TM means to myself by the way. It’s what Marcus Aurelius titled the book he wrote now and I can’t remember what the other name for it is.
My higher power did some miracles. I worship in a way that I never did before. And I have more power and control now over a compulsive habit that I know now was running my life. Lately, I have been applying for a new position and gettting no where, I think. One church is supposed to get back to me but I haven’t heard from them.
I listen for him when I work on sermons and it is quite enjoyable. I need to say that because part of looking is sending sermons to churches and some have a listen and mark me off their list. I have RSD. Rejection sensitive dysforia. It is an adhd thing. So when a church says no there is that pain and I get angry and not sure where it goes from there. Definitely shame that brings up past experiences I think. This is hard shit to figure out. But past horrible experiences where I struggled to preach and one guy got all anxious about it and all he could do was be critical. A group was formed to help me. But it just made it worse. I think if they would have left me alone I might have been able to figure it out. All the attention to how I was performing made it horribly worse, maybe because of RSD. I don’t know. So I quit. I said fuck this fuck this fuck this. I”m done.
I tried other things. I got no where. God changed my heart and made me want to worship him again and tears come when I do. It still happens after four years and if it stops. I dont’ know what I will do. Probably want to crawl in a hole and die. He gives you something like that and the thought of not having it is just unthinkable. It is like when I started to feel his presence. It is a very subtle experience for me but real nonetheless and if that were to change it would be the same, unthinkable.
So when I wanted to worship again I did not immediately think, time to start being a pastor. I really had no reason to think preaching would be any different. But I did it a couple times and it was not amazing but it was not terrible either. I got called to a church and here I am. At first I was terrified. Preaching seemed to be going better but I was so so afraid to trust it. I just knew that the struggles from the past would start again. Over time it has gotten better. The church here has helped and not helped at the same time. They have been patient but they still not in every way but in some ways think of what I am doing as a performance. They hope really, that if I can to it good enough other people may show up.
Statistics say that 80% of people go to church for the sermon. I wonder how many of those want a good show or how many of those are God seekers and are looking for God. For me anyway. I do it because I believe that I hear something from God that helps me and want to share it with others. If I can stick to that I may be ok. The problem is to go somewhere else. I need to past the test of churches who are looking for the best speaker they can find. Maybe I am making this too big of a deal. Idk. Reality is I need to do my best to give the best delievery I can since that is what is expected I suppose.
I need to learn more about RSD. Maybe I take it too personally when someone says no. My coach says it says more about them than it does about me. I want to really believe that and it makes sense. I think churches are way too concerned about how a sermon is delivered instead of no matter who is talking to listen to a word from God. They say, fear of being judged is the reason why people get anxious about public speaking and it makes sense. I am being judged. And the reality is that when I listen to sermons I judge too, a handicap of being in the profession I guess.
What may help though, while I am distributing sermons and being judged by churches, what may help I hope is to remember why Ido it now why I do it. I do it to hear from God and to share what I hear with someone else so that maybe they can benefit in some way like I have from doing it.
I can think right now of how I have benefitted from this weeks sermon I am working on. The message to me is am I wanting to hear from God in my life verses just doing my own thing and not caring what God thinks, something like that anyway and some form of that is what I will say. I enjoy that part of it and I just don’t want that to get ruined by all this new judging and evaluating that is going on.
I”m going to share some of this with the church this Sunday, maybe what I will say may help someone stop coming in for the show when they worship. May it will help someone to come in with the question where is God when I worship. That is the question God’s people stopped asking in the OT and that is the question that so many churches are not asking today. They ask, how can the Sunday show be better and they ask what can we do to get more people to come to the show but where is God in my life, where is God in worship. What is God doing in this world and how can I get involved??? Not so much. Not so much and that among other things is the church’s problem if you ask me. Thanks for letting me share.
Salvador
carpe diem 