the sword that makes war

I came not to make peace but to bring a sword

that there will be war in your own family

That is what he said and I understand it.

My children do not see the hypocrisy,

mental illness, cold heartedness and manipulation in our family.

I want their eyes to see it

and they don’t like me very much for it.

But that is ok with me.

Because when he came

He declared  a jihad

on all that stuff!!!


I had this dream

I had this dream last night.  I was at the grocery store and I had got some rewards I was going to cash in.  So I went up to the counter and the lady said here’s how to get your rewards and you are gorgeous btw.   I walked away smiling.   The other day I saw an eagle fly right over my head while I was thinking about getting counseling and getting free from how I have been abused by narcissists.

Today I was in a meeting where we were talking about family members and this guy shared how he has gotten free from the desire to drink and it has been over four years since he had a drink.

What is all this?    The other day I was reading about narcissistic abuse and went on facebook and read something about prayer and asked my hp to take away the depression fatigue and right after I cried really really hard and felt some release.

Yesterday I had a terrible work experience but today I am ok.   I will just go to work tomorrow and I don’t think that I will be worried about it although I have a hard time with people right now.

I honestly believe that what is so beautiful about me right now is that my hp is setting me free.   Maybe I will start feeling like he is my home his love through his presence and other people in my life.    I felt the care for others in that meeting today.  People just saying where they were and other people respecting what they had to say.

So it looks like freedom is on the way.   Freedom from worry and feeling like it is all up to me.  It can’t be all up to me.  I am really hoping that when I really feel better and have more energy I won’t go back to it is all up to me to get jobs and money and all that shit.   I don’t think there is any peace in that.   I think I get the peace I do get from my hp and if I go back to it is all up to me it won’t work.

Grateful today for this now and not yet freedom.   Freedom to love and be loved.   I think that is what it boils down to for me.   There is no real love in narcissism not real love.  But I have known real love from hp and from others going all the way back to my childhood.   I thought I didn’t know what it felt like but I think I do.  I know the feeling of another’s presence that is hard to describe.   Too wonderful to describe yet ordinary and subtle at the same time, to have times when everything is ok and when it doesn’t feel like it is I would like to start thinking that he will come back and it will feel like that again.



ya know

ya know.  I have been worried about Trump because he most assuredly has a personality disorder so that is concerning that the president of the USA is that fucked up.   But I am encouraged that pretty much the whole world especially the Chinese are making fun of him and narcs DO NOT LIKE being made fun of.  So I am thinking that he will disintegrate pretty soon.   So I think sooner or later hopefully sooner he will go down…..

urgent concern!!!!!!!!!!!

urgent concern!!!
Dear Friends,
I along with many other health care professionals believe that our commander and chief has a disorder called, Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I urge you to contact your representatives in congress as I have if you are concerned. While President Obama was in office three well known Psychiatrists expressed this same concern and urged him to have the president elect tested for this disorder. It is one thing for someone with NPD to anger his friends. It is another thing for him to anger world powers!!! Please consider contacting your representatives. If you disagree with me I don’t care and I don’t want to hear about it. Keep it to yourself.

Salvador Edwards, MDiv, MAMFT, QMHP-C,A

the problem and the solution

The problem you ask?   The ego.   The solution?    The mortification of the ego.   Yeah I know.  Fuck that fuck that fuck that fuck that!!!!    That is what I thought for a long time.   I don’t want to die what will be left of me?  Right?   Well I am not sure how far along I am but I think the answer may be that.   Its not that you stop being you.  You are still you.  Is that you stop RELYING ON YOU.   Make sense?  You are still you.  You just don’t relying on you any more.    That is the way Bill Wilson seems to talk about it in the AA 12 and 12.   You go from defiance to reliance, from defiance to reliance.   So, you guessed it.    Having an addiction is a great opportunity for the mortification of the ego.   In the early days of AA they had 6 instead of 12 steps.   The first step of the 6 was called ego deflation.   Then confession was after that I think.    One stops relying on oneself and that necessitates the reliance on someone else.    For addicts we need a higher power so we go about finding a higher power we can learn to start relying on.   For some it is the group:  god, group of drunks.

Jesus knew a lot about this, a lot.  I think he talked about the problem and the solution in this way.   If you wish to save your life you will loose it but if you loose your life you will save it.   Right, hear it?   Your ego is on the chopping block pal, the chopping block.    Come to me all who are wearing and I will give you rest.   Take my yoke on you and learn from me for I am meek and gentle.  Hear it?    It is a heavy burden for you to be relying on yourself for everything.   Start relying on me.  Let me give you a break there pal.

Having said that the church these days knows very little about this, very very little.  In fact for whatever reason the narcissism seems to love religious people.   So much of the church these days is like the religious people of Jesus day.   To me there is no doubt about that!!!   And Jesus had a few choice words for them back then.   You hypocrites!!!!   You know what your problem is?  You are whitewashed tombs.  You look really good on the outside but inside you smell like a dead and rotting person.   Hear it?  Hear how he is lamblasting narcissism?   Narcs love the church.   Think of all the religious leaders these days who are so fucking self centered, just fucking self centered and they are spewing a lot of shit, just a lot of shit from their mouths!!!!   wtf right?  wtf!!!

Then Bill Wilson comes along and says, hey man.   This ego has got to go.  This thing just has to go and that is powerful.    Think about it in Romans 7 Paul is talking about his addiction.   My mind tells my body not to do something but my body just goes on and does it anyway.  You hear Dr. Silkworth?   These people have an allergy of mind and body.   Bill Wilson seems to come up with a solution that even the apostle Paul didn’t know about.  Now put that in your pipe and smoke it.     Bill Wilson says yeah and I knew all kinds of stuff about my problem, I just could not stop doing it and it almost killed me.   Then he has a spiritual experience and he is able to stop.   The problem is the ego.   The solution, the mortification of the ego.


the language of a selfish person

sometimes you have to speak a real selfish person’s language

instead of appealing to their concern for another person

even though that is their job

to be concerned about that person..

you have to say something like

“You think you have problems now?!!!!!!!!

Just wait until such and such happens!!!!!!!!!

You haven’t seen problems until such and such happens!!!!!!”

I wonder…

I wonder what will happen when the world starts to see its narcissism better.  I know for me I am being asked,  I believe, to loving, lovingly, and  lovingly confront some people.  I have tried to just get away from them all but for now anyway that doesn’t seem to be in the cards.  And it probably never will be.


The unifying theme of the battle with narcissism in the scriptures.

Straight away God goes to battle with Adam and Eve casting them out of the garden, then at the tower of Babel.  Moses does battle with Pharoah when the people are set free from their slavery.   The prophets speak to narcissism when they address people’s pride and arrogance and idolatry.  Isaiah says that they fashion an idol in the form of a human and worship it.  King Ahaz  deals with his narcissism by making alliances with other nations instead of trusting God for his help pridefully refusing to ask God for a sign.   In contrast King Hezekiah turns to God by praying in the temple when he is threatened.    God uses the narcissism of Nebekenezer to discipline his people then judges the narcissism of Assyria.  The narcissim of Israel is swallowed up when they are taken off into exile by Assyria in 722 bc and the narcissism of Judah is swollowed up by the Babylonians in 586 bc when they are taken to exile by them and the narcissism of Babylon is then swollowed up by the Persians.

Jesus’ battle is truly a battle with narcissists.   As the legitimate Son of God he challenges the narcissism of the Emperor which results in the persecution of the church in later years.    By refusing to go along with the agenda of the religious leaders of the day he prophetically resists their narcissistic desire to take on the emperor and prophesies the fall of Israel as a result of the people’s arrogant narcissism.   The narcissism of the evil one conspires within the narcissist of the people involved and Jesus triumphs over this evil in his death and resurrection.   Paul in Corinthians advices his readers to not glorify any person including himself other than Christ and speaks  to his readers as those who are not the narcissists of society and his self deprecating way of speaking is a sign of his small ego in desiring to be filled completely in his union with Christ.  One can also understand the loss he refers to in Philippians three as the loss of his narcissism that frees him to know Christ.

When I began to see this I could see it in people I have known, know and even within


shalom ya’ll,


you gotta see it

Addictions like narcissists like to hide.

Although unlike addictions narcissists don’t know they are hiding

Its just what they do.

Its called denial right.

For me I didn’t want to admit I was an alcoholic until I believed for sure that it was true.

So hp helped me with that since that wasn’t possible for me to see on my own

And I think god/hp likes to hide.

Many many things like deism our own narcissism contributes to hp hiding

Mine even does it himself for whatever reason.

The trick in all this is to see it.

To see the hp, to see the narcissist to see the addiction.

And for that I have needed my hp

Just sayin…

And oh by the way if any of my ex’s family is reading this,

She’s a narcissist

Just saying……