the sword that makes war

I came not to make peace but to bring a sword

that there will be war in your own family

That is what he said and I understand it.

My children do not see the hypocrisy,

mental illness, cold heartedness and manipulation in our family.

I want their eyes to see it

and they don’t like me very much for it.

But that is ok with me.

Because when he came

He declared  a jihad

on all that stuff!!!

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so I met this woman

So I met this woman.  It’s complicated.  I always made fun of the people on facebook who said, its complicated.  Now I am saying it.  She has a boyfriend who is an abusive narcissist.  I am her friend who has feelings for her, but its got to be just friend for now.  She is very attractive and could find a boyfriend later on if she wants.  Right now I want to focus on helping her get through what she has to get through.

You know writing is very therapeutic.   I know I am jumping around.  This is my blog 🙂

Write something on yours when you are not jumping around….anyway, lol.   I have thought about journaling for years and haven’t done it.  What I just wrote is a great example of the benefit.  I have been confused with this woman.  She has said goodbye a lot.  I think she is afraid.  Then I have feelings but we are just friends, confusing.  So I have been in my head about what to do.  What I want to do is forget about my feelings and be there for her.  That is really what I want to do, whether or not she has any and all that stuff.  She says she does and longs for me then she sounds take or leave it with me.  Confusing.

So I think my way to deal with it is to say, I want to support her and my feelings don’t matter right now.  If it is meant to be it will be.  If not it won’t.  I do believe that.   So that’s my plan.

ya’ll

Ya’ll yesterday I was working in a subdivision and a bald eagle flew right over my head at the exact same time I was wondering what to do about my distress.  Right, it was the promise of freedom.  Today I worked with this guy named Rufus and we agreed that we would work together for a while.  I was telling him about all my worries and he said something about god that I can’t remember.  I remember saying that my daddy owns the cattle on a thousand hills, I just wish I could trust him more.  This evening I am calmer.  Not too worried about will I sprain my ankle carrying heavy doors and stuff over big construction rocks.  Ok that I work construction right now.  Ok that there is a woman I care about who is more sick now than ever.  Just really ok with that.

I said to him, where have you been love?  Of course I didn’t get an answer.  In a meeting the other day a young woman met her higher power when she was outside looking at a lightening bug.  This calm came over her.  That to me is the powerful calm that holds everything together.  I heard a number of stories in the same meeting of things happening like that.  Of a someone orchestrating events in their lives that they could not explain.  I am about ready to give up trying to figure out and understand and just accept.  Accept that I care for her.  Accept that for me anyway this person is not ready to come down and make everything right even though that is what I want and I think that that is what I am supposed to want that he delays for some reason maybe until more people want a higher power and are willing to say, uncle.   I can’t carry the weight of the world around on my shoulders any more.  It is just too much.  Shit isn’t going to happen when I want it to, but when and if it is supposed to.  And that the present is not a bad place to be really sitting here with shit all over my floor.  Everything I own in this room because what I own really doesn’t matter to me all that much and it never has mattered all that much.  And right now I know some beautiful people.  An older man in a truck speaking words of life to me today.   Someone who finally just lets me love them and doesn’t run away, doesn’t ask a lot of stupid questions, goes through hell and doesn’t complain.  People in meetings talking about the miracle of staying sober.  Some who don’t have any angle.  They just want to help the next sick and suffering alcoholic.   Right here in this room where right now everything is as it should be.

I wonder…

I wonder what will happen when the world starts to see its narcissism better.  I know for me I am being asked,  I believe, to loving, lovingly, and  lovingly confront some people.  I have tried to just get away from them all but for now anyway that doesn’t seem to be in the cards.  And it probably never will be.

 

i already have a daddy……

I think I figured out something….in recovery I have been having a problem with the way some people talk to me and if you ask them they would say the problem is him.  But I think the problem is that some of these folks talk to me like a child.  I already have a daddy.  They may say, but you are acting like a child.  Well to me that is not the point.  Any adult no matter how they are acting wants to be treated like an adult.  Transactional Analysis is the counseling theory that addresses this issue.  TA says we relate to each other as parent, adult and child and that problems occur when two adults are relating to each other in one of the other roles.  Most common is that an adult is relating to another adult in the parent/child role.  The adult doesn’t like it because they are an adult….make sense?  well it does to me.

its all lies………..feeling good, the new mood therapy by david burnso

what I have learned from cognitive therapy is that i believe all of us pretty much all of us all of the time are believing lies.  what i mean is cbt addresses distorted thinking:  some of the distortions are generalizing, catastrophizing (one of my favorites), fortune telling, another one of mine, and about 8 other distortions where we are telling ourselves things like, no one likes me, i am a moron….lol…maybe i am but anyway, things will not work out for the good this time, i will never be successful and make a lot of money in a job, i am not attractive enough to find someone who will love me for who i am……..and the list goes on doesn’t it……you fill in the blank of what yours are…we spend a lot of time punishing ourselves with all this shit that isn’t true.  if you want to know how to challenge your distortions and what yours are get the book in the title of this article.   he will teach you how to challenge your distortions with the truth.   not the truth but YOUR TRUTH.   and i have had success doing this with clients, one guy was picked on a lot a school and beleived that because he was skinny kids picked on him, i did the healing of memories technique that i have described earlier that addressed this distorted thinking and he ended up believing the truth about himself which was something like, there was nothing wrong with him but the people that had the problem were the bullies, not him.  and think of how these lies limit us:  agoraphobics won’t leave their homes, anorexics won’t eat, people do jobs or find partners way below what they deserve or are worthy of because of the lies they tell themselves, that’s all bad self-esteem is really, just lies we tell ourselves that are not true………….truth is we are all doing the best we can on any given day…..that is what i believe anyway.   so keep being your beautiful self with all that you uniquely have to give the world and stop believe that shit you are telling yourself……….what is your truth?  my truth is that i am handsome, smart, have a great personality, likeable and have lots to give to my friends and to people i have never met yet but i believe that i will keep blessing the world with the person that i am.   that is some of my truth, and sometimes i struggle to believe it.  i think, what do i have that someone else doesn’t have, and our lies are filled with emotion and we believe them, they are hard to challenge, so what lies are you believing, what is the distortion you are runnining on or distortions with that particular lie and what is YOUR truth about that lie.

decolores

decolores and so must all love be of every bright color to make my heart cry…sang this song at, the great banquet, think of all the colors in your heart, some dark some bright, they are all there aren’t they.    they say that one day just the bright ones will be there, but they say that it is darkness that makes light possible, so what about the darkness later on?  who the fuck knows………..lol, i am ready for there to be a little less darkness in there now…know what i mean vern?

a beautiful song by sara groves

“Loving A Person”

Loving a person just the way they are, it’s no small thing
its the whole thing.
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we’re waiting
We need grace either way

Hold on to me
I’ll hold on to you
Let’s find out the beauty of seeing things through

There’s a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It’s a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can’t occupy the same spaces baby
Only one makes you free

Hold on to me
I’ll hold on to you
Let’s find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go looking for offense
We’re going to find it
If we go looking for real love
We’re going to find it

loving me just the way I am ain’t no small thing.
takes some time, takes some time, takes some time.