good stuff

Don’t know about you but I am not always able to interpret my heart.  Like why has it been so weighed down?   Been sick, yada yada yada but I am pretty sure now it has to do with the revelation not too long ago that my ex is narcissistic.   So therefore I have lived with narcissists my whole life.   Read a book on the subject recently and cried really hard.   That may have been my conformation can’t remember actually.   But it is really good to know if you know what I mean.   With a good counselor, this weight has an end date and I know what it is and what to do about.  I rarely have that kind of clarity.   Hope this guy knows what he’s doing, gaslighting cognitive dissonace this guy needs to know what those things are.  I will ask of course.   Saw him once and he did pretty good.   Asked a lot of questions to start getting the lay of my land like I would have done.  But I need to trust someone too and I have more of a problem with that than I thought.   Need to trust the beautiful universe too that healing is imminent for me as my spirit says that it is.   What an amazing feeling!   Really amazing.    As a therapist I  would help people heal and think when is it going to be my turn.  Knock on wood, I think my turn as arrived.   What will I be like afterwards, not sure but it will be good I am sure of that.   And to remind myself that this process has already started, taking care of myself along the way, letting people care about me, being ok that I really care about others and not pathologizing that, hearing someone criticize one of my current relationships and then being able to say to myself, it is a really good relationship and no matter how long it lasts I will be a better person for it and hopefully she will too, thanks to understanding cognitive dissonance, starting to hear the inner critic and being able to start to say to him, you are full of shit and really believing that and not letting him keep me confused, knowing that these strong reactions do not mean I am screwed up but are very very normal after the hell I have been through and that any normal person would have reacted the way I did to constant devaluing, giving myself a break regarding the things I have done to check out for a while just to cope with….whatever that was.    So onward and upward:)




research study

Hi Friends,

I work for Trillium Drop-In Center in Woodbridge, VA.  We are doing a study involving people who have taken an anti-psychotic medicine such as Seroquel and Trileptal and are having involuntary movements something known as tardive dyskinesia.   If you are interested or know someone who might be please contact me pronto at   Feel free to pass this info. on to anyone.  Here is more info:

Tardive Dyskinesia Group


i already have a daddy……

I think I figured out something….in recovery I have been having a problem with the way some people talk to me and if you ask them they would say the problem is him.  But I think the problem is that some of these folks talk to me like a child.  I already have a daddy.  They may say, but you are acting like a child.  Well to me that is not the point.  Any adult no matter how they are acting wants to be treated like an adult.  Transactional Analysis is the counseling theory that addresses this issue.  TA says we relate to each other as parent, adult and child and that problems occur when two adults are relating to each other in one of the other roles.  Most common is that an adult is relating to another adult in the parent/child role.  The adult doesn’t like it because they are an adult….make sense?  well it does to me.

“I’m not my shoes.”

Irving Yalom tells the story in his book, Love’s Executioner of one of his group therapy patients, Yalom being the Group Therapy guru, the group was composed of all terminally ill cancer patients. This patient told the story, not it exactly, but tells the story about the time when he was going to give a speech. On his way up to give the speech he looks down and sees that his shoes are all scuffed up. He says to himself, I’m not my shoes, gets up and gives a great speech without being nervous. The point, I am not what I do, what I produce…I don’t know about you but I am still working on that one. I almost got a job selling furniture recently. The store manager was all on board. I interview with the Regional guy and he gives the thumbs down. I was suicidally dissapointed. No lie…but I recovered. The next day I was pretty much ok. My sponsor said, you probably would still be wallowing in depression of you were still drinking. And I believe he is right. I thought this would be true, but I have had to stop drinking before I could really tell how much it was messing me up. And you hear lots of people say that if you stay around the rooms. There was more I was going to say but it doesn’t seem important right now. What does seem important is what I just said, that drinking was saying, I am not your problem man….for real….lol..I swear, that ex of yours, your boss all those shitty people who didn’t seem to care when you were homeless (never mind the fact that people gave me thousands of dollars….) the little drinker seems to forget that part, the reality is he is quite the fucking liar….I think I was blessed/cursed with this disease going way far back, what I remember about the second grade was being out in the hall getting licks for mis-behavior, I have just been fucking wired to do the wrong thing…..and basically, not giving a shit and basically not learning from the consequences, my mistakes, over the course of time I have had 20-40 moving violations, and I just kept right on violating the law as if it didn’t apply to me, other people would say, I don’t break the law, too much hassle, I looked at them like they had four heads. What do you mean you don’t break the law, the rules, don’t you know, rules are MADE to be broken. Well I am having a change of mind about all that shit, change of mind, metanoia, to repent. I am becoming a repentant alcoholic this I believe is grace since I don’t know how anyone can do that on their own…so I am grateful that my mind is changing and maybe if the source is from somewhere other than me it will stick. I did not work my way into a changed mind, but I did do some things. I went to meetings, why at first, I had other reasons, besides, I was an alcoholic, but I go to meetings and work the steps, approaching step four right now, yikes….I have a sponsor so I have heard and believe that the mind can revert back to its old ways if you quit doing those things, and it is just beginning to change right. I still have the doom and gloom hopeless thinking and the I am what I do mentality but maybe now less rigid, maybe now the ice has broken and can start to melt, maybe aslan is around and it won’t be fucking winter forever and never christmas… I have even been angry at about 6 people, went to be and woke up not angry….I know wtf….anyway,  I will take it.
shalom yall.

my turn (great big smile)


So while I was practicing as a counselor (practicing?  does anyone practice doing therapy?   Well, I have had some counselors who seemed to be practicing or who must have been sleeping during the listening/ empathy course but anyway,  What’s another word? )  ok, while I was doing therapy, I would say to myself, when’s it going to be my turn, since I was helping people heal from things like depression with which I was still suffering.   Good news!  my turn has come.  I have had a great counselor doing EMDR with me on many of the false beliefs that I have acquired over the years of living with some messed up family members who had shall we say, a less than kind perception of me.  That’s how we get hurt right…usually by the people closest to us.  No baby comes out of the womb thinking, man am I a piece of shit, they may think, damn what is that shit  coming out of me, damn now its stuck all over me, and then they cry and someone cleans them up.  No, we get told in so many words that we are a selfish piece of shit and we start believing it.  So anyway, EMDR and other treatment modalities like the one I have done with healing traumatic memories neutralizes those beliefs so that we can live in our own good truth about ourselves.  I still have one to go though and for me it is something like I cannot trust anyone except myself.  I have already worked on, I don’t deserve to succeed, and other terrible things that I was told by my family.   I may have one surrounding sleep.  I don’t like to go to sleep.  Hey, may relate to trust right, because when you are asleep you can’t protect yourself.  Interesting, this is what I love about blogging.  Getting some ah hahs like the one I just got.  Anyway, when I was in a homeless shelter the guys in the room told me that there was a bed bug problem and where to sleep to stay away from them.  Actually, they told me to sleep in the one WITH BED BUGS.   I was eaten alive, had to go to the hospital, was treated in the hospital like I had a  very contagious leporosy, and after that my body has not wanted to sleep, like it is saying, are you out of your fucking mind, you think I am going to just sleep for you again when you put me in a bed bug nest???!!!!    f that.  I was re-hospitalized later for sleep deprivation.  Have been doing better now that I live in a more sane situation and my meds make me sleepy.    So it is the trust thing where I need to go next.  My first higher powers were two morons called my parents.  I will spare you the details.  So I can say I believe things about and even love a higher power just have trouble trusting….   If the results with this issue are as good as with the others I have a feeling this will change.

shalom, yall.

” i will go and fetch Mulan! I am the great stone dragon.!” lol

“how about I pop one of your antennas off and throw it across the yard!   Then whose the loser?  me or you!?  mushu? sp said to the grasshopper…..

I love these quotes from eddie murphy in Mulan!!!!!

when my three oldest were little we must have watched that movie 500 times and the one who wanted to watch it so much was dad, moi.   when will my reflection show who I am inside.  of course we resonate personally with a great movie.   for me part of that has been, when will the person i am inside show through this person who is depressed as fuck all the time!!!!

When I had depressed clients one of the things I liked to tell them was that they may feel weak but actually they are in reality very strong.   I believed it was true about them and true about me as well, of course i did not talk about me.  that is not okay to do, but the effort it takes to just do the normal shit and probably not as good as others do is ENORMOUS!    I work my ass off at my job and if someone were to ask me why, which they don’t, it would be, “because I can!”    i couldn’t for a long time at least on the outside it didn’t look like I was expending great amounts of energy but it was more than i expend now when I look like i am working hard.  If you have been seriously fucking depressed you know what I am talking about.  One time I took a break from work and went out and sat in my car in the parking lot.  I was so tired I urinated in the parking lot cause i could not walk to the bathroom.   Then, somehow, I made it back inside and finished my shift.   That gives you an idea.   Now that crazy fuckin, lets work our asses off person is showing more………..oh man, oh man, here’s for hoping this is the new norm and not just a reprieve.   And the medical community is not always helpful.  Installation of hope is the first thing a therapist does according to Irvin Yalom, but so often times in mine and others experience they are hope squashers!!!     Dr. Person, i want to feel better, the I don’t feel that much better on the meds. I am taking.   Well, Mr/Ms Client, what do you expect, medicine can only do so much ya know, or your meds do have side effects……..of course you are tired all the time.  I swear there are a plethora of dumb asses out there in the pscho/medical field, as i said before, want to get rich?, just be a shitty therapist, people will come back to you for years, without making much of any significant change……lol,   i have to laugh, better that than cry, and I don’t want to cry, i am not that depressed anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its all lies………..feeling good, the new mood therapy by david burnso

what I have learned from cognitive therapy is that i believe all of us pretty much all of us all of the time are believing lies.  what i mean is cbt addresses distorted thinking:  some of the distortions are generalizing, catastrophizing (one of my favorites), fortune telling, another one of mine, and about 8 other distortions where we are telling ourselves things like, no one likes me, i am a moron….lol…maybe i am but anyway, things will not work out for the good this time, i will never be successful and make a lot of money in a job, i am not attractive enough to find someone who will love me for who i am……..and the list goes on doesn’t it……you fill in the blank of what yours are…we spend a lot of time punishing ourselves with all this shit that isn’t true.  if you want to know how to challenge your distortions and what yours are get the book in the title of this article.   he will teach you how to challenge your distortions with the truth.   not the truth but YOUR TRUTH.   and i have had success doing this with clients, one guy was picked on a lot a school and beleived that because he was skinny kids picked on him, i did the healing of memories technique that i have described earlier that addressed this distorted thinking and he ended up believing the truth about himself which was something like, there was nothing wrong with him but the people that had the problem were the bullies, not him.  and think of how these lies limit us:  agoraphobics won’t leave their homes, anorexics won’t eat, people do jobs or find partners way below what they deserve or are worthy of because of the lies they tell themselves, that’s all bad self-esteem is really, just lies we tell ourselves that are not true………….truth is we are all doing the best we can on any given day…..that is what i believe anyway.   so keep being your beautiful self with all that you uniquely have to give the world and stop believe that shit you are telling yourself……….what is your truth?  my truth is that i am handsome, smart, have a great personality, likeable and have lots to give to my friends and to people i have never met yet but i believe that i will keep blessing the world with the person that i am.   that is some of my truth, and sometimes i struggle to believe it.  i think, what do i have that someone else doesn’t have, and our lies are filled with emotion and we believe them, they are hard to challenge, so what lies are you believing, what is the distortion you are runnining on or distortions with that particular lie and what is YOUR truth about that lie.

“since dark is what brings out your light” Robert Frost

my darkness/character defects and other shit I don’t like about myself:   adhd, depression, worrier, i say stupid shit to people, unorganized.

my light:   have a good personality, handsome (I know I have not posted a picture but I def. have a good body self image.  Oma gets the credit for that for calling me good looking when I was a kid, and someone told me I looked good today.   So did she but I forgot to say it.  What a moron…oh yeah, i forgot to add above….hard on myself….

This is a little exercise I am doing, I thought I would have a million things in the dark category and one or two in the light….not working out that way….I think for the most part I have a pretty good self-image, which is probably a miracle given all the negative shit and people I have been through and had to be married to and to deal with….oh yeah.  I resent my soon to be ex.I need to give up my will to punish her and I punish her by resenting her.   To me that is the essence of forgiveness…giving up the will to punish…more on that later.

I forgot that the song/poem says since dark is what BRINGS OUT your light.   When i sing it in my head i hear since dark is what puts out your light.   What it really says is pretty good shit isn’t it….It sounds like hope to me.   How does my darkness bring out my light…..too tired right now to give a really good answer, but I think about therapy and how you go back and heal a person’s traumatic memory and it frees them to live that way they want to live in the present.   More on that later too but that is a great example of the light extinguishing someone’s darkness allowing them to live/walk more in the light.  I really have LOVED being a therapist and have done a lot of good for people, but for a number of reasons I am thinking about selling cars now.  It just fascinates me, from what I hear that if you are a caring person, able to listen, get rapport and build people’s trust that you can sell a shit load of cars.  That is what I have been told by a number of car sales recruiters and I don’t think that they are bsing me either.  And they are saying that that has always been the way to sell cars.   Not that I believe it you know……………… I have said above but…………that is is the gospel of Jesus right….love others, think of others before yourself….these guys were quoting the bible and stuff about selling car.   One of my beefs with the church is that it is pretty damn irrelevant to most people’s lives.   I think Jesus was relevant just his followers have fucked things up and I am in good company thinking this way, just read about Deitrick Bonhoffer  ?sp.  He died in a concentration camp since he was involved in a plot to assascinate Hitler.   He lived a relevant life and what could be more relevant then applying the good news to selling cars or selling anything else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     That is really what fascinates me about this approach and I want to test it out and see if it works.  I really think it will and I need to be pretty damn successful since I am in a shit load of debt and want to retire sometime in a my life and marry a hot babe and take her to Europe………….:), and go to Romania or wherever the fuck it is happening and help free girls from human trafficking.   or continue to work to alleviate suffering in some way, since god, if he exists has decided to make up deal with all this shit for who knows how much longer…….As we say in recovery……….thanks for letting me share 🙂