when I feel like I have lost my way

I remember when being trained as a counselor they said, whenever you feel like you have lost your way go back to listening.  That is the foundation.  Listening, reflectively listening to the person.  What are they saying?  How do they feel?  What does what they are saying mean to them?  Go back to that and you will find your way again.

Sometimes in life I feel like I am lost.  I thought I would be doing this and I am doing that?  And worrying about myself.  Man I hate that.  Worrying at work and all that stuff.

I am thinking for me that love is for life what reflective listening is for counseling.  What is one thing you can do where you can’t go wrong.  I remember as a pastor there would be something I needed to say to someone or do.  Some approach I needed to take, maybe something hard but truthful I needed to say and I would start to get afraid of their reaction.  I would just say to myself, this comes from love.  Let your love win over your fear.  Don’t worry about what they may say or do to try to hurt you.  And I did get hurt bad one time.   This is no guarantee that you won’t get hurt but it is all I can think of.

I have fear in their but I also have much compassion, much compassion and that can win over fear if I let it.  If I start work with, my job is to love these people, my bosses, my co-workers, even and especially the ones who are harsh and even bully me.  Yeah, I have been in this frickin job a little over a month and that has happened already.  And especially loving the members.   When I started this job I asked the interviewer what motivates you about your job.   She said I am not as much in contact with the members as before, but helping them is what motivates me.  So pretty much on that alone I took the job.   And maybe that is how I find my way when I feel lost.  My fucking truck broke down a month and a half ago and my medicine still isn’t right.   Well, my job is still to love, and I can do that with a messed up truck and not quite right medicine.

Shalom ya’ll,

Salvador

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“And we are put on earth a little space, That we may learn to bear the beams of love” William Blake

For me it is easier to have it and feel it for others

than it is for me to receive it

Just being honest

Maybe one day that will be different

idk

If not the awareness of his and other’s presence

is enough

I do think I am doing what I was put here to do

to love.

Salvador Edwards

love

Love can win out.

When I am worried about myself

Love can win out.

Focus on the other person

And don’t worry about myself

That is the conclusion I came to recently.

Hopefully it works

I don’t like feeling jealous

And all that other shit.

Maybe that is my answer.

To let love win out all the time.

It seems to be the answer with this one person

Hopefully that will be my peace.

With this one person, anyway.

Love

It is our affections and desires good or bad that move us to act.   Inspired by Jonathan Edwards in Religious Affections

“Love often times knows no measure, but is fervent beyond all measure.  Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of labors, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse of impossibility; for it thinks all things possible for itself and all things lawful.   It is therefore strong for all things, and it completes many things, and brings them to effect, where he who does not love faints and lies down.   Love is watchful and sleeping slumbers not.  Though wearied it is not tired; though pressed it is not straitened; though alarmed, it is not confounded;  but as a lively flame and burning torch, it forces its way upward and securely passes through all.  If any person love, he knows what is the cry of this voice.  For it is a loud cry in the ears of God, that ardent affection of the soul, when it says: “My God, object of my love, thou art all mine, and I am all thine.”  Thomas a Kempis

It is Love that holds everything together I believe.

ya’ll

Ya’ll yesterday I was working in a subdivision and a bald eagle flew right over my head at the exact same time I was wondering what to do about my distress.  Right, it was the promise of freedom.  Today I worked with this guy named Rufus and we agreed that we would work together for a while.  I was telling him about all my worries and he said something about god that I can’t remember.  I remember saying that my daddy owns the cattle on a thousand hills, I just wish I could trust him more.  This evening I am calmer.  Not too worried about will I sprain my ankle carrying heavy doors and stuff over big construction rocks.  Ok that I work construction right now.  Ok that there is a woman I care about who is more sick now than ever.  Just really ok with that.

I said to him, where have you been love?  Of course I didn’t get an answer.  In a meeting the other day a young woman met her higher power when she was outside looking at a lightening bug.  This calm came over her.  That to me is the powerful calm that holds everything together.  I heard a number of stories in the same meeting of things happening like that.  Of a someone orchestrating events in their lives that they could not explain.  I am about ready to give up trying to figure out and understand and just accept.  Accept that I care for her.  Accept that for me anyway this person is not ready to come down and make everything right even though that is what I want and I think that that is what I am supposed to want that he delays for some reason maybe until more people want a higher power and are willing to say, uncle.   I can’t carry the weight of the world around on my shoulders any more.  It is just too much.  Shit isn’t going to happen when I want it to, but when and if it is supposed to.  And that the present is not a bad place to be really sitting here with shit all over my floor.  Everything I own in this room because what I own really doesn’t matter to me all that much and it never has mattered all that much.  And right now I know some beautiful people.  An older man in a truck speaking words of life to me today.   Someone who finally just lets me love them and doesn’t run away, doesn’t ask a lot of stupid questions, goes through hell and doesn’t complain.  People in meetings talking about the miracle of staying sober.  Some who don’t have any angle.  They just want to help the next sick and suffering alcoholic.   Right here in this room where right now everything is as it should be.

here’s what helps me

I listen.   Its like in the book Moby Dick.  The harpooner is the one who is listening.   While all the others are going crazy getting the ship in the exact right place, the harpooner is still, waiting for the perfect shot.

It is sometimes listening to words but most of the time not, just attending to a presence that is sometimes felt and sometimes not.  But I can enter into the calm of this room while I am writing or enter into the stillness of the outdoors especially when there is no sound or wind in the trees or if one of the trees is still.

Sometimes when it is felt I get a real break from all the questions, worries and concerns, what is wrong with me?  Does she like me or think I am a moron?   When I am there I know who I belong to and who belongs to me, who I possess and who possesses me.   It is the sense of someone’s presence but not another person’s presence I have felt before, like the presence of an alien or something.  Words for it are abiding, listening, contemplation, peace, joy, love, wonderful.  There may be a million words for it and sometimes there aren’t any words for it.  I think the best words are like:  beautiful, adorable, the object of my deepest and strongest desire, love language and intimacy are the best words because I am with my lover and he is with me although I can feel my intensity more than his, his seems more settled or something, ever subtle but real none the less.

Trouble and distress make it hard to listen.  I wish that were not the case but it is.  It is hard to settle down in trouble and fear, but it always comes back.  And even in the trouble and the fear the sun is shining behind the bleak dark clouds.  If anything I am able to endure it and sometimes the fears are not realized.   There is always stillness after the storm.

 

 

 

 

 

the kingdom that lasts forever

Daniel told about a kingdom that will last forever and will crush all the other kingdoms.  That kingdom is in this world right now I believe.   It is the kingdom of the little ego and the big soul.   The church has the teaching about the kingdom but not much power I believe.   As the church seems to be a breading ground right now for big egos.   I think the church lacks the ferocity to crush much of anything right now.   I may be wrong, but I see this kind of spiritual life in AA and NA and the other 12 step groups.   They know about the problem of the big ego and every day you can go to a meeting and hear people talk about the problem of their big ego and what they are doing about with the help of a higher power.   And I think this is a kingdom of love.   But the kind of love that is powerful enough to crush big egos and knows that things like suffering helps to grow big souls.   I may be wrong on that one too, since I don’t want more suffering for anybody including myself.   But Revelation talks about the tree of life when the new heaven and new earth are finally here.  Its leaves are for the healing of the nations.  Does that mean that complete healing happens in the after life?  Not sure.  Maybe.   I do think that that healing is available now at least in part as the kingdom that will last forever is here as well.   The kingdom of the little egos and big souls.  That is where the life is, I believe.  That is where the life is.

I wonder…

I wonder what will happen when the world starts to see its narcissism better.  I know for me I am being asked,  I believe, to loving, lovingly, and  lovingly confront some people.  I have tried to just get away from them all but for now anyway that doesn’t seem to be in the cards.  And it probably never will be.

 

and the goodness goes on

and the goodness goes on

while the evil maims kills and destroys

lies cheats and steals

manipulates controls

shames and blames

and the goodness goes on

they doing what they do

not knowing why or how

doing it to us

thinking it is all our fault

and so do we

and if we are lucky we find out

its not its not its not, none of it

nor is it theirs

and the goodness goes on

we take our swords and sing

while we slay the evil in the narcissists

not knowing why or how

until we do.

then emboldened

with fire in our eyes and our bellies

we continue to wage war

and will continue

until the goodness is complete

using our weapons of love

that gift from Harry’s mother

and the goodness goes on