That is what BW says you have to do to stop drinking, to concede in the innermost self that you have a problem with alcohol. I have heard people shout that in meetings with the message, you haven’t done this yet and this is what you have to do. That was not very helpful to me. But I have thought what that means to me and what it means to me is that my heart needed to know I had a problem because my head could not figure it out.
At first when my heart or innermost self or whatever you want to call it knew. It scared me. I did some reading in a book that helped me with this where the author was saying there is a lot we don’t understand that we have to take in faith. It got me thinking that my heart believes things that my mind does not understand or that does not make sense to my mind and I usually think that if it is not reasonable or can’t be explained or argued reasonably than it can’t be true. Me being the good product of post-enlightenment reason worship.
So it really scared me that my reason is defenseless against the first drink and I think it still is. I wonder of the above guy thinks that reason has to be satisfied. Maybe his does but my won’t be and that has scared me a lot but less so now that I did the reading I did today. Probably the most important things I believe right now are not reasonable and I resisted believing them for a long time because they were not reasonable. I actually think the most important things in life to me I take by faith. I write that and I think, that just can’t be true but maybe it is. So in that sense faith is not a crutch to me but what I need to stay alive and live in a world that for me much of it makes no sense.
I guess I could be reasonably hopeful about things but circumstances do not always lend themselves to a reasonable hope. So I am ok now with something inside of me knows that I have this problem. I think that was what BW was saying about himself as well. Read his story, he could make the greatest argument for why he shouldn’t drink sitting at a bar and then take a drink. One guy said to him I cannot believe you just told me all that and you are about to take a drink. I bet he could not either. Alcohol was bigger than his reason and if it is bigger than mine than that’s ok. Not to be feared as long as I keep listening to my inner most self and not my reason.