened lately and man I will tell ya, what a difference it makes…..truly….

“since dark is what brings out your light” Robert Frost

my darkness/character defects and other shit I don’t like about myself:   adhd, depression, worrier, i say stupid shit to people, unorganized.

my light:   have a good personality, handsome (I know I have not posted a picture but I def. have a good body self image.  Oma gets the credit for that for calling me good looking when I was a kid, and someone told me I looked good today.   So did she but I forgot to say it.  What a moron…oh yeah, i forgot to add above….hard on myself….

This is a little exercise I am doing, I thought I would have a million things in the dark category and one or two in the light….not working out that way….I think for the most part I have a pretty good self-image, which is probably a miracle given all the negative shit and people I have been through and had to be married to and to deal with….oh yeah.  I resent my soon to be ex.I need to give up my will to punish her and I punish her by resenting her.   To me that is the essence of forgiveness…giving up the will to punish…more on that later.

I forgot that the song/poem says since dark is what BRINGS OUT your light.   When i sing it in my head i hear since dark is what puts out your light.   What it really says is pretty good shit isn’t it….It sounds like hope to me.   How does my darkness bring out my light…..too tired right now to give a really good answer, but I think about therapy and how you go back and heal a person’s traumatic memory and it frees them to live that way they want to live in the present.   More on that later too but that is a great example of the light extinguishing someone’s darkness allowing them to live/walk more in the light.  I really have LOVED being a therapist and have done a lot of good for people, but for a number of reasons I am thinking about selling cars now.  It just fascinates me, from what I hear that if you are a caring person, able to listen, get rapport and build people’s trust that you can sell a shit load of cars.  That is what I have been told by a number of car sales recruiters and I don’t think that they are bsing me either.  And they are saying that that has always been the way to sell cars.   Not that I believe it you know……………… I have said above but…………that is is the gospel of Jesus right….love others, think of others before yourself….these guys were quoting the bible and stuff about selling car.   One of my beefs with the church is that it is pretty damn irrelevant to most people’s lives.   I think Jesus was relevant just his followers have fucked things up and I am in good company thinking this way, just read about Deitrick Bonhoffer  ?sp.  He died in a concentration camp since he was involved in a plot to assascinate Hitler.   He lived a relevant life and what could be more relevant then applying the good news to selling cars or selling anything else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     That is really what fascinates me about this approach and I want to test it out and see if it works.  I really think it will and I need to be pretty damn successful since I am in a shit load of debt and want to retire sometime in a my life and marry a hot babe and take her to Europe………….:), and go to Romania or wherever the fuck it is happening and help free girls from human trafficking.   or continue to work to alleviate suffering in some way, since god, if he exists has decided to make up deal with all this shit for who knows how much longer…….As we say in recovery……….thanks for letting me share 🙂