I had this dream last night. I was at the grocery store and I had got some rewards I was going to cash in. So I went up to the counter and the lady said here’s how to get your rewards and you are gorgeous btw. I walked away smiling. The other day I saw an eagle fly right over my head while I was thinking about getting counseling and getting free from how I have been abused by narcissists.
Today I was in a meeting where we were talking about family members and this guy shared how he has gotten free from the desire to drink and it has been over four years since he had a drink.
What is all this? The other day I was reading about narcissistic abuse and went on facebook and read something about prayer and asked my hp to take away the depression fatigue and right after I cried really really hard and felt some release.
Yesterday I had a terrible work experience but today I am ok. I will just go to work tomorrow and I don’t think that I will be worried about it although I have a hard time with people right now.
I honestly believe that what is so beautiful about me right now is that my hp is setting me free. Maybe I will start feeling like he is my home his love through his presence and other people in my life. I felt the care for others in that meeting today. People just saying where they were and other people respecting what they had to say.
So it looks like freedom is on the way. Freedom from worry and feeling like it is all up to me. It can’t be all up to me. I am really hoping that when I really feel better and have more energy I won’t go back to it is all up to me to get jobs and money and all that shit. I don’t think there is any peace in that. I think I get the peace I do get from my hp and if I go back to it is all up to me it won’t work.
Grateful today for this now and not yet freedom. Freedom to love and be loved. I think that is what it boils down to for me. There is no real love in narcissism not real love. But I have known real love from hp and from others going all the way back to my childhood. I thought I didn’t know what it felt like but I think I do. I know the feeling of another’s presence that is hard to describe. Too wonderful to describe yet ordinary and subtle at the same time, to have times when everything is ok and when it doesn’t feel like it is I would like to start thinking that he will come back and it will feel like that again.