to concede in the innermost self

That is what BW says you have to do to stop drinking, to concede in the innermost self that you have a problem with alcohol.  I have heard people shout that in meetings with the message, you haven’t done this yet and this is what you have to do.   That was not very helpful to me.  But I have thought what that means to me and what it means to me is that my heart needed to know I had a problem because my head could not figure it out.

At first when my heart or innermost self or whatever you want to call it knew. It scared me.   I did some reading in a book that helped me with this where the author was saying there is a lot we don’t understand that we have to take in faith.  It got me thinking that my heart believes things that my mind does not understand or that does not make sense to my mind and I usually think that if it is not reasonable or can’t be explained or argued reasonably than it can’t be true.   Me being the good product of post-enlightenment reason worship.

So it really scared me that my reason is defenseless against the first drink and I think it still is.  I wonder of the above guy thinks that reason has to be satisfied.  Maybe his does but my won’t be and that has scared me a lot but less so now that I did the reading I did today.  Probably the most important things I believe right now are not reasonable and I resisted believing them for a long time because they were not reasonable.  I actually think the most important things in life to me I take by faith.  I write that and I think, that just can’t be true but maybe it is.  So in that sense faith is not a crutch to me but what I need to stay alive and live in a world that for me much of it makes no sense.

I guess I could be reasonably hopeful about things but circumstances do not always lend themselves to a reasonable hope.   So I am ok now with something inside of me knows that I have this problem.  I think that was what BW was saying about himself as well.   Read his story, he could make the greatest argument for why he shouldn’t drink sitting at a bar and then take a drink.  One guy said to him I cannot believe you just told me all that and you are about to take a drink.  I bet he could not either.   Alcohol was bigger than his reason and if it is bigger than mine than that’s ok.  Not to be feared as long as I keep listening to my inner most self and not my reason.

shalom ya’ll



what to do about fear? hesed va emit

I am not sure exactly as I feel it on a regular basis.

The opposite?  Is it faith or love?  Maybe the answer is yes and yes.

Faithful love.  In Hebrew, hesed va emit.  love and faithfulness

How do you love someone knowing that in the right circumstance they might hang y0u out to dry?   faithful love.

But I think ironically loving them may make it less likely for them to hang you out to dry.

Make sense?

Somehow it gets in and they realize I actually care about them.

They feel something strange from a person that they have been looking for but didn’t know how to find, really having no idea how to look, or even knowing that something was missing.

Would y0u hang that person out to dry?

The temptation, as in my earlier post is to run like hell.

And that may be the right thing to do depending on the people and the circumstances.

I am tired though, pretty tired.

Need to soon talk with someone who has some faithful love who can walk with me in this.

Shall I say someone else who can walk with me.  God with skin on.

Sometimes the skin really, really helps.



credo: The Nicene Creed

This has been rolling around in my head lately.   It was a song we sang in college, well not all of it, well maybe all of it but I don’t remember the whole thing.  I pretty much believe all of it still……… some minor or major miracle…………  Constantine had some religious dudes come up with it.  Of course they had to do it just the way he wanted since there were soldiers  with swords standing behind each chair of the dudes that wrote it, several hundred dudes and their soldier dude behind each one.   So much for the spirit moving people……….:)  but I still believe it and and think that it is quite beautiful…….

Credo in unum Deum, Patrem omnipotentem, factorem caeli et terrae, visibilium omnium, et invisibilium. Et in unum Dominum Jesum Christum, Filium Dei unigenitum. Et ex Patre natum ante omnia saecula. Deum de Deo, Lumen de lumine, Deum verum de Deo vero. Genitum, non factum, consubstantialem Patri: per quem omnia facta sunt. Qui propter nos homines, et propter nostram salutem descendit de caelis. Et incarnatus est de Spiritu Sancto ex Maria Virgine: Et homo factus est. Crucifixus etiam pro nobis: sub Pontio Pilato passus, et sepultus est. Et resurrexit tertia die, secundum Scripturas. Et ascendit in caelum: sedet ad dexteram Patris. Et iterum venturus est cum gloria, judicare vivos et mortuos: cuius regni non erit finis. Et in Spiritum Sanctum, Dominum, et vivificantem: qui ex Patre Filioque procedit. Qui cum Patre et Filio simul adoratur, et conglorificatur: qui locutus est per Prophetas. Et unam sanctam catholicam et apostolicam Ecclesiam. Confiteor unum baptisma in remissionem peccatorum. Et exspecto resurrectionem mortuorum. Et vitam venturi saeculi. Amen.

I believe in one God, the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth, and of all things visible and invisible: And in one Lord Jesus Christ, the only-begotten Son of God, begotten of the Father before all ages; God of God, Light of Light, true God of true God; begotten, not made; consubstantial with the Father, by Whom all things were made: Who for us men, and for our salvation, came down from heaven, and was incarnate by the Holy Ghost of the Virgin Mary, and was made man. He was crucified also for us, suffered under Pontius Pilate, and was buried: And the third day He arose again, according to the Scriptures, and ascended into heaven. He sitteth at the right hand of the Father: and He shall come again with glory, to judge the living and the dead: and His kingdom shall have no end: And in the Holy Ghost, the Lord and Giver of life, Who proceedeth from the Father and the Son, Who, together with the Father and the Son, is adored and glorified: Who spoke by the prophets. And one, holy, catholic, and apostolic Church. I confess one baptism for the remission of sins. And I expect the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come. Amen.

getting through the heat to the light

a friend and I did that last night talking together and it was fun.   We started out not connecting with each other (the heat)  and ended up agreeing that what we were both looking for is a “faith that works.” (the light.)   This is a phrase from BW in the 12 and 12 and his description in step two of a faith that works is out of this world in my view and the best description of a faith that works that I have read anywhere in any literature!!!!!!!!   BW says:

In aa we saw the fruits of this belief:  men and women spared from alcohol’s final catastrophe.  We saw them meet and transcend their other pains and trials.  We saw them calmly accept impossible situations, seeking neither to run nor recriminate.  This was not only faith;  it was a faith that worked under all conditions.  We soon concluded that whatever price in humility we must pay, we would pay.”    p. 31 of the 12 x 12

In another place he talkes about how aaer’s held up in the stress of war during WW II.  On the whole they did awesome according to him.

How do you get through the heat to the light.   Just don’t give up trying to connect with one another I guess and listen to each other.



I can’t say this yet but maybe one day………

  1. All to Jesus I surrender;
    All to Him I freely give;
    I will ever love and trust Him,
    In His presence daily live.

    • Refrain:
      I surrender all,
      I surrender all;
      All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
      I surrender all.
  2. All to Jesus I surrender;
    Humbly at His feet I bow,
    Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
    Take me, Jesus, take me now.
  3. All to Jesus I surrender;
    Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
    Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
    Truly know that Thou art mine.
  4. All to Jesus I surrender;
    Lord, I give myself to Thee;
    Fill me with Thy love and power;
    Let Thy blessing fall on me.
  5. All to Jesus I surrender;
    Now I feel the sacred flame.
    Oh, the joy of full salvation!
    Glory, glory, to His Name!
Judson W. Van DeVenter

no comments please…….

The Cloud

The deists came and brought the cloud.

They told us that there is not a loving God who cares and is involved with our affairs.

They told us that at best, god is a like a clock maker.  He made the world and went off and did something else and we believed them.

So now we sing about the cloud.  “God is watching us from a distance.”

The ones who believe are in the cloud too.  They just don’t know it.  For some reason they would rather study their lover’s book than to feel their lover’s presence.  Bible deism it is called.

Wasn’t it hard enough to believe in God already deists?  Why did you have to come and f up things even more?

But there’s a promise. 

One day the earth will be full of the knowledge of the Lord as the waters cover the sea.

One day no one will have to say, “know the Lord for they will all know me.”  I can’t wait for that day.

On that day I won’t doubt.  On that day I won’t be mad a god.  On that day I won’t be afraid anymore.  On that day we won’t be attracted to the gods of money, sex and power.  On that day the cloud will be gone.


I had a job interview the other day that went great!!!   I really hope I get that job.  I would be back in the saddle counseling again where I want to be.   I am applying for other jobs, manager/supervisor jobs, but they don’t feel as vocational as counseling does.    When counseling I feel like I am doing what I was put here in this world to do.   Spiritual direction is the same way.   Will have a conversation with a woman soon about spiritual stuff and can’t wait.  She seems hungry from what I can tell and it is so cool to me to know that I can point her to the spring of living water, like Jesus did with the Samaritan woman.   Like he did with everyone who was hungry for him.   I love that passage where the people come up to the disciples and say.   Sir, we would see Jesus.   It gives me shivers just thinking about it because I think somewhere in people’s hearts they are saying, sir, we would see Jesus.  But they don’t know it so they are looking mainly in money, sex and power…the three biggies right.   The three gods that promise what Jesus did…joy, forgiveneness, love, peace, freedom…the ability to be fully human to finally be able to live to where those qualities instead of worry, anger, fear and distrust are dominating your life.  I even think that some are saying, sir we would see Jesus and God is saying something like, I know what you are asking even if you don’t so I will show him to you.   Then they see him in a mosque when they pray, in a quiet room that just feels peaceful, in an encouraging word from a counselor.   Maybe God is saying I know what you are hungry for so I will show you my beauty in a way that you can receive it.   There it is, sit on this beach for ten minutes and watch the sunset and listen to the waves crashing on the shore and feel my shalom and let me tell your spirit that you are okay, that the present is yours and the future is yours that it is all yours because it is all mine and I have given it all to you.   Here me say that for these 10 minutes on the beach and then when you can hear it I will sing my sweet and powerful song to you again and you will hear it and your hopelessness and emptiness will be gone for a while.   The children’s story, The Song of the King is great for this.  Soon I will talk about this book with the woman I mentioned above and I can’t wait because I think she can hear the song of the King and wants to hear it some more and I can say to her, I hear it too and here is how I hear do you hear it and we can encourage each other.   Jesus you’re beautiful to me!   viya con Dios mes amigas ?sp.