Love

It is our affections and desires good or bad that move us to act.   Inspired by Jonathan Edwards in Religious Affections

“Love often times knows no measure, but is fervent beyond all measure.  Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of labors, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse of impossibility; for it thinks all things possible for itself and all things lawful.   It is therefore strong for all things, and it completes many things, and brings them to effect, where he who does not love faints and lies down.   Love is watchful and sleeping slumbers not.  Though wearied it is not tired; though pressed it is not straitened; though alarmed, it is not confounded;  but as a lively flame and burning torch, it forces its way upward and securely passes through all.  If any person love, he knows what is the cry of this voice.  For it is a loud cry in the ears of God, that ardent affection of the soul, when it says: “My God, object of my love, thou art all mine, and I am all thine.”  Thomas a Kempis

It is Love that holds everything together I believe.

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ya’ll

Ya’ll yesterday I was working in a subdivision and a bald eagle flew right over my head at the exact same time I was wondering what to do about my distress.  Right, it was the promise of freedom.  Today I worked with this guy named Rufus and we agreed that we would work together for a while.  I was telling him about all my worries and he said something about god that I can’t remember.  I remember saying that my daddy owns the cattle on a thousand hills, I just wish I could trust him more.  This evening I am calmer.  Not too worried about will I sprain my ankle carrying heavy doors and stuff over big construction rocks.  Ok that I work construction right now.  Ok that there is a woman I care about who is more sick now than ever.  Just really ok with that.

I said to him, where have you been love?  Of course I didn’t get an answer.  In a meeting the other day a young woman met her higher power when she was outside looking at a lightening bug.  This calm came over her.  That to me is the powerful calm that holds everything together.  I heard a number of stories in the same meeting of things happening like that.  Of a someone orchestrating events in their lives that they could not explain.  I am about ready to give up trying to figure out and understand and just accept.  Accept that I care for her.  Accept that for me anyway this person is not ready to come down and make everything right even though that is what I want and I think that that is what I am supposed to want that he delays for some reason maybe until more people want a higher power and are willing to say, uncle.   I can’t carry the weight of the world around on my shoulders any more.  It is just too much.  Shit isn’t going to happen when I want it to, but when and if it is supposed to.  And that the present is not a bad place to be really sitting here with shit all over my floor.  Everything I own in this room because what I own really doesn’t matter to me all that much and it never has mattered all that much.  And right now I know some beautiful people.  An older man in a truck speaking words of life to me today.   Someone who finally just lets me love them and doesn’t run away, doesn’t ask a lot of stupid questions, goes through hell and doesn’t complain.  People in meetings talking about the miracle of staying sober.  Some who don’t have any angle.  They just want to help the next sick and suffering alcoholic.   Right here in this room where right now everything is as it should be.

here’s what helps me

I listen.   Its like in the book Moby Dick.  The harpooner is the one who is listening.   While all the others are going crazy getting the ship in the exact right place, the harpooner is still, waiting for the perfect shot.

It is sometimes listening to words but most of the time not, just attending to a presence that is sometimes felt and sometimes not.  But I can enter into the calm of this room while I am writing or enter into the stillness of the outdoors especially when there is no sound or wind in the trees or if one of the trees is still.

Sometimes when it is felt I get a real break from all the questions, worries and concerns, what is wrong with me?  Does she like me or think I am a moron?   When I am there I know who I belong to and who belongs to me, who I possess and who possesses me.   It is the sense of someone’s presence but not another person’s presence I have felt before, like the presence of an alien or something.  Words for it are abiding, listening, contemplation, peace, joy, love, wonderful.  There may be a million words for it and sometimes there aren’t any words for it.  I think the best words are like:  beautiful, adorable, the object of my deepest and strongest desire, love language and intimacy are the best words because I am with my lover and he is with me although I can feel my intensity more than his, his seems more settled or something, ever subtle but real none the less.

Trouble and distress make it hard to listen.  I wish that were not the case but it is.  It is hard to settle down in trouble and fear, but it always comes back.  And even in the trouble and the fear the sun is shining behind the bleak dark clouds.  If anything I am able to endure it and sometimes the fears are not realized.   There is always stillness after the storm.

 

 

 

 

 

the kingdom that lasts forever

Daniel told about a kingdom that will last forever and will crush all the other kingdoms.  That kingdom is in this world right now I believe.   It is the kingdom of the little ego and the big soul.   The church has the teaching about the kingdom but not much power I believe.   As the church seems to be a breading ground right now for big egos.   I think the church lacks the ferocity to crush much of anything right now.   I may be wrong, but I see this kind of spiritual life in AA and NA and the other 12 step groups.   They know about the problem of the big ego and every day you can go to a meeting and hear people talk about the problem of their big ego and what they are doing about with the help of a higher power.   And I think this is a kingdom of love.   But the kind of love that is powerful enough to crush big egos and knows that things like suffering helps to grow big souls.   I may be wrong on that one too, since I don’t want more suffering for anybody including myself.   But Revelation talks about the tree of life when the new heaven and new earth are finally here.  Its leaves are for the healing of the nations.  Does that mean that complete healing happens in the after life?  Not sure.  Maybe.   I do think that that healing is available now at least in part as the kingdom that will last forever is here as well.   The kingdom of the little egos and big souls.  That is where the life is, I believe.  That is where the life is.

I wonder…

I wonder what will happen when the world starts to see its narcissism better.  I know for me I am being asked,  I believe, to loving, lovingly, and  lovingly confront some people.  I have tried to just get away from them all but for now anyway that doesn’t seem to be in the cards.  And it probably never will be.

 

and the goodness goes on

and the goodness goes on

while the evil maims kills and destroys

lies cheats and steals

manipulates controls

shames and blames

and the goodness goes on

they doing what they do

not knowing why or how

doing it to us

thinking it is all our fault

and so do we

and if we are lucky we find out

its not its not its not, none of it

nor is it theirs

and the goodness goes on

we take our swords and sing

while we slay the evil in the narcissists

not knowing why or how

until we do.

then emboldened

with fire in our eyes and our bellies

we continue to wage war

and will continue

until the goodness is complete

using our weapons of love

that gift from Harry’s mother

and the goodness goes on

what to do about fear? hesed va emit

I am not sure exactly as I feel it on a regular basis.

The opposite?  Is it faith or love?  Maybe the answer is yes and yes.

Faithful love.  In Hebrew, hesed va emit.  love and faithfulness

How do you love someone knowing that in the right circumstance they might hang y0u out to dry?   faithful love.

But I think ironically loving them may make it less likely for them to hang you out to dry.

Make sense?

Somehow it gets in and they realize I actually care about them.

They feel something strange from a person that they have been looking for but didn’t know how to find, really having no idea how to look, or even knowing that something was missing.

Would y0u hang that person out to dry?

The temptation, as in my earlier post is to run like hell.

And that may be the right thing to do depending on the people and the circumstances.

I am tired though, pretty tired.

Need to soon talk with someone who has some faithful love who can walk with me in this.

Shall I say someone else who can walk with me.  God with skin on.

Sometimes the skin really, really helps.

 

 

compassion

Its what the sick people in our lives need.

So its not about us, in a good way.

Its about what someone else did to them.

And that is why they do what they do to us.

So its not about us, in a good way.

It puts the focus on them.

And heals the hate and shame and guilt we feel.

Its really the way to love ourselves

in the best possible way.

Its care for us, when we are caring for them.

no losers here……..