listening

in the quite in the absence of loneliness, a common occurrence where most of the time the significance is lost on me.

the other day in the meeting, stay the course

the other meeting, the person who felt god’s presence

three good job interviews

a friend that helps in practical ways

others reaching out, checking on me

me reaching out checking on others, wounded healers are we

the bad things I fear not happening

the desire to improve, move forward

milo

knowing that the animals have no forethought of grief, thinking that mine me calm down at some point.

other people understanding, knowing what it is like, how bad it was

more peace in the house after the confrontation, peace after the sword

courage to pull my sword out when I have to

and letting him know I am not afraid to use it

 

 

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gratitude

its in my heart

along with some other good things

when i think of the thing I am grateful for

I am confident that I possess it

but it is always there

whether I speak the thing or not

grateful for being grateful

the secret to being content?

idk

it sure is a good thing to have

since if there is a gift

there must be a giver

and for the giver I am most grateful of all.

the one who gives all other things

their splendor and their glory..

-by Salvador Edwards

grateful for:

birds

trees

flowers

plants

Milo the dog

beautiful women

did I say beautiful women? ¬†ūüôā

selling cars

learning to sell cars

people who are willing to teach me how to sell cars and believe in me enough to do it

hot dogs

hamburgers

baseball and Chevrolet

Honda cars

muscle cars

such a mid life thing but I think muscle cars are gorgeous

because I sell Hondas. ¬†wanna buy one? ūüôā

people skills

relational skills

that I am smart

that I know the limits of my brain

it couldn’t help me understand that I have a drinking problem

i needed a higher power for that

my higher power

beautiful people

everyone is beautiful

Whitney Houston

 

 

grateful for:

meditating a lot of the day, holy crap…………

milo the dog

AA, I am a fucking alcoholic

new friends

hope

joy

love

faith

truth

cars

the car I will own again someday

a good job interview

people who like crazy shit that I like

crazy shit

crazy people

that next to nothing makes sense, higher powers, my past, me, other people, all that shit so maybe i can accept this stuff if NONE of it makes much sense, make sense?????

the quiet in the living room….petting Milo

this computer

beautiful women…..

beautiful people

anything beautiful and most things are….maybe, idk……..

reasons to be hopeful

some money to buy my daughter a gift…..

songs in my head…..”there is good and bad in everyone…learn to live when we learn to give each other what we need to survive, ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony……..side by side on my keyboard oh Lord why don’t we…….”

tomorrow……..whatever happens tomorrow………being a little less afraid of tomorrow……

people I can help make happy: listening, selling, admiring, enjoying, etc.

ok real quick

I am grateful for the beer I used to drink and that now I can stop

tonight if the sky is clear there is a meteor shower so check it out.  grateful for stars

grateful for books:  I got the mother load tonite.  they were buy one get one free so I bought four.  holy crap the poor mans paradise.

grateful for love joy peace, happiness, anti-depressants, my daughters

the sex that made my daughters, chocolate, chocolate and sex]

ummmm    oh, a grateful heart, that I still have a job, a checking account, that I can pay the rent, that I can buy food in the store, right like when you dont have those things you get grateful, for my Juliet, ummmm    did I say sex, right ok, ummmm   how about potential future sex  ok ok

my laptop, medicine, ties to wear even though i don’t like wearing them, beautiful people esp. women, that I want to help people, trees, the grace of nature, ice cream, poeple with spirits, that would be everybody.

ummm ¬† ¬† did I say beautiful women….ok. ¬† handsome men I guess….the beauty in everybody, that just about everybody has good in them……and i want to see it….and celebrate it….books, world peace, the thought of it anyway, ¬† that I believe the ending of the world is a good one not that shit that the world is going to hell in a hand basket…so hope, that is hope to me, that one day heaven will kiss the earth for good, what is that like a long french kiss of heaven and earth…not sure

ummm ¬† me. ¬†i like me that I like me, you i don’t even know you but I am glad you exist and you bless this whole frickin world with yourself…..and we are the only people who can bless the world with who we are…right. ¬†right

um that some terrorist have a heart…i heard one being interviewed and he really had a heart, he was being controlled by someone else…that there is a hell for people like the controllers of terrorists….at least there may be…..planets that there may be another planet with beautiful women on it maybe a whole planet of them….maybe

that i have heard there is a statistical certainty that there is a parrellel uiniverse some where just like this one…for the higgs boson particle….that the speed of light is not I say not a constant..it has changed over time….that consistency is the hobgoblin of feeble minds ¬† ¬†for tenderness, compassion and strong people who are not afraid to show their weakness that weakness can somehow be your strength if you let it…that by dying I can live, for paradoxes….even though too many of them and my mind starts to get fried, know what I mean vern?

ummmm ¬† ¬†did I say you, yeah I did, for my roommate he is gloriously imperfect and I really like that about him. ¬†I think I should tell him don’t you….I love the shit out of imperfect people, something about them reminds me of me……

ummmm ¬† ¬†boxes, I have a box on my floor I just need to organize my papers….that I have everything I need. ¬†at least I tell myself that do and I am less likely now to say what are you out of your mind how could you have everything you need? ¬† ¬† ¬† that I like helping other people ¬† ¬†and one day will be less of a worrier, that i went about two days without freaking out inside…listen that is progress for me, oh yeah and for divorce, it was nasty but grateful anyway…..for another day and maybe another one tomorrow they are all gravy for me now anyway….if you only knew……

ummm ¬† that’s good for now.. ¬† ¬†shalom yall

turning point

it seems that I have reached a turning point in my recovery.¬†¬† basically it is that drinking doesn’t work for me anymore, that realization, my sponsor (who I fired) because I have been through too much shit to take what I consider to be shtit off of people, but anyway, he said ask people about their first step experience, one woman said, it just stopped working for me, and I realized that it had for me too and I was still trying to drink thinking that I would just have a little fun, right……it was instructive for me that everyone I asked had a different experience, hello, no surprise right, right

It especially doesn’t work because of the work I have done in therapy.¬†¬† Feeling bad about things is no longer ego-syntonic for me.¬† I don’t like feeling bad about myself now because healing has happened for me, healing from some of the shitty¬† past.¬†¬†¬† When I decide not to drink because I don’t want to feel bad it affirms that the work we did is sticking.¬†¬† Man I am so so grateful…my heart has lots of gratitude in it more than before and I need to remember that when I think about how much money I make and all that shit.¬†¬†¬† I was so used to feeling bad that I was afraid to feel good….and happy although distance, literal distance from toxic people in my life has REALLY HELPED BIG TIME.