goodness is coming
problems will go away
like the prayer
take away my difficulties
that their absence
may show forth
your presence
its a confidence
I didn’t have before
that things will be ok
because you will make sure
they are ok
never had a thought like that before
I didn’t know I needed it but I did.
When you told me that,
not only do I feel you in the church
but other places too.
And you made it so.
What now, what now
What now, What now?
Happy New Year Folks,
Been a while since I have posted. Since I posted last time which I don’t remember when I have had another bad experience or two in two churches. Not all bad……. This month I start a job as a Hospice Chaplain in Midland Texas. I am so thankful for it. I told a friend today I have not had a good job experience since I was 16 working as a lifeguard. I’m 59. So I have a kind of gratitude that I think a lot of people don’t have starting a new job thinking that it’s going to be a good experience. Maybe I’m wrong, who knows. I have added low dose ketamine taking in daily to my treatments for depression and it is really working!!!! Ketamine works on GABA and Glutamate ?sp neurotransmitters in the brain as well as others. Those are the ones for me anyways that need help. I keep listening to music and crying .That started about 4 or so years ago and it is so wonderful. Here’s hoping that 2024 will be bring great joy for me and you.
Shalon Y’all,
Salvador Edwards
So………………..it seems the church has two options. Ask themselves: what is God doing in my life, in our church and it the world and how can I get invovled or it can do whatever it wants. And what churches these days seem to be doing is asking the question: how can we put on the best show for people to come and watch listen to, and how can we get those people to keeping coming for the show?
Problem is I can’t think of one church I have talked to that seems to be asking the first questions it seems to be always the latter. So is there any church out there that is asking that those questions that I can go to. The problem is also: the people I want to come to the church are the ones who are looking for God because if they want to go to the show then they go see a movie.
Salvador
TM means to myself by the way. It’s what Marcus Aurelius titled the book he wrote now and I can’t remember what the other name for it is.
My higher power did some miracles. I worship in a way that I never did before. And I have more power and control now over a compulsive habit that I know now was running my life. Lately, I have been applying for a new position and gettting no where, I think. One church is supposed to get back to me but I haven’t heard from them.
I listen for him when I work on sermons and it is quite enjoyable. I need to say that because part of looking is sending sermons to churches and some have a listen and mark me off their list. I have RSD. Rejection sensitive dysforia. It is an adhd thing. So when a church says no there is that pain and I get angry and not sure where it goes from there. Definitely shame that brings up past experiences I think. This is hard shit to figure out. But past horrible experiences where I struggled to preach and one guy got all anxious about it and all he could do was be critical. A group was formed to help me. But it just made it worse. I think if they would have left me alone I might have been able to figure it out. All the attention to how I was performing made it horribly worse, maybe because of RSD. I don’t know. So I quit. I said fuck this fuck this fuck this. I”m done.
I tried other things. I got no where. God changed my heart and made me want to worship him again and tears come when I do. It still happens after four years and if it stops. I dont’ know what I will do. Probably want to crawl in a hole and die. He gives you something like that and the thought of not having it is just unthinkable. It is like when I started to feel his presence. It is a very subtle experience for me but real nonetheless and if that were to change it would be the same, unthinkable.
So when I wanted to worship again I did not immediately think, time to start being a pastor. I really had no reason to think preaching would be any different. But I did it a couple times and it was not amazing but it was not terrible either. I got called to a church and here I am. At first I was terrified. Preaching seemed to be going better but I was so so afraid to trust it. I just knew that the struggles from the past would start again. Over time it has gotten better. The church here has helped and not helped at the same time. They have been patient but they still not in every way but in some ways think of what I am doing as a performance. They hope really, that if I can to it good enough other people may show up.
Statistics say that 80% of people go to church for the sermon. I wonder how many of those want a good show or how many of those are God seekers and are looking for God. For me anyway. I do it because I believe that I hear something from God that helps me and want to share it with others. If I can stick to that I may be ok. The problem is to go somewhere else. I need to past the test of churches who are looking for the best speaker they can find. Maybe I am making this too big of a deal. Idk. Reality is I need to do my best to give the best delievery I can since that is what is expected I suppose.
I need to learn more about RSD. Maybe I take it too personally when someone says no. My coach says it says more about them than it does about me. I want to really believe that and it makes sense. I think churches are way too concerned about how a sermon is delivered instead of no matter who is talking to listen to a word from God. They say, fear of being judged is the reason why people get anxious about public speaking and it makes sense. I am being judged. And the reality is that when I listen to sermons I judge too, a handicap of being in the profession I guess.
What may help though, while I am distributing sermons and being judged by churches, what may help I hope is to remember why Ido it now why I do it. I do it to hear from God and to share what I hear with someone else so that maybe they can benefit in some way like I have from doing it.
I can think right now of how I have benefitted from this weeks sermon I am working on. The message to me is am I wanting to hear from God in my life verses just doing my own thing and not caring what God thinks, something like that anyway and some form of that is what I will say. I enjoy that part of it and I just don’t want that to get ruined by all this new judging and evaluating that is going on.
I”m going to share some of this with the church this Sunday, maybe what I will say may help someone stop coming in for the show when they worship. May it will help someone to come in with the question where is God when I worship. That is the question God’s people stopped asking in the OT and that is the question that so many churches are not asking today. They ask, how can the Sunday show be better and they ask what can we do to get more people to come to the show but where is God in my life, where is God in worship. What is God doing in this world and how can I get involved??? Not so much. Not so much and that among other things is the church’s problem if you ask me. Thanks for letting me share.
Salvador
I am starting to think that a lot of things we call ordinary events are really miracles. That aside, some things happen without any kind of natural explaination and we call those things miracles. Here is the latest for me. Masturbation had become compulsive and it bothered me because of that. It started to feel like my choice in the matter was being taken away. I thought of some things to do to change it but they didn’t work. So I asked God for help. Actually, there had been several years of asking for help to no seeming effect. A lot of the time I wasn’t sure if it was a problem or not since I do think that it is normal and in and of itself not bad in anyway. But it got to where whenever there was nothing to do I would get triggered and then it was off to the races as we say in AA. So for me that qualified as a problem. So I just kept asking for help. I didn’t know what else to do. One day after I was finished with work I didn’t get triggered. I wondered if this was a fluke since I would hyave times when it seemed compulsive still. Best I can tell its not a fluke. It is much more easy to control and I still don’t get triggered. The compulsive wind in its sales has seemed to die down. I remember thinking of it in that way. God take the wind out of these sails. More things haven gotten better lately that I don’t process. It’s a lot actually and I need to remember this when my mind goes negative.
One time when I was homeless I was really pissed off and said, I need to know that you care and it needs to look like care to me not this suffering is good kind of bullshit. Maybe I am getting my answer.
Thing like this have happened before and I don’t really know how to process the significance of the change. So I am blogging in an effort to do that. I wonder why this kind of thing is not more common place. I know people ask God for help all the time and I have heard very painful stories when they or someone they loved continued to suffer. And they were at least for a time, done with God. Isaiah says God is God and we are like grasshoppers. So I understand God about as much as a grasshopper understands a human. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.
Salvador
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Y’all. I want to be hopeful and excited about a new work opportunity but fear grabs me so easily. I had a good meeting with a committee the other night and afterwards. I told myself it went bad and started feeling really really afraid. I know I mind read people and think they are thinking negative things about me. I can fear that I won’t be able to do all that will be required. I can fear the failures of the past.
Right now I can see myself going to a new place and really enjoying it. I’m not sure what changed from then til now. The most positive thing I did was to worship in the way that really works for me now. Besides the pleasure of doing it. It may be doing more for me than I realize, make sense. I cry a lot and the tears are good for my soul I believe they are good for my soul. And it may be helping me to heal from all the damage that has been done to my soul.
Right now anyway, I am aware of MY truth. Which is: no one in the church can get the church the way it should be. It to me is a spiritual reality that God is in charge of and responsible for. Also, I can’t be expected to be good at everything. A church that lets me work out of my strengths will be best. There are other people who know how to do the things I am not good at. Also, there are lots of pastor who have done it before that can help me. Also, I have lots of gifts and abilities and experience that would be best used in a bigger church than where I am now. Also, the past is in the past. There are good people that want to be helpful and supportive in the church. Not everyone is like the mean spirited people who hurt me in the past. Ones here that have done things I didn’t like, their intention was to be helpful. That will be most people’s intention. God is always with me. He always carries me on his shoulders the way a shepherd carries his sheep and guides them with his voice. I have been tuned in and listening to him lately and that will continue. He has got me to this point and he will get me home.
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Just when I think this was just a phase
It happens again.
They sing and I cry.
No. I sob.
They say, don’t depend too much on experience.
And right or wrong.
I am not with them.
Becasue when I heard
You could feel his presence.
That was all she wrote.
That was all she wrote.
For me.
by Salvador Edwards
I quit my counseling job. It was part-time. The way I was billing I was not supposed to be counseling because I am not a resident in counseling. I have a hard time thinking that the person that hired me does not know that yet she hired me to do it anyway. I did not confront her on it I just quit. I think should I have not quit? Did I quit for the wrong reason? Should I have stayed? There will be some who won’t get the kind of care they could have if I was there. There could have been trouble with the lady there too since my gut says she’s a blamer. She blamed me for something that was not my responsibility and an office manager did the same thing on another occassion. I think my antenae went up and said danger danger. Thus my action and decision. I am hopefully done with employers who are quick to blame. I need to trust myself. Ok Salvador trust that you made the best decision for yourself and your own well being. My psych dr. said I seemed to be doing better than that last time I saw him. So that seems to confirm the decision too. ok now higher power I want to be done thinking about this.
Shalom ya’ll.
I feel drawn into the quiet this evening. Today I didn’t have much motivation to work so I started reading a book. His presence being subtle but real. The anxiety and the question dying down. I think this is my answer. I was told my solution is spiritual by a psychiatrist when in the hospital after I tried to go home. I think he’s right. I knew he was right but of course my mind needs to complicate things, think about them. This is as close to home as it gets for me and also the music that moves my heart. I need the confidence that this place is right around the corner not far. That in quietness and trust is my strength. I can’t really have the TV on for very long anyway. The simplicity of this has been hard to find and I am still finding. It’s nice to let the questions die down. He doesn’t give answers. And they come back but if he is the answer (such a cliche, I know) but if he is the answer maybe they will die down. Do I need therapy? Did I do the right thing quitting that job? What to do about medicine? They aren’t grabbing me. Who the fuck cares! lol. It doesn’t matter. That is what I heard him say, it doesn’t matter. I think it doesn’t matter will get bigger and the other stuff will get smaller until the other stuff is no more and all that’s left is it doesn’t matter.
Shalom ya’ll
Salvador
Listening to God. Today someone called me and said she lost her keys and wondered if I would go to the church and look around. So I did. I looked all over and when I got in the sanctuary looking I decided to linger. My mind was troubled about something so I stayed. A big quiet room like that is where I feel closest to my higher power and it was wonderful to be with him like that for a while. And I ask myself why I don’t do it more. One of my thoughts is, what if I like it so much one day I just don’t want to leave and decide I’m going to go off and be a monk somewhere. I don’t know how that sounds but it is my blog and I can say whatever I want. 🙂 If you have never tasted of his sweetness in the quiet I highly recommend it. All it takes is a desire for that. At least that is how it has been for me. It was 8 years before I ever did but it was worth the wait. Some people who decide they want that don’t have to wait that long, so I hear and that has been my limited experience in helping others with it. Anyway, I don’t think I will become a monk. I think he has stuff for me to do in helping others. I don’t have a partner either and wonder about that too. I guess if I did she would need to really like the quiet like I do. I didn’t find the ladies keys and my mind is less troubled. It hasn’t always worked like that. I have spent time with him that way and came out just as troubled as I was when I went in but the goal was not to be less troubled but to just be with him and I think he likes that. I think I will start doing that more and see what happens and not worry about becoming a monk.
carpe diem 