good stuff

Don’t know about you but I am not always able to interpret my heart.  Like why has it been so weighed down?   Been sick, yada yada yada but I am pretty sure now it has to do with the revelation not too long ago that my ex is narcissistic.   So therefore I have lived with narcissists my whole life.   Read a book on the subject recently and cried really hard.   That may have been my conformation can’t remember actually.   But it is really good to know if you know what I mean.   With a good counselor, this weight has an end date and I know what it is and what to do about.  I rarely have that kind of clarity.   Hope this guy knows what he’s doing, gaslighting cognitive dissonace this guy needs to know what those things are.  I will ask of course.   Saw him once and he did pretty good.   Asked a lot of questions to start getting the lay of my land like I would have done.  But I need to trust someone too and I have more of a problem with that than I thought.   Need to trust the beautiful universe too that healing is imminent for me as my spirit says that it is.   What an amazing feeling!   Really amazing.    As a therapist I  would help people heal and think when is it going to be my turn.  Knock on wood, I think my turn as arrived.   What will I be like afterwards, not sure but it will be good I am sure of that.   And to remind myself that this process has already started, taking care of myself along the way, letting people care about me, being ok that I really care about others and not pathologizing that, hearing someone criticize one of my current relationships and then being able to say to myself, it is a really good relationship and no matter how long it lasts I will be a better person for it and hopefully she will too, thanks to understanding cognitive dissonance, starting to hear the inner critic and being able to start to say to him, you are full of shit and really believing that and not letting him keep me confused, knowing that these strong reactions do not mean I am screwed up but are very very normal after the hell I have been through and that any normal person would have reacted the way I did to constant devaluing, giving myself a break regarding the things I have done to check out for a while just to cope with….whatever that was.    So onward and upward:)




I did something really hard to do

I did something really hard to do.

I confronted my ex and my daughters about something.

And I think they are open to what I had to say.

glory be to my higher power

glory be to my higher power

for his goodness to me

and to the ones I care about.

Well I spoke to soon about being open to stuff

but am ok that I did the right thing……….


because people are sick

and often times they know not what they do

forgive yourself

the accuser needs no longer to be internalized

what’s happened has happened

and someone was there taking care of you

even when you didn’t know it

and especially when you  didn’t understand what was going on

enjoy what you have

but you don’t understand, I don’t understand, I am confused

yea, I know

just receive what you have been given

ok, I’ll try

you know what to do

just keep listening

and more will be revealed.

until then,

just keep listening……

giving up the will to punish part 2

Based on the information you have gathered the prayer goes something like this:

1.  Ask the person to close their eyes, do an relaxation exercise to help them get centered.

Say to them, I want you to go to the place inside yourself where you hold the will to punish so and so.  And ask them to let go of it.   Sometimes people will start to tear up here.   Nobody for me has never said no they will not, because they want freedom and healing 🙂

2.  Next ask them to take their present self and their higher power to the memory of their younger selve’s trauma and ask them to interact with their younger self in order to let their higher power care for them in that memory.   At this point I will pray for the client and watch them.  For one person, Jesus was their higher power and it was a memory a woman had of sexual abuse.  Jesus lifted her up and took her out of the home where she was safe. Loudly she said, “he is picking me up and carrying me out of the house!!!!”    Some people are quite and don’t say anything.   For the woman I described earlier, Jesus became a mediator between her and her father. (Her mother and father were divorced and she was visiting her father with her sister and her father had a new partner who had her own children)   Jesus as the mediator said to her, “it is not that your father does not love you.  He does love you.  He is not very affectionate with you because he is affraid and confused and just does not know how to show you or tell you that he loves you right now.  But he does love you.”    (Is that not powerful or what!!!   She heard her higher power tell her that her father really does love her and helped her empathize with her father  and broke the negative belief that men do not love her. (BTW I learned this later AFTER the prayer.  Some people do this kind of thing and ask the person what is going on in the memory.  I don’t do that unless they are stuck for some reason.  I do not intrude in this sacred time as their higher power is working to transform and heal their trauma.)

3.   Next, if they are not already there as in the case above, take the client to their safe place with their higher power and their older and younger self.  When someone did this for me, I interacted with little Mark and told him that things were going to be hard but he would get through it all and be ok and that God would be with him every step of the way.   Once they are there, I say, “Your name is no longer unloved by men but your new name is God’s beloved daughter and a woman worthy of love from men.”   I do that with each of the false beliefs and the corresponding truth that has been identified beforehand.

4.  End the prayer how you wish blessing the person in some way.   After the prayer I am curious as to what happened in step 2 and I will ask people.    This has proved to be a powerful source of healing for people.   One person was delivered from depression in one session and it did not return as far as I know.  And when things like that happen, or for all of it really I give God the credit since for me God is the primary actor and director of the prayer intervening for people in ways that I may never think of as in the case above with the woman who did not feel loved by her father.  I am a counselor and have used this in clinical settings and as a pastor with parishioners.

Freedom: What it means to me right now.

I watched the movie Flight recently.   Denzel Washington played an alcoholic/addict who landed safely a Jet Airliner that nobody should have been able to land drunk or sober and he was def. drunk at the time.  And he almost got away with it.   His “helpful” union lawyer almost got him off.   But during an inquiry he was asked about three bottles of booze that were empty on the plane after it crash landed and was asked if he thought one of stewardesses who was killed drank those on the plane.   He said no.  He knew she didn’t because he drank them and then confessed to being high and drunk that last three or four days leading up to the flight.   In the next scene you see him in jail probably in an AA meeting telling his story.   At the end he said, this may sound crazy or stupid because I know I am locked up and all but here in this prison with you guys is the first time I have truly been free.

I have had money good jobs family and the whole nine yards but have never been free, free to not do the things I don’t want to do.   I cannot remember a time when I was not doing something I didn’t want to do.   And I am ready ready to be free.   Maybe this isn’t the best description of freedom but it sure is attractive to me.   One time I had a picture of myself running towards a goal, at the end of my life and as I was running I was stripping off my clothes.   That is my metaphor for what I want to be free.   I guess I have always been free to do or not do anything, but I have not acted that way.  I am ready to act that way though.

Got a job.

I recently got a job as a counselor.  I will be doing home-based couseling with young people and their families on welfare.   This is the perfect job for me.   I get to counsel with the poor.   I felt called to service with the poor back in college and haven’t really known what that would look like until now.  It pays to not give up on a calling.  About a year or so ago I asked my wife if she still felt called to serve the poor.  She said no, but she is doing it so maybe she was just mad at me and that is why she said no.  I am not sure, but while we were together I had an opportunity to work towards being licensed.  I needed to take some classes.   She said there is no money in our budget for your classes.  But it must be God’s plan.  Now  I have a job where I can work toward being license.  I have felt pretty condemned by my family.  I hurt them and they have responded back by hurting me.   Today in church I got some healing.   I imagined King Aragon breaking, more like pulverizing the chain of condemnation I have been tied to.  I am sure I will still need to keep telling myself the truth that there is no more condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus and that he nailed my guilt and shame to the cross, but the truth will be able to stick better now that I have some healing.   God has been healing me like crazy I guess to prepare me for this new work.   I cried last night watching the memorial presentation for the museum about 9/11.   As loved ones were saying that their loved one died doing what was most important helping others instead of worrying about themselves.  This healing is helping me to let go of my worries and thinking about myself in the sense that I am less imprisoned by addiction and self condemnation.  God is setting more and more free to love him and to bring healing into other people’s lives.   Boy, what an honor to have been used to bring healing for others, to receive it myself and to be more empowered then to help others.   Had a good talk with the pastor of the church where I attended today and told him about some of the ways God has been using me.   Who knows what may be in store there for me and through me.   It is hard not to let my mind run ahead to all the possibilities, but maybe that isn’t a bad thing.  That is the church’s job in my opinion to be be light in the lives of people to bring healing, wholeness, to set the captives free as Jesus and Isaiah said.   That is the inbreaking of God’s kingdom and to be a part of it is more wonderful than words.  I am in awe of God and what he is doing and that I can see it and be a participant is way cool.   Thanks for letting me share.


As a result of the inner healing prayer I received along with the guided imagery prayer I prayed in church the other day it appears that the shame that has been driving my addiction has been neutralized.   How do I know?  The proof is in the pudding as they say.  I am now able to make different choices where I couldn’t before at least not consistently.  What more can I say.  I do give glory to God for this.  You can read the progression of the healing from earlier posts.  I became empowered to surrender and what that means to me is that I quit fighting in my own will power.  I had a couple lapses after that that were confusing right?  Question if the healing really took and other questions.  But the last couple nights I have been able to leave my phone in the car and not go out and get it and i am growing in confidence that that pattern will continue.   Of course I have respect for the addiction so I will continue to make phone calls, work the steps, etc.   So smoking is next.  I feel like I have progressed from a private in the battle against evil in the hearts of humanity to a saergent anyway.  Onward and upward fellow warriors 🙂

“This is how the birth of Jesus the Messiah came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit. 19 Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.

20 But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. 21 She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.”

22 All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: 23 “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel”(which means “God with us”).

24 When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. 25 But he did not consummate their marriage until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.” (Matthew 1:18-24, NIV)