People have told me I have it.  Maybe I have but what they have seen is also what I did to survive.  Not sure how to articulate that any better.  I am getting a lesson though in liberation on this July 4th, that humility is the door to true true true liberation, liberation to the bondage of self.   I have run into walls, no career job, not seeing my kids, what if my kids are messed up?   What if I am messed up?    The driving force?   Ego driven fear. The only way for these things to happen is for me to make them happen.   That has been my modus opperandi and I didn’t even know it.   The solution according to Bill Wilson,  “humility as the avenue  of to true freedom

of the human spirit,  BW 12 and 12 p.73.”    “It was only at the end of a long road, marked by successive defeats and humiliations, and the final crushing of our self-sufficiency, that we began to feel humility as something more than a condition of groveling despair but to be desired and the door to true liberation of the spirit. p 72. words in italics mine.”  

No coincidence we read this chapter today in an AA meeting.  I have not known how to not fear the future but now I am learning, self-sufficiency has to be crushed.    I won’t do this perfectly but the door to a sweet, sweet liberation has been opened and it is starting to be that in the place of worry about the future, what is wrong with me, is the knowledge that my resources are insufficient, the belief that kept me alive,  the necessity to lean on myself when there was no one else to lean on,  save for people who loved me along the way, has to go and it is those people I thank today and am grateful for who taught me I am worth loving.  It is ok to ask for help.  There are real people who when you need them are and will be there.   And a growing serenity and awareness that for me, as I told a friend the other day, that my comfort for me and others is that I can pray and when I do,  now believe,  that he cares and he will answer, that he wants it to be natural for me to ask for his help for me and others, and that reality the reality of life is dependence on him and other people that without his strength I am nothing.  That is my truth anyway.    I don’t think any of us are the source of our own provision even though we live in a world that has tricked us into believing that, a lie so ingrained in my psyche for me that only running into walls over and over again is proving the fallacy of.  Grateful to be more free today than ever before.

Shalom ya’ll



I had this dream

I had this dream last night.  I was at the grocery store and I had got some rewards I was going to cash in.  So I went up to the counter and the lady said here’s how to get your rewards and you are gorgeous btw.   I walked away smiling.   The other day I saw an eagle fly right over my head while I was thinking about getting counseling and getting free from how I have been abused by narcissists.

Today I was in a meeting where we were talking about family members and this guy shared how he has gotten free from the desire to drink and it has been over four years since he had a drink.

What is all this?    The other day I was reading about narcissistic abuse and went on facebook and read something about prayer and asked my hp to take away the depression fatigue and right after I cried really really hard and felt some release.

Yesterday I had a terrible work experience but today I am ok.   I will just go to work tomorrow and I don’t think that I will be worried about it although I have a hard time with people right now.

I honestly believe that what is so beautiful about me right now is that my hp is setting me free.   Maybe I will start feeling like he is my home his love through his presence and other people in my life.    I felt the care for others in that meeting today.  People just saying where they were and other people respecting what they had to say.

So it looks like freedom is on the way.   Freedom from worry and feeling like it is all up to me.  It can’t be all up to me.  I am really hoping that when I really feel better and have more energy I won’t go back to it is all up to me to get jobs and money and all that shit.   I don’t think there is any peace in that.   I think I get the peace I do get from my hp and if I go back to it is all up to me it won’t work.

Grateful today for this now and not yet freedom.   Freedom to love and be loved.   I think that is what it boils down to for me.   There is no real love in narcissism not real love.  But I have known real love from hp and from others going all the way back to my childhood.   I thought I didn’t know what it felt like but I think I do.  I know the feeling of another’s presence that is hard to describe.   Too wonderful to describe yet ordinary and subtle at the same time, to have times when everything is ok and when it doesn’t feel like it is I would like to start thinking that he will come back and it will feel like that again.



here’s what helps me

I listen.   Its like in the book Moby Dick.  The harpooner is the one who is listening.   While all the others are going crazy getting the ship in the exact right place, the harpooner is still, waiting for the perfect shot.

It is sometimes listening to words but most of the time not, just attending to a presence that is sometimes felt and sometimes not.  But I can enter into the calm of this room while I am writing or enter into the stillness of the outdoors especially when there is no sound or wind in the trees or if one of the trees is still.

Sometimes when it is felt I get a real break from all the questions, worries and concerns, what is wrong with me?  Does she like me or think I am a moron?   When I am there I know who I belong to and who belongs to me, who I possess and who possesses me.   It is the sense of someone’s presence but not another person’s presence I have felt before, like the presence of an alien or something.  Words for it are abiding, listening, contemplation, peace, joy, love, wonderful.  There may be a million words for it and sometimes there aren’t any words for it.  I think the best words are like:  beautiful, adorable, the object of my deepest and strongest desire, love language and intimacy are the best words because I am with my lover and he is with me although I can feel my intensity more than his, his seems more settled or something, ever subtle but real none the less.

Trouble and distress make it hard to listen.  I wish that were not the case but it is.  It is hard to settle down in trouble and fear, but it always comes back.  And even in the trouble and the fear the sun is shining behind the bleak dark clouds.  If anything I am able to endure it and sometimes the fears are not realized.   There is always stillness after the storm.






little girls and balloons

Sometimes I will see like a little girl with a balloon and I say to her, can I have that balloon and she will hold it out to me.  Why?  Because she knows that her mom has all the balloons in the world and she can just get another one.  Right?   Then the little girl grows up (like my daughter, here comes the proud parent part)  and she goes out on her own, independent, making her own way, proud of herself as she should be that she can make it on her own, without her parents help.   But a lot of people stop there don’t they.  We think damn, if I am going to get what I want and need I need to do whatever I need to do to grab it cause that pie looks awefully ?sp. damn small and look at all those hands grabbing for that little pie.  Shit, what am I going to do now……But if that woman is lucky she grows up again and learns again what she knew,  really knew to be that truth of her existence,  when she was young.   That she has a mom/dad,  whoever that has all the balloons, cars, money, boyfriends, good husbands or good wives as the case may be, dogs, cats, back yards, fences, nice neighbors, that she/he will ever ever ever  need.

“my precious daughter/son, love of my life, light of my world, heart of my own heart and deepest longing and desire in the deepest recesses of my heart and soul, that I would rather die than live without you doesn’t even come close to what I am trying to say, and words fail utterly and completely to express this… are always with me and everything I have belongs to you.”

I know…what about….and what about…..and what about….i know…..idk, idk, i know but idk about those things….all I know is that there is just something in me calling me to trust and saying something like, do you want to be free?   do you want to be free, then look and see, just look and see because there is more that is really really really there than what you have been seeing, and don’t be afraid cause this is true whether you believe it or not, believing it does not make it true, it is true and very, very real….and you are starting to believe it aren’t you….and i say, yes i am, yes I am because when I look back on what I have done, the things I have made it through, the things I am making it through, like being ripped and torn from my daughter’s life, rip my heart out right but don’t rip me from her like you did, right?  decades, okay decades of depression and other stuff, ok, just other stuff I think, how did I do that, how am I alive, denying that my life has been and is bigger way the hell bigger right, way the hell bigger than me, and will continue to be way the hell bigger than me is getting harder and harder to deny……..denial is not a river in Egypt I have lived most of my life there and I don’t know about you but freedom is calling me and its voice is so so gorgeous and beautiful ineffably beautiful saying something like….just let yourself be the beautiful person that you are it says be who you are, let me help you to be you all you have to do is just be you….and I am starting to say….yea, right, yea……that is what I want…that really, really, really is what I want, i guess I’m not who they said I was, maybe just maybe I am who you are telling me that I am, i do want to believe it and I am starting to I am really starting to and I like actually love how that makes me feel, love it, absolutely fuckin ey, love it lol… I don’t know how else to say that……….


a beach head was established, the para-troopers went in, enemy communications were incapacitated, we are going in for the kill, a joyous liberation of those in bondage, slavery, depression and despair is about to occur, the moon and sky will fill with blood and the stars will fall from the sky and the liberation will be complete in the kingdom of the soul……..why did it take so long in coming……..why did such a high price have to be paid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????     no answer, just that now is the kairos……i hope, what if it doesn’t come I speak as if it is a foregone conclusion……i feel the promise though, i feel the unconscious under the tip of the iceberg stirring,   the sky will get dark and full of clouds, thunder will shake the house, fear will set in then the clouds you so much dread will be big with mercy and grace and fall in blessings on your head…why not you?  why not you?  why not me?  why not.  then the mind’s sky will be unclouded, then the quiet will set in, a profound stillness in the soul that waits that rests.  I thought I had to wait til later for this………..could it be?     i feel the promise stirring inside waiting to be born, someone precious with a power not his own, nothing to brag or boast about, just someone to glorify and others to love………living to be a living legacy to the leader of the band as his blood runs through his instrument and his song in his soul, ever singing, ever listening to Joy Unspeakable and Full of Glory.

“I don’t care anymore.” Phil Collins, and me :) lol

“I Don’t Care Anymore”

Well you can tell ev’ryone I’m a down disgrace
Drag my name all over the place.
I don’t care anymore.
You can tell ev’rybody ’bout the state I’m in
You won’t catch me crying ‘cos I just can’t win.
I don’t care anymore I don’t care anymore

I don’t care what you say
I don’t play the same games you play.

‘Cos I’ve been talking to the people that you call your friends
And it seems to me there’s a means to and end.
They don’t care anymore.
And as for me I can sit here and bide my time
I got nothing to lose if I speak my mind.
I don’t care anymore I don’t care no more

I don’t care what you say
We never played by the same rules anyway.

I won’t be there anymore
Get out of my way
Let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I don’t care anymore I don’t care anymore
I don’t care anymore I don’t care anymore

Well, I don’t care now what you say
‘Cos ev’ry day I’m feeling fine with myself
And I don’t care now what you say
Hey I’ll do alright by myself
‘Cos I know.

‘Cos I remember all the times I tried so hard
And you laughed in my face ‘cos you held all the cards.
I don’t care anymore.
And I really ain’t bothered what you think of me
‘Cos all I want of you is just a let me be.
I don’t care anymore D’you hear? I don’t care no more

I don’t care what you say
I never did believe you much anyway.

I won’t be there no more
So get out of my way.
Let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I don’t care anymore
D’you hear? I don’t care anymore
I don’t care no more
You listening? I don’t care no more
No more!

You know I don’t care no more!

A while back I heard on the radio, Phil Collin’s song, I don’t care anymore.   Great song I have always thought but this time I listened to the words.   In the song he is not saying that he does not care about her, or whomever it was.  He is just saying that he doesn’t care anymore what she thinks about him.  Listening to the song I realized that we really weren’t playing by the same rules either.   Hers, it seems to me had a lot more to do with the things money can buy that we didn’t have.   I had some rich friends, but I just had fun with them.  I did not envy them that they had things I didn’t.  The rich people I know like to have a good time.  And I have had a good time with them.    Anyway, the main thing I get out of the song is…don’t let other people fuck with your spirit and I have been doing that……I have been doing that….I have been doing that and I don’t want to do it any more.   No more.  Ya hear me no more….

This quote I read today re-emphasizes that for me.

A person may break your heart and damage your pride, but never ever give them the power to break your spirit. Susan Gale

I am done with letting my ex or anyone else for that matter jack with my spirit.  I like my spirit.  I have a good one.  Enough said.   I have a good spirit and so do you……….

a beautiful song by sara groves

“Loving A Person”

Loving a person just the way they are, it’s no small thing
its the whole thing.
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we’re waiting
We need grace either way

Hold on to me
I’ll hold on to you
Let’s find out the beauty of seeing things through

There’s a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It’s a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can’t occupy the same spaces baby
Only one makes you free

Hold on to me
I’ll hold on to you
Let’s find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go looking for offense
We’re going to find it
If we go looking for real love
We’re going to find it

loving me just the way I am ain’t no small thing.
takes some time, takes some time, takes some time.

this song brings tears to my eyes.

Shed a Little Light by James Tayor.

for more on the mist read Rick Riordan.   The demi-gods like Percy Jackson could see monsters and other things that mortals could not see because of the mist. There was one mortal who could see through the mist in the Percy Jackson series.   She became the “seer,” a prophet.  Part of the mist for me in this world is the darkness that obscures hope.   This song sees through that mist.

Let us turn our thoughts today
To Martin Luther King
And recognize that there are ties between us,
All men and women living on the Earth.
Ties of hope and love,
Sister and brotherhood,
That we are bound together
In our desire to see the world
Become a place in which our children
Can grow free and strong.
We are bound together by the task
That stands before us
And the road that lies ahead.
We are bound and we are bound.

There is a feeling like the clenching of a fist
There is a hunger in the center of the chest
There is a passage through the darkness
And the mist
And though the body sleeps
The heart will never rest

Shed a little light, oh Lord,
So that we can see,
Just a little light, oh Lord.
Want to stand it on up,
Stand it on up, oh Lord,
Want to walk it on down,
Shed a little light, oh Lord.

Can’t get no light from the dollar bill,
Don’t give me no light from a TV screen.
When I open my eyes I want to drink my fill
From the well on the hill,
Do you know what I mean?

Shed a little light, oh Lord,
So that we can see,
Just a little light, oh Lord.
Want to stand it on up,
Stand it on up, oh Lord,
Want to walk it on down,
Shed a little light, oh Lord.

There is a feeling like the clenching of a fist,
There is a hunger in the center of the chest.
There is a passage through the darkness
And the mist
And though the body sleeps
The heart will never rest.

Oh, Let us turn our thoughts today
To Martin Luther King
And recognize that there are ties between us.
All men and women living on the Earth,
Ties of hope and love,
Sister and brotherhood.